Speaking at a Press conference filled with journalists awed by his overwhelming awesomeness, Ibrahim said that his perfect, manly and chiseled figure, coupled with his stunning and flawless facial structure, made him the ideal candidate for the post.

OVERWHELMING AWESOMENESS: Ibrahim showing his hyper-awesome aura

“I don’t want to brag, but I am the obvious choice to head the ministry in charge of everything awesome in the country,” said Ibrahim confidently. “It’s natural selection.”

Oozing with greatness, the supreme leader continued, “No other leader exudes the level of perfection that I nonchalantly display. Try as they may, but they all pale in comparison. It’s not their fault, really. I’m just born this way.

“I mean, have you seen this?” he asked, flashing his ripped biceps to the pleasure of the ladies in the room and abject horror of the male reporters squirming in shame.

“Other people need to put in a lot of effort to be as outstanding, sexy and desirable but I, well, I just have to be me,” he added, his face glowing radiantly with love and magic.

Ibrahim also said that his appointment by the PM was not only due to his physical perfection, but his unparalleled substance too.

“I know it’s hard to believe, but the PM really looked past my good physical features in picking me for the job. He said to me, ‘Ibrahim, I want a cabinet that is more than skin deep, so please don’t get upset that I’m not looking at you directly when speaking to you. I don’t want to be swayed by your good looks.’

BIG RESPONSIBILITY: The new Ministry of Awesomeness

“I told him that I understood his need to have ministers with substance, and I fully respected that. Fortunately, I have unsurpassed intelligence and unchallenged moral compass, so that didn’t affect his decision to exclude physical beauty in his assessment,” said Ibrahim reflectively, as vapours eminated from his head due to his brain working beyond normal human capacity.

The handsome specimen of the perfect human being said that he would ensure that his ministry makes Malaysia  more awesome.

“The target is clear, make Malaysia a High Awesomeness Nation by 2020,” he said. “The rakyat have spoken, and the message is clear: they want to live in an awesome country, where everyone can be a little awesome too. The PM had promised that we SHALL be awesome, so I will ensure this Janji gets Ditepati.

“As such, I will use my limitless super-sapien abilities and personal experience being awesome to initiate projects that will benefit everyone, regardless of race, religion, social- and economic standing as well as political affiliation,” he affirmed, tears of joy and commitment streaming down his smooth cheeks. “I will work tirelessly to ensure that we all will have perfect lives, with absolutely nothing to complain about.

“I am the Awesome Minister for ALL Malaysians. I, am yours.”

URGING EQUAL REPRESENTATION: PHAK president Minah Jelir

KUALA LUMPUR — Phantoms, ghosts, demons and other Malaysian supernatural beings across the country today urged the government and the Election Commission to make voting easier for them this coming 13th General Elections.

Speaking at their headquarters during an awkwardly-timed Press conference past midnight, Minah Jelir, President of Persatuan Hantu Kebangsaan (PHAK), said that in light of the huge number of registered ‘pengundi hantu’, the authorities should be more sensitive to their unique needs.

“For the longest time, we feel neglected and marginalised despite the fact that we make up a good percentage of the 13 million registered voters in the country,” said Minah, an 83-year old pontianak (female vampire) dressed in a fashionably long torn white robe, with the odd blood and dirt stain or two. “But every single election season, my people find that the voting conditions are simply deplorable.”

Minah pointed how the voting period of 8am to 5pm does not consider the nocturnal nature of ghouls and demons.

“For goodness sake, which phantom in their right mind stays up in the middle of the day?” asked Minah angrily. “Our skin burns when exposed to sunlight. No amount of SPF100 sunblock can protect us while queueing for our turn to cast our votes!” she growled, before relating the unfortunate incident in 2008 in which 3 hantu rayas (a type of demon that acts as a double for a black magic practitioner) burst into flames in the hot sun in Kodiang, Kedah. “It’s no secret that the undead are only active at night, so please extend the voting hours for us. Stop being so living-centric!”

Eyes glowing with fury, Minah also raised the issue of having to bring along an identification card in order to be allowed into a voting centre.

“Look, some of us ghosts pre-date Identification Cards and Malaysian passports, okay? Hantu Galah (pole ghost) out there is over 6,000 years old,” said Minah, gesturing to a tall, thin demon hiding behind a huge tree in the HQ compound. “And like many ghosts, he’s the introvert type too scared and shy to go to the National Registration Department to get his IC made. But does that mean he doesn’t have the right to determine who governs this fair land on which we haunt?”

Minah however said the association agreed that the Malaysian general election is only for Malaysian citizens. “We at PHAK fully support the condition that only Malaysians — humans or ghouls — get to vote here, this is our country and we should have the exclusive right to pick who leads us. so Count Dracula and his expat ‘mat salleh’ minions don’t qualify, just like my Kuntilanak cousins from Indonesia. But please, find another way to identify us. Surely you have the technology to do that?”

“And what’s with the indelible ink?” asked the bloodsucker from Kuala Selangor, whose victim tally is reportedly in the hundreds. “Sure, it works on human fingers, but what about those with less-than-alive skin and brimstone-hardened talons? The silver nitrate content of the ink does not go well with our dead cells!” she said, taking a swipe at the table she was seated at, leaving a set of horrifying deep gashes on the teak wood that made several Press members faint in fear. “Frankly I don’t see the point of painting some red ink on our fingers when our entire hands are covered in blood.

JUSTICE FOR EVERY’BODY’: The Penanggalan vampire

NOT HANDS-ON: The tightly-shrouded Pocong

“Plus, you know what’s the toughest part about this indelible ink business? It totally disregards the phantom voters who can’t get their hands extended to be painted, such as the Pocong (ghost in death shroud). And where is the Penanggalan (floating vampire head) supposed to be painted with the ink? Her entrails?” said Minah, pointing towards the ghastly ghoul at the back of the room while telling her to stop feeding from the neck of a petrified Harian Metro journalist.

“The Election Commission also must address the age requirements for voters,” she added. “While the rules for the living may be clear, the EC should think about how the 21-and-above rule applies to my old-but-forever-young colleague, Toyol (child spirit used by black magic practitioners to steal). He may look like a typical 2-year old, but ladies and gentlemen, he’s been 2 for the last 150 years.”

The pontianak continued, “We want the government to introduce some comprehensive changes to enable ghosts and phantom voters to perform our civic duty in peace. We understand that you humans may not want to cast your votes amongst us — our horrid appearance may strike mortal fear in many of you, but believe me, some of us do not wish to be seen amongst the living too.

KID AT HEART: The Toyol

“So we urge EC to provide a separate venue and time for us soulless beings. A place where we can vote without causing mass hysteria or being jeered, or worse still — victimised by ghost hunters. A place where less-than-modest ghosts like Hantu Kopek (demon that suffocates her victims with her killer breasts) can do her deed without shame,” said Minah, her fangs glistening in the moonlight peering through the window.

Asked what would be the association’s hopes for the future of Malaysia, Miss Jelir said that she envisions a time where phantoms and humans can co-exist in peace and harmony.

“Yes, we may have many issues to iron out,” she said, eyes tearing from her emotions and raw exposed nerves. “Our kind may find difficulty finding alternative food sources — you living do taste good. But if we could just put all these petty issues behind us and focus on our future and the rakyat’s wellbeing, we can all be happy together.

“I’d like to see one of my kind in Parliament one day. Imagine that, a Yang Berpuaka debating on education or defence issues with a Yang Berhormat. That would be just inspiring!” said Minah, before letting out a banshee-like laughter and flying off into the cloudless night.

ANWAR: “Putrajaya isn’t the only option”

KUALA LUMPUR — With the general election date looming, Opposition leader Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim today said that Pakatan Rakyat’s drive to take over Putrajaya is in full swing. However, he stated that should that goal not be met, the coalition, comprising PKR, DAP and PAS, would be happy to capture Cyberjaya instead.

“We understand that with all the campaign money spent by the other side, it’s an uphill battle to wrestle Putrajaya from Barisan Nasional,” said Anwar at the campaign headquarters in Kelana Jaya to reporters. “What more with constituency demarcations and other naughty things that happen during the elections, we’ve certainly got the odds stacked against us.

“So our strategy is two-prong: should Putrajaya fail, our Plan B is to take its next-door neighbour, Cyberjaya,” he said confidently, as his lieutenants nodded in unison. “It may not be as glamorous as Putrajaya, but it has its charms.”

“Cyberjaya has some good-looking buildings and road designs. I think the Shell building, with its futuristic theme, looks awesome. And the MDeC office building — its homely atmosphere is absolutely a bliss,” he said, showing some A3-sized photos of iconic structures in the IT hub.

COMPARABLE: Putrajaya night scene (top) and Cyberjaya’s planned Sky Park (bottom)

“Fine, Putrajaya has a big lake and a bunch of fancy bridges littering the city, but really, who needs a huge lake with bridges? And Alamanda mall? Cyberjaya’s got Street Mall, baby!” said Anwar, referring to the cluster of various stores comprising Hassan’s Cafe mamak shop, Gomez Polyclinic, Kyros Kebab, Penang Cafe and the odd sundry shop, telco distributor, art shop, print shop, laundry service and other eateries. “And with more shopping centres and office blocks coming up such as de’Pulze, Shaftsbury and Sky Park, it’s a thriving place to be seen at.”

Anwar also pointed out the difference between the Putrajaya population and the residents of Cyberjaya. “While Putrajaya may have the clean-cut family community, Cyberjaya is filled with young and energetic students, thanks to Limkokwing University of Creative Technology, Multimedia University and a few other colleges. This is not counting the young technocrats that make up the population. For goodness sake, Cyberjaya’s got TWO Starbucks within walking distance to each other!,” he enthused.

Answering a reporter’s question about what he’d do if Pakatan fails to capture even Cyberjaya, Anwar gave a firm answer, “Well, there’s always Petaling Jaya, Subang Jaya, TTDI Jaya or even Bertam Jaya, which was formerly known as Batang Berjuntai. So, there’s plenty of options for us. We’re very confident of capturing at least one of those.”

Making the announcement after a two-hour meeting in Putrajaya this morning, EC chairman Tan Sri Abdul Aziz Mohd Yusof said that the commission decided to omit the traditional pageant two-piece portion to make the elections process more clean and Syariah-compliant.

“We will, however, still continue with the evening gown and talent contest,” said Abdul Aziz, much to the relief of the Press members present at the media conference. “In lieu of prevalent sensitivities, we must ensure that the election respects everyone’s feeling, despite the need to keep it exciting and entertaining, as well as transparent and fair. And lovely too.”

Abdul Aziz said that the race to capture Parliament and state assembly seats would begin with candidate nominations on April 20, and urged the competing parties to use the the 3-week campaign period in in a civil manner.

“No shenanigans, no tomfoolery, and that is final. The EC expects each candidate to carry themselves with dignity and grace,” he said sternly. “In the past we have received complaints of sabotage and other unsportsman-like conduct to discredit opponents. Well, no more. We will be deploying many more officers to check on unfair campaign tactics and ensure voters would be able to make free and informed decisions.”

FOR THE WINNER: Abdul Aziz showing the winner’s tiara

Abdul Aziz then offered his advice, “Candidates from all parties, be it Barisan Nasional, Pakatan Rakyat or independent ones, should be focusing on clarifying their promises and manifesto to their potential constituencies, as well as clarifying their facial complexion. A beautiful complexion, together with a presentable attire and good stance, is very important to capture the imagination of the voters.

“Spend the campaign period wisely by engaging the best beauty products, beauticians and mak andams (beauty consultants typically hired by brides for their special day). Book your spa sessions early, as you may be amongst the few left on their own come polling day!,” he said, adding that traditional mandi lulur, mandi susu and make-up packages are not government controlled items, so the prices would probably be inflated for the next few weeks. “Ensure that the spas and beauty salons are registered with us to avoid being cheated.

“Other than that, do spend some time preparing for the talent competition,” said Abdul Aziz, referring to the most challenging portion of the contest. “In the past, we’ve had to endure many candidates making a fool of themselves on stage, singing off-tune, forgetting lyrics or completely destroying songs banging on the piano. Please, take this competition seriously.

“If you’re playing any musical instrument, please ensure that they are presentable and fully-tuned. And whatever you’re singing, be it pop, rock, ethnic-creative or reggae, do bring the minus one in the correct format, preferably WAV or MP3, and please, no lip-sync this year. If you’re telling jokes, test them out to friends and family members whom you know would give honest critiques.

“And for goodness sake, if you’re performing any tricks involving fire, do not wear pyrophilic attire or fire-prone wigs, that’s just asking for trouble!” said Abdul Aziz, referring to one rather unfortunate second-degree burn incident involving a PAS candidate during GE10.

Abdul Aziz also encouraged the parties to ensure their nominees get proper health check and quality assurance. “Not only should the candidates be screened for elements of corruption or wrongdoings via MACC or other auditing bodies, they should also be screened to exclude any genetically modified (GM) ingredients.

“In fact, I would go so far as to encourage them to get proper SIRIM and ISO certifications, in addition to obtaining Halal certification from JAKIM. This would tell the voters ‘I’m a winnable candidate’!”

The EC chairman added that the GE13 organiser have spared no expense in ensuring that the elections are of the highest, global quality.

GLORY & GRACE: A sample of the sash for the winning candidates

“The tiara for the ultimate winner — the PM’s post — was specially designed by Habib Jewels,” he said, proudly showing the gorgeous creation, made with platinum, diamonds, set with a twenty-one carat cabochon-cut white opal and a three carat Burmese pigeon’s blood ruby. “And this sash, to be given to the winning candidate of each parliamentary or state seat, is made of pure Chinese silk, woven by the the finest artisans.”

The grand finale is scheduled to be televised ‘live’ via RTM on the eve of polling day.

EC has also engaged the best local couturers for the evening gown event. “Datuk Jimmy Choo, Zang Toi, Rizalman, Bernard Chandran — you name it, we’ve got it!” said Abdul Aziz, snapping his fingers three times, moving his head from side-to-side. “It’s going to be completely fah-bulous, honey.”

—

PUTRAJAYA — Prime Minister Dato’ Sri Mohd Najib Tun Razak today announced the invention of two new calendar months to add to the existing twelve, in a move critics say is a shameless way for his Barisan Nasional administration to buy more time to prepare for the 13th general elections, which must be held no later than 27th June 2013.

The two new months — Febarch, inserted between February and March, and Marpril, slotted between March and April — consisting 30 days each, will be implemented starting this year and would increase the number of days in 2013 to a total of 425.

Najib said that the decision to add the new months did not have anything to do with the elections and that it was merely a way of giving more time for Malaysians to enjoy each year.

PEOPLE FRIENDLY: WIth the new months, Malaysians will have more time to spend with their families

“Too many times I hear complaints by people that there isn’t enough time in their daily routine to do everything they needed or wanted to do,” said Najib to reporters at Sri Perdana. “Between their jobs and responsibilities, their daily commute being stuck in traffic and precious time to wind down, many cannot find the time to enjoy with their families or pursue their hobbies. My administration is very concerned about this trend, and being a caring government, feel that we must do something to help the people.

“Of course, the cost of adding more hours in a day is prohibitive — that would involve slowing down Earth’s rotation to delay sunrise and sunset, so we decided to use some innovation to add more days to the year — hence giving some breathing space for everyone. Malaysians are known around the world as some of the most hardworking people, but this may come at a cost. With 60 extra days in each year, we can all plan more time-off and vacations with our loved ones.

“At the very least, we would not have to rush everything so much,” said Najib.

The opposition meanwhile lambasted the premier for his latest announcement as a ‘desperate and unfair delaying tactic’.

“This is outrageous! The PM cannot simply invent months to buy more time to prepare for GE13,” said Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim, leader of Pakatan Rakyat when contacted. “Malaysians have spent too long under this oppressive regime to tolerate underhanded tactics like this, just because the ruling government is not ready to fight. We cannot wait any more. Call for elections now!” he growled angrily.

“Besides, how in God’s name are we supposed to fit with the timing of the rest of the world? While other countries enter 2014 in ten months, we would still be crawling along, left behind by two whole months,” added Anwar. “And in six years, we would be left behind by a whole year. The synchronisation process would be extremely stressful for businesses and communities alike, I’m already having trouble with jetlag from my international trips!”

Offering a rebuttal, Information, Communication and Culture Minister Datuk Seri Utama Dr Rais Yatim said that the opposition should stop viewing every government initiative as an election ploy. “Please, not everything we do is about the elections. We do, occasionally, do things for the benefit of the people, with no extrinsic motivation,” said Rais sarcastically. “The Prime Minister saw that the people were getting too stressed out, chasing deadlines and not having enough time for themselves, what’s wrong with helping them? Don’t be so negative!

“Every single time we do something good, the opposition finds ways to discredit us. We give BR1M, KR1M, TR1M, they say we’re bribing the people. There’s just no pleasing them. Besides, it is perfectly within the powers of the PM to adjust the calendar according to national interest. We’ve changed our monetary denominations and adjusted time zones before to accommodate commercial needs, what’s the big deal?” asked the senior cabinet minister.

“This is the difference between Barisan Nasional and Pakatan Rakyat — we are all about Malaysia Boleh (Malaysia Can) while for them it is always Tidak Boleh (Cannot),” he scoffed.

“This is our anything-is-possible spirit. The spirit of ‘1Malaysia Possible’. In fact, I will propose to the Prime Minister to launch this 1Malaysia Possible (1Mpossible) campaign as soon as possible, to embolden our people to embrace our endless possibilities. Let the opposition be stuck in their old ways, while we the youth accelerate into the future!“

NAUSEATING: The bullshit-caused haze enveloping the city

“It’s really all BS,” said Prof. Kamisah Mat Bahrom, lead researcher at Universiti Malaya’s Institut Penyelidikan Alam Sekitar dan Pencemaran. “The plumes of toxic, nauseating smoke that permeate every crevice in the city are a direct result — nay, direct product — of the crap coming out of people’s mouths, especially politicians and the media from all sides, plus quick-rich scheme con artists.

“For years, we were under the impression that the haze is caused by the dry spell exacerbated by ‘hot spots’ of open burning in Indonesia,” said Prof Kamisah. “In actuality, while the fires do contribute to the smoke we breathe every day, most of it is just filthy, unadulterated hot air coming from dishonest mouths and mouthpieces. If you think about it, it’s quite disgusting, not to mention downright unhygienic.”

She continued, “From empty election promises, slander and exaggerated descriptions by politicians, from one-sided media reporting from all sides of the many divides, the obvious bullshit spewed by individuals with fancy titles selling alternative medicines, ingenious solutions to virtually any problem and the moronic stuff said by some so-called celebrities in the rags, it’s amazing how Malaysians have tolerated such crap for such a long time. Bullshit should be a national heritage.”

Prof. Kamisah said that the findings were derived from a project initiated in 2004 that measured and analysed the almost annual occurrence afflicting Klang Valley and at times, the whole country.

“Our team, working with the some international environmental bodies, placed sensors all over Malaysia to collect the polluted air, to merely confirm our hypothesis that the haze is caused by irresponsible open burning. However, beginning 2006, while the satellite images showed that the hot spots around the region did contribute to the smog, we noticed that the samples did not resemble any type of smoke typically originating from forest or agricultural land clearing fires. That was when we expanded our research to find the root cause.”

The researcher said that after 6 years scouring the data, the team reached their conclusion.

“We were, of course, surprised by our findings,” said Prof. Kamisah. “While we’ve all been used to listening to bullshit, horsecrap and hot air coming out of politicians, con artists and the different media, we didn’t think it would be anything that would affect our health. But the research says it all, bullshit kills!” she said angrily, showing the reams of data and charts validating her claim.

“Sadly we cannot reduce the amount or quality of bullshit the country produces every day,” she continued, looking forlorn. “However, our team recommends a two-prong approach to tackling the situation — Protect and Repurpose.

PROTECT: Our young must be educated to filter the dirty bullcrap, validate the information and form their own truths and opinions

“By ‘Protect’, we need to somehow inculcate in our population, especially the young, that they shouldn’t believe everything they hear, see or read. In addition to proper face masks to filter the polluted air, they need to be educated to sift the truths, half-truths and the complete bull dung when dealing with the daily load of ‘news’, ‘advice’ and ‘opinions’ by people especially public figures. They need to be critical and analytical, so that they’re not easily swayed and used like some herd of cows,” said the researcher animatedly.

“And secondly, since we cannot reduce the production of bullshit-induced haze, my team suggests that we use it as an alternative and sustainable energy source. I mean, our nation produces at least 750 million tonnes of bullshit annually, it’d be a waste and even irresponsible to let it dissipate back to nature.”

Prof. Kamisah then showed an artist’s rendition of the “BS reactor”, a large vacuum suction connected to a series of underground facilities that could process the BS-haze and turn it into electrical energy.

REPURPOSE: The team’s proposed BS-haze vacuum hole connected to underground energy reactors

“Our international partners and our institute have put together a grand plan to build 30 such vacuum holes all around the city. We believe that at full mobilisation, the new BS-haze energy could not only contribute significantly to our energy needs and reduce our reliance on coal-based power plants, it can even be exported to our neighbours, creating wealth for our country.

“It may not be ‘clean energy’, what with the dirty lies and horse shit. But it is green, abundant, and absolutely safe. This will be Malaysia’s legacy to mother earth.”

MAS managing director Ahmad Jauhari Yahya said that the Northrop Grumman B-2 Spirit aircraft, originally built to deliver nuclear explosive devices and other weapons of mass destruction, would be refitted to serve their new purpose as ultra-premium passenger carriers.

ULTRA-PREMIUM: Malaysia Airlines’ new fleet of B-2 Stealth former-bomber aircraft will herald a new age of understated luxury for the discerning traveller

“This may look like a CSR thing, turning a tool of war and death into one of class and comfort. However, it’s leading edge strategy,” said Jauhari, gesturing toward a picture of the menacing beast. “Our stealth aircraft will make us worlds apart from our competitors, providing quiet and fast transport for the discerning yet secretive traveller.”

Jauhari said that the new aircraft would be part of Malaysia Airlines’ new ‘Black Fleet’, an ultra-premium mode of transportation for the hyper-discerning traveller who prefer anonymity when globetrotting.

“There are many clients out there who need to be under the radar when travelling outstation. From uber-celebrities, tycoons and high-profile world leaders who appreciate privacy — they don’t want their travel itineraries made public and have unfriendly parties such as paparazzi waiting at airports. Our new planes can take them anywhere in the world so quietly, even the airport people won’t know they’re coming!” he joked.

Jauhari explained that the 20 bombers, currently on active duty with the US Air Force and could enter any airspace virtually undetected by radar, would cost the company US$600 million (RM1.9 billion) each, with an additional RM35 million allocated for passenger refurbishments per aircraft.

“A brand new B-2 stealth bomber costs around US$1.07 billion (RM3.4 billion), and we’re getting these 10-year, ‘pre-loved’ aircraft for almost half price. It’s a bargain really, considering the unique brand proposition for the company,” said Jauhari.

“Look at what the Concorde did for Air France!”

Jauhari added that the aircraft’s feasibility is further boosted by its mid-flight refueling capability.

DON’T FEEL LIKE LANDING YET? NO PROBLEM!: The B-2′s mid-flight refueling capability via a Stratotanker makes the need for landing a thing of the past

“Our Black Fleet planes can not only land virtually anywhere, they can also fly as long as we want. There’s no limit to air travel now — if our clients don’t want to land, they can stay in the air indefinitely. We just keep refueling!”

He also explained that each aircraft would be fitted with the most luxurious creature comforts and most advanced technologies to ensure that the 32 high-value passengers reach their destinations secretly, yet refreshed and in style.

“We’re not sparing any expenses for out most valuable passengers,” said Jauhari. “From the most supple leather upholstery, to the gold-trimmings and custom-made teak wood and diamond-encrusted Kharma audio-video system, our clients can expect only the best of the best.

“Of course, all the top-of-the-line equipment will be matched with the best in service,” added Jauhari.

“Expect the finest and rarest Wagyu steak, Almas caviar and Matsutake mushrooms on the menu. If need be, we’ll even fly Chef Domenico Crolla to whip up his world-famous Pizza Royale with gold flakes. It’s the kind of absurdly understated luxury that is demanded by the most classy client.

“That’s the mantra of the stealth Black Fleet: Silent But Golden.”

GOODBYE, ‘PHILLIP’: American Idol winner Phillip Phillips (left) with fellow finalist Jessica Sanchez at the final show

“When my folks had me, they were just fresh out of college, starting out their lives so they couldn’t afford to get me a real first name,” said Phillips, gesturing towards his proud parents sitting in the audience after the announcement was made on Wednesday night that he had beaten fellow Idol finalist, Jessica Sanchez. “The choices were limited then — they could either borrow, beg or steal a first name for me, so they decided to borrow from the family. Of course I don’t hold anything against them for it, things were tough back then,” he added, blowing a kiss to his mother.

“Now the first thing I’ll do when I get my recording contract advanced payment is to walk over to the National Registration Department and get my own name. I can’t wait to say goodbye to my pseudonym, Phillip,” said Phillips, reflecting on the difficult years in school being teased for having the same first and surnames. “I mean, Phillip is a wonderful name. But the fact that it’s just borrowed from a last name, that’s kinda taken the good vibe out of it. I felt like I was ordinary. It was tough. I had only one friend throughout high school who sympathised with my predicament, I’ve always wished for the day when I could change it.

“This win’s for you, Michael Michaels. We did it, buddy!” yelled Phillips into the camera, wiping tears from his cheeks.

Phillips continued, “It was bad enough to be called ‘stutter name’ or ‘carbon copy kid’. When I tried to alleviate the problem by just using my initials ‘PP’, they called me ‘PeePee’. I was traumatised.”

Fellow finalist Jessica Sanchez said that while she was disappointed that she didn’t win the show, she was inspired by Phillips’ success story. “I know how hard it is having a borrowed name — for a few years my best friend in school was stuck with the name Willow Willows. Fortunately in senior year, her parents bought her the first name ‘Wendy’, so she could start over her life. But not everyone was as lucky to have been able to afford a new name.

“Despite his handicap, Phillip proved that he could break through the discrimination and social stigma. I can’t think of a better person to beat me in the show. Congratulations!” said Sanchez, hugging Phillips.

Phillips said that he hopes to finalise his name purchase and registration before he releases his first album. “It would be a good start to my career. Yes, my fans and the American Idol voters know me as Phillip Phillips, but I don’t think having a different first name will affect their support.

“Artistes change their names constantly, and their fans didn’t leave them. Look at The-Artiste-Formerly-Known-As-Prince-Then-Changed-Into-A-Squiggly-Symbol-And-Now’s-Back-As-Prince. He still sells records. It’s all about the music.”

Asked what his new first name would be, Phillip Phillips admitted that he had not finalised his choice as yet, having been tied up with winning the show and all. “Honestly I haven’t been able to lock in to one name, I’ve got a few choices flying in my head,” he said, apparently overwhelmed by the turn of events. “I’d need to think about this carefully, my first name will determine my career success,” he stated, seriously.

“I’ve always liked ‘Alejandro’ and ‘Maximillian’. My folks did want to name me ‘Benjamin’ when I was born, but they couldn’t afford it. So maybe I’ll use all three.

“Alejandro Maximillian Benjamin Phillips. Now that sells records. Yeah!”

“We have to accept that relying on Indonesian maids is simply not sustainable in the long run,” said Human Resources Minister Datuk Seri Dr S. Subramaniam when met after officiating an event here. “The already tense relationship caused by the cases of employers abusing their maids and of maids abusing their employers’ children is not helped by people fanning the fire,” said Subramaniam, referring to political and NGO leaders from both sides making statements in the media recently. “The ‘temporary’ maid freeze, imposed by Indonesia since 2009 has put a lot of strain on Malaysian parents trying to juggle their hectic work hours and homes duties. And the longer we take to solve these issues, the worse it gets for them. So we need to think outside the box.

HELPFUL AND HARDWORKING: French maids are as good as Indonesian maids, and come with their own uniforms

“After looking around the region for alternative sources of domestic helpers, we’ve decided that French maids were the best answer.”

The minister said that French maids were just as efficient, hardworking and organised as their Indonesian counterparts. “If you can put aside the inconvenience of possibly having to learn French to get them to do your housework, French maids are a very good option. In fact, in some aspects they are the better option,” said Subra. “They look good, and come complete with their own uniform.

“Not to mention, our two cultures are completely different, so it avoids the uncomfortable situation of fighting over wayang kulit, batik or who owns what song and all that,” he said, referring to Indonesia and Malaysia’s fight over the ownership of the folk song Rasa Sayang and the Negaraku/Terang Bulan argument.

Subra said that this move would benefit both nations, considering Malaysia’s stronger economic position. “Malaysian employers would certainly welcome the French maids. I’ve had so many positive feedback from professionals requiring domestic help. So many of my friends, fathers of small children who need someone to watch over them, have asked me to expedite this deal.

“The maids, in turn, would find a better life here in our great country, compared to their desolate existence in their backward, mainly agro-based homeland. Many would take up the opportunity to leave their vineyards and work in our metropolitan, urban cities. It’s every French girl’s dream,” he said confidently.

Subra said that he will be leading a contingent of 200 Malaysian experts to study the maid situation in France in July. “This is a serious situation, and we need to study this carefully. We will start our French language and cultural lessons next week to acclimatise ourselves, including going on a strictly French food diet and familiarising ourselves with French culture. In fact, I’ve already replaced having rice at home with French fries. It’s a good source of carbohydrates. My officers and I are quite stoked to check out the quality of maids there.

“Hopefully, this deal will happen. Oui?“

THE BEST INGREDIENTS: Pakatan will field the perfect candidates for GE13

Speaking at a Press conference at the Parti Keadilan Rakyat headquarters, Anwar said that the candidates, grown in secret labs in the past five years, were designed to ‘be everything to everyone’, solving the ultimate challenge faced by politicians of not being able to make every single voter happy.

“We’ve learned from 2008 that we can’t just pick any Tom, Dick and Harry to run for us. The candidates, codenamed PERWARAK for ‘Perfect Wakil Rakyats’, will obliterate BN and end their reign of domination,” declared Anwar, as his lieutenants nodded confidently. ”We harnessed the DNAs from our best specimens, cultivated the seeds in petri dishes five years ago and the clones were accelerated into adulthood via our patented GenoXcell™ technology, all ready for the 13th General Elections.

“The 1,000 units — 500 males and 500 females — have matured, and each of them is now in the process of being programmed with the expected knowledge, skillset and political outlook appropriate to the locality he or she will represent. The BN fools are mere natural humans with countless imperfections — they are no match for our flawless candidates!” said the enthusiastic former Deputy Prime Minister, met by the joyous roar of his supporters.

Anwar said that the PERWARAKs embodied the best of Malaysia, and have been shaped to appeal to each voter in their appearance and substance. “The candidates, model XT-43, which are a much improved version of our XT-35 model we tested at one of the by-elections in 2010, were designed to encapsulate the best facial and physical features of the Malays, Chinese, Indians and other races within the country. We even threw in some Scandinavian, African and Latin features in, just to perfect the blend and make them ‘glocal’,” he said, while handing out some mugshots of the candidates. “Perfectly beautiful, aren’t they?”

PERFECTION-PROGRAMMED: The facial construction software for the XT-43 is able to create the ideal candidate for each constituency

Anwar pointed out that the features can be tailor-made to please the individual constituency. “For example, in a really urban area where young, trendy voters expect to be represented by one of their own, our candidate can be made to look vibrant, young, tanned and metrosexual. Even the hair can be programmed to be slightly brownish, or mauve, to have that slight hint of modernity. In constituencies with high concentration of more aged population or conservative voters, our candidate will be programmed to be older, perhaps more pudgy to give the impression of ‘experienced’ and ‘trustworthy’. His hair can be slightly thinner and splashed with some silver highlights,” said Anwar, jokingly gesturing towards his own crop, to the delight of those present. “The point is, everything will be programmed pre-election, so it will be completely natural.”

As for the personality, character and skillset of each PERWARAK, Anwar said that the candidates have been fitted with some common core directives and software, in addition to the unique, localised programming. “Yes, candidates in Kelantan will be speaking in Kelate, and the ones sent to Terengganu will be all Ganu Kita,” joked the charismatic leader. “However, each candidate is hard-wired to be honest, passionate, caring, loyal and completely dedicated to the needs of the Rakyat. Of course, they’re also pre-programmed to be loyal to the Pakatan Rakyat coalition,” he said, sternly. “We wouldn’t want any party-hopping now, do we?”

To stress his point, Anwar said that the PERWARAKs have been designed to abhor corruption and bribery. “Their basic Operating System does not recognise the value of greed and self-glory. So BN can forget about buying them over. They’re completely bribe-proof. In fact, each candidate have been fixed with a self-destruct device which would be enabled if they even consider being a turncoat.

“But don’t worry, the self-destruct process is fully internal — they’re not going to blow up in public or something,” said Anwar, referring in jest to the XT-35 model whose head exploded in a crowded area, injuring five bystanders after thinking about changing camps in Perak two years ago. “This time, any ‘defective’ candidate will just have their internal organs disintegrate quietly, so the public is completely safe.

“And talking about safe, the candidates are also designed to not die without justification. We’ve had enough inconvenience of by-elections triggered by the deaths of MPs and ADUNs, so our PERWARAK batteries are perpetual-powered. They’ll last virtually forever, or until the next model comes out.”

When asked what would happen to all the ‘natural human’ candidates within Pakatan Rakyat when the PERWARAKs take their jobs, especially the Prime Minster position, Anwar said that these are sacrifices PR leaders are willing to make for the benefit of the rakyats. “We’ll take the back seat of the country’s administration and let the perfect YBs do the work. They have all the necessary qualities to do a great job, so we can depend on them. And if they don’t, we’ll just turn them off remotely.

“They may be sitting in the EXCOs and Parliament, but we’re still their boss. So they’re kinda like ‘Wakil kepada Wakil Rakyat’ (representatives to the representatives). It’s a win-win situation — the PERWARAKs will be running around solving the country’s problems, while we’ll run the country from the comfort of ur homes,” said Anwar. “We’re all about balance, so quality family time is very important to us.”

BN chairman Prime Minister YAB Dato’ Seri Mohd Najib Razak declined to comment on the latest development, however an unnamed source within the coalition confirmed that they were working on a technology to counter the PERWARAKs, including the use of high intensity Electro-Magnetic (EM) disruptor guns to crack through their firewall, disable their software and render them useless. “Yeah, they’ll still be the good looking, perfect glocal-global-whatever-featured specimens, but imagine them just standing there at the podium, unable to deliver their speeches, looking like complete idiots. That’ll be entertaining,” said the source.