Category Archives: World News

Worms reject proverb on early bird

OXFORD — Representatives of worms worldwide have submitted a memorandom to the English Language Centre at Oxford University today, demanding a ‘long-overdue” retraction of the popular old saying, ‘The early bird catches the worm’.

WORMS: Demand better representation in proverb

Reading from a 52-page statement outlining the worm community’s protest, lawyer Michael Uckers said that the proverb, first recorded in John Ray’s A collection of English proverbs in 1678, is a “gross discriminatory expression against the worm species”.

“The worm communities and subspecies around the globe fully reject this insensitive proverb, obviously coined by some ignorant scoleciphobic (those with fear of worms) back in the 17th century,” said Uckers at a Press conference held on university grounds.

“The proverb is an unfair representation of the worm-bird symbiotic relationship, and only serves to advocate hostility between the two species. The worms protest the apparent clarion call for birds to ‘get up early’ and mercilessly hunt for worms, who are basically peace-loving creatures trying to make a living.

“Worms generally, other than the parasitic types found in human and animal guts and fruits, are non-violent invertebrates who don’t bother anyone. For example, the earthworms live underground, mind their own business and in fact, help to make the soil fertile for plants and crops. So the worm community, from earthworms to seaworms, demand that the saying is removed from the English proverb libraries, or at least is modified to present a fairer view of worms.

“What more considering how worms play a big part in preserving the delicate balance of the ecosystem.”

Uckers continued his argument that while the proverb’s purpose was well-intentioned, which was telling humans to get up early to sieze every opportunity during the day, the positive message was only relevant if the reader identified themselves with the bird.

VICTIMISED: The proverb promotes violence against worms

“Sure, the early bird catches the worm. Good for the early bird. But what about the early worm? It doesn’t make much sense to get up early now, does it?” asked Uckers. “This proverb basically says, if you’re a worm, it’s suicide to get out early in the morning. We believe the saying is the main reason for the apparent lack of drive and the decline of hardworking spirit in the young worms nowadays. As everyone knows, worm teens are sleeping in longer, and are adverse to toiling in the garden. In fact, they prefer to spend their whole day indoors in the burrows, wasting their waking hours on X-box, Wii and Facebook games.

“The proverb is the very core reason to the decay of morals and values in the worm community. So before the effects become irreversible, the problem must be arrested.”

Uckers said that the linguists in the worm community have proposed several alternatives which would be fairer to both bird and worm.

“For example, ‘The early bird and worm get their food’. There’s no hostile element in that line, which basically advocates the same positive value. No worms are presented as victims, and no birds are told to take the violent route to line their stomachs. Everybody wins.”

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Shah Alam school keen on signing Rooney

ROONEY: Reportedly in talks with Cikgu Johan

SEKSYEN 19, SHAH ALAM — A primary school in Shah Alam, Selangor has expressed interest in signing Manchester United star Wayne Rooney for their 2011 inter-school football campaign. Announcing the grand intention at a Press Conference today, Sekolah Rendah Agama (Integrasi) Seksyen 19 football coach cum Guru Sukan (Evening Session) Cikgu Johan Johari, 32, said that the school is currently negotiating with the English player’s agents to bring him in before the new school session begins in January.

“We have actually been considering signing Mr Rooney since the middle of last year,” said Cikgu Johan. “But there was always some sort of issue that cropped up, like lack of funding and immigration issues. Plus, at the time, Mr Rooney wasn’t really interested in leaving MU. Now that he’s announced his departure from the Red Devils, he’s certainly welcomed here in Skuad Harimau Kecil,” added Cikgu Johan, referring to the school team’s nickname.

Cikgu Johan said that the £20 million Premier League striker would be a natural addition to the team. “We welcome him with open arms, despite all the personal issues that have plagued him recently. For us at the school, we believe in second chances, and we look at him as a footballer first, and celebrity second. We think his playing style fits our team best, where attack forms the backbone of our strategy, coupled with a strong defence and flexible middle players.

“He’s quite talented,” said Cikgu Johan, matter-of-factly. “Almost as good as I was when I was younger back in college, I might add.

SRA(I) SEKSYEN 19: May be future home for Rooney

“So he’ll fit in quite effortlessly in our team. We’ve had a vacancy in our striker position after our previous attacker Kamil Yaakob graduated Year 6 and took his talent to MCKK last year, so his timing to leave MU is perfect.”

“Mr Rooney would find himself really at home here in Seksyen 19,” he added warmly. “The people here are really friendly, houses are quite cheap and good food is aplenty. For example, my house up in Jalan Landak is just a short walking distance to where the Nasi Lemak Ayam Rempah stall is.. And there are two 7-Elevens in the vicinity, not to mention clinics, polyclinics and 24-hour mamak shops. It’s paradise. In fact, I believe his home maker wife Colleen would find Shah Alam a very condusive place to start a family, what with caring neighbours and a close-knit community.”

Cikgu Johan said that the school was prepared to pay the multi-million ringgit cost to get hold of the football star, currently spokesperson for a multitude of international brands and reportedly earns more than £100,000 a week in wages and sponsorship deals.

“We had anticipated the cost, really. We are quite prepared to spend the necessary amount to get talent. We have quite a healthy bank account, thanks to our many activities the past couple of years, like Open Day, Hari Bendera and the PIBG Charity Dinner,” said Cikgu Johan confidently.

The teacher however said that if Rooney decides to come over, it would not be a walk in the park for the star.

“Look, we want to pay him money to help us win games and the championship,” said Cikgu Johan. “It’s not going to be a holiday. We train very hard, three times a week in the evenings, so he would have to step it up. He may be a star but here, Mr Rooney would have to prove to me and his team mates his worth.

“I’ll start him in easy games first, to expose him slowly to the high standards here. If he shows that he can be as good as my boys, he can slowly he can climb his way up and start in important games, like the one with Sekolah Menengah Seapark in July. If he shows me that he can really play, I’ll include him in our championship matches later in the year.

“But opportunities don’t come easily. If he’s worthy, he can go far.”

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The Devil denies wearing Prada

DEPTHS OF HELL – The Devil today issued an official denial that he wears any item made by luxury brand, Prada, as implied in the book “The Devil Wears Prada” and movie of the same name.

In a strongly-worded denial made at a Press conference, the Prince of Doom said that he was disturbed that the writers of the fictional story misrepresented him, hurting his already somewhat negative public image.

THE DEVIL: Sensible fashion sense

“I’ll have everyone know that I’m a pretty sensible and practical guy,” said the Lord of Darkness, referring to his fashion sense and shopping principles. “Where do I go to get my clothes? Not high street, for sure. Prada, Gucci and all that are a tad too flashy for me. I’m a Reject Shop and FOS kind of fellow. The max I’d go for would be Marks & Spencer, and I keep that kind of frivilous spending to a minimum of once every couple of months.

“You can check my wardrobe if you want.”

The Devil, who goes by many different names including Lucifer, El Diablo, Satan, Beelzebub, Iblis, Mammon and Suzanne, said that he was dismayed at the lack of respect for his image painstakingly built since he fell from God’s grace.

“I consider myself a pretty consistent fella,” he said. “I may be evil, damned and all, but one thing I’ve never been is flashy and frivilous. I’ve always had this understated style which I began developing a long time ago.

“Besides, being damned and falling from grace don’t get you up high in the priority list when considering budgets. The good guys always get the biggest cut of the pie, and folks like me have to make do with what little leftover pittance we get from HQ. So I can’t exactly afford paying four figures just for a shirt.”

The Devil also added that being in hell affects his choices when it comes to attires.

“Look, I work in a less-than-hospitable environment,” he said, in reference to the fire and brimstone-laden pits filled with decaying souls of the damned. “So for me, it’s not so important to have bling-blings and snazzy designs as opposed to having good heat resistant materials wrapping my body. The ‘breathable fabric developed by Nike last year was pretty good, but it went up in flames the moment I stepped out of my door to get to work.

“That was an embarrassing moment, being naked and all.”

Asked why he didn’t bring this up earlier, when the book was released or the movie, starring Anne Hathaway and Meryl Streep, was released in 2004, the Devil responded that he didn’t mind, until he saw someone’s Facebook update saying that “if the Devil wears Prada, then I wanna be in Hell too!”.

“That was it for me,” said Lucifer, sadly. “I didn’t mind some humans having fun with my name and using some creative license in their fictional work. But when people start believing that life’s all good in Hell, that it’s just a big party with everyone in branded clothes, I had to say ‘Enough!’ It’s a gross misrepresentation of reality, and I take great offence in it!” he said, pounding his flaming fist against a brimstone wall.

“But don’t get me wrong,” he added. “I loved Meryl Streep in the movie, and if I were to appear in a female human form, she’d be a great role model.

“I just don’t agree with her fashion sense.”

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Woman first human to be OPEC member

JONES: Thrilled to be part of this exclusive club

ONTARIO — For Andrea Jones, 35, her oily face had always been a problem. Ever since she hit puberty at ten, she’s always been the butt of jokes and taunts from family members, friends and colleagues. Now however, her overactive oil glands are proving to be a blessing as she received news that she has been accepted in the prestigious Organisation of Petroleum Exporting Countries (OPEC). The 12-member coalition, whose membership includes Angola, Iran, Kuwait, United Arab Emirates, Venezuela and Saudi Arabia, sent their offer to join to Miss Jones this week after carefully studying her oil-producing capabilities.

“Oh my god, this is an absolute dream come true,” shrieked Jones when contacted. “I’ve been trying to get rid of this oil on my face, with numerous types of mattifying moisturisers, oil blotters, medicated wet wipes and lotions, all to no avail. I clean my face in the morning and by lunchtime, I was dripping with oil. It has been such a pain!

“But now, look at me. I’m standing shoulder-to-shoulder with Qatar, yo!” she beamed, her face reflecting the ceiling light and partially blinding those present.

Showing the offer letter signed by OPEC secretary general, His Excellency Abdalla Salem El-Badri, Jones said that she was initially skeptical that a regular person like her could join such an esteemed global body.

“I mean, I thought, who am I to be compared to countries like Venezuela, who produces 2 million barrels of crude oil per day? I was barely pushing a pint per day. I didn’t think I was worthy of the honour,” admitted Jones. “But since the OPEC members have, as Mr El-Badri put it, ‘unanimously agreed’, I couldn’t say no.”

Jones says that instead of avoiding oily food as she had been trying to do the last few years, she will now eat only greasy fares.

“The oilier, the better!” she exclaimed. “Now, I typically start my day with a bucket of golden brown deep fried chicken, dipped in saturated fat, for breakfast. For lunch and dinner, I alternate between fried fish and beef jerky, all dripping grease. Yum-my! As for snacks, I now only take palm oil kernel, dipped in salsa, you know, to keep my body balanced.

“OPEC was pretty clear with me about the rules,” said the single clerk. “I have to keep my oil production up, or else they’ll revoke my membership. I completely understand, they have to keep the global balance of power in their favour, and I have to play my part.”

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Scientists confirm prawns sexier than squids

WOLFVILLE, NOVA SCOTIA  – Scientists here believe they have resolved the long-running debate regarding who was sexier, the shrimp or the squid.

In a statement read by the head of Oceanology Department, University of Nova Scotia, Prof Herbert Langston, the group of scientists have unanimously agreed that prawns, or Litopenaeus vannamei, are “way cooler and sexier” than squids, or Sepioteuthis lessoniana.

SHELLS OVER TENTACLES: Sbalikbatu says prawns will hold global party

“After extensive and laborious research and statistical analysis, ratified by five independent auditors, we can conclusively deduct that prawns ooze much more sex appeal than squids, whether they’re giants or tiny regular ones,” said Prof Langston at the Press conference announcing the findings. “The notion that squids oozes sex appeal at all is now a fallacy. We found that the only thing they ooze is ink.”

The research, which took 2 years to complete in the cold waters off Eastern Canada, costing approximately 4.5 million Canadian dollars, was initiated to put an end to the often violent debate between the two camps. The bitter row has, in the last 50 years alone, engulfed many communities around the region and costed the lives of countless innocent prawns and squids. The scientists applied numerous techniques of research to come to the conclusion, including focus groups involving other marine species, online surveys and DNA laboratory studies.

“We are thankful that, during the process of the research, there were no untoward incidents or any attempts by either side to influence the outcome,” added Prof Langston. “Both species and their supporters have the same ideal in mind — which is to seek peace and closure to the tragic conflict. It is hoped that this finding will put to rest the argument over which species was more sexy. The prawn is indeed, da bomb.”

A representative of the prawns, when interviewed at the colony, expressed his extreme happiness at the result.

“We have truly been vindicated!” said Mr Udanga Sbalikbatu, excitedly. “What we have believed for eons, engrained in our culture and taught for generations, have been proven scientifically true. Take that up your shell-less ass, squids! Finally, our race, from common prawns to lobsters, can hold our heads up high in pride of our sexiness.

“At least we have heads!” said Sbalikbatu, laughing, in reference to their notion that squids don’t really have proper heads.

“We plan to hold global rallies to celebrate this momentuous day and our uber-sexuality, with squid-effigy burning ceremonies and wild sex parties all over. To my prawn brothers, keep your shells shiny and your eyes on the @Prawnsexy twitter account and my facebook for updates. 

“Squids not invited, haha!”

Meanwhile, the mood at the squid headquarters was a sombre one. Head of the squid camp Henrietta Calamari said that the species will be challenging the result of the University of Nova Scotia research.

"WE'RE SEXIER": Calamari says the squids will take matter to The Hague

“You bet your filthy crustacean ass we’ll fight this!” said Calamari angrily, tentacles swishing violently and big eyes red from fury. “We’ve got grace, we move nymph-like and glow throughout the ocean’s depths. What’s not sexy about that?

“And what do prawns have? Just stupid shells, spindly bug-like legs and antennae too long for their own good. They’re freaks!” huffed the cephalopod, squirting ink to express her disgust. “While we squids — all 300 subspecies of us — dance in the water beautifully, mucus-covered bodies glistening in the night light, those crab-wannabes trudge awkwardly across the ocean floor, and dare to call that swimming! What the hell is so sexy about that? It’s preposterous!

“You know what they call the land and air version of prawns? Insects! They sure as hell are far from alluring!”

Calamari said that the squid society’s legal team will be taking the case to The Hague for arbitration to settle the issue once and for all.

“How do we know the research was fair and objective? For all you know the prawns might have gone under the table, influencing the scientists to tilt the results in their favour. Because honestly, saying that prawns are sexier than this bod, simply doesn’t make sense,” said Calamari, shaking her finned conical butt (or head, depending on current orientation). “Heck even that one bone in my body has more sex appeal than all the prawns, lobsters and crabs put together.

“We’ll see what an international court has to say about this travesty of justice,” said Calamari, before she jet away in a puff of black ink.

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James Cameron to produce 3D glasses for real world

HOLLYWOOD — After the immense success of his groundbreaking 3D sci-fi film Avatar, director James Cameron is currently working with cinematic 3D technology developer Dolby3D to bring that technology into the real world, to enable regular people to enjoy their real life surroundings in complete stereoscopic 3D, complete with 360-degree Dolby Surround Sound™.

Avatar was both an epic story and a technological leap,” said Cameron at the event announcing the collaboration. “While fans watched it for the story, I don’t have any doubt that the amazing and ultra-realistic 3-dimensional rendering of Pandora and its inhabitants contributed to the film’s success,” he continued, referring to the movie’s US$2 billion box office collection worldwide.

“People are definitely warming up to the idea of watching their movies and TV series in 3D,” he said enthusiastically. “And now we’re pushing the boundry even more.

CAMERON: Revolutionising reality itself

“Rather than settle with viewing movies and TV programmes in 3D, we thought, why not expand the viewing pleasure of 3D to the real world, where most people spend their waking hours?”

Cameron explained that, upon wearing the Really-Real-Reality™ 3D glasses (R3D3™), priced at US$499 for the battery-powered model and US$759 for the rechargeable model, wearers would be able to enjoy both 3-dimensional vision and complete, digital surround sound, as they look at their real world surroundings.

“From trees, buildings, objects and even other living things around the wearer, he would be able to see them in complete and ultra real 3D, just like in Avatar, as if he could reach out and touch them,” said Cameron. “I personally tried it on during testing, I was blown away. I saw a real car zooming towards me when I was crossing the intersection, and seeing it in 3D, I instinctly avoided it, as if it was really going to hit me! I couldn’t believe that our technology could produce something like this, a simple device that brings the realness of my movie, to reality. These things are amazing!”

Cameron, however, cautioned that the first experience wearing the R3D3 glasses could be difficult for some people.

“As with any new device or technology that alters human perception and connection with reality, the R3D3 glasses may cause nausea for certain people, expecially those with a pre-existing travel-sickness condition. In some cases, the wearer may not experience the 3D perception in their real surrounding, but would only percieve 2D, or even 1D.

“However, tests have found that the unpleasant experience is only temporary. In a couple of days, customers with those difficuties would be able to enjoy their real surrounding in complete 3D. But nevertheless, we’ve set up a team of support staff and a Hotline email, www.R3D3experience.com,  to cater to these teething and adaptation issues,” said Cameron confidently.

“Get ready to really experience the real world!”

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Rain shamans battle it out at Malaysian Formula One GP

CHAOS REIGNS: Raincoulds hammering the Sepang Circuit

SEPANG — As teams, big and small fight for the crown and precious championship points at the Malaysian Formula One Grand Prix today, a smaller but more important battle is under way in the pit — a war amongst bomoh hujan, or rain shamans.

Other than multi-million dollar machines and systems, quick cars, hardworking support staff, tyre choices and ultra-competitive drivers, teams know how important it is to have weather on their side. While sunny and hot days are optimum for a quick laptime, the occasional rain also helps when situations warrant it, hence some team bosses who know better have included these weather-manipulating experts in their payroll.

“Oh yes, we’ve hired Pak Salim, from Kuala Selangor to help us with the rain,” said Datuk Seri Tony Fernandes, Lotus Racing team principal. “He’s quite well-known in the area for his prowess. My neighbour used him to avert rain during his daughter’s wedding last year, and even though the whole of Kuala Selangor was drenched in thrunderstorm, our housing area was dry as a bone. Amazing.”

New entry Lotus, whose cars aren’t as quick as the more established machines of Ferrari, McLaren, Red Bull, Mercedes and Renault, depend on outside factors such as wet weather to have a chance at securing any points this season. While consistently beating the other new teams such as rival Virgin Racing, Lotus cars, piloted by Heikki Kovalainen and Jarno Trulli, have not had the capability to give a serious challenge in the race.

“Well, it can only be expected, really. It’s our first year,” said Fernandes. “I’m completely happy to beat the other new teams, and am proud of my guys who have shown such great effort to come up with the machines in such a short time. But as you can see, a little rain can help too.”

Fernandes explained that while the other drivers struggle in the rain, his team has had ample time to get accustomed to driving on slippery, wet tarmac. So that is why the bomoh hujan is now part of the team strategy.

“We’re a Malaysian team-lah. We’ve gotten Jarno and Heiki to get used to our weather — hot one minute, pouring another. While sporadic showers here and there will drive the likes of Alonso and Hamilton crazy, my guys are lovin’ it. I’ve gotten Pak Salim to hold off the rainclouds at certain laps, and bring on the thunderstorm on some others, to fit our racing strategy. Heh, you’ll be seeing some funny Europeans spinning around today, while our Malaysia-Boleh machines cruising to the championship points through all the chaos,” said Fernandes, gleefully.

SLIPPERY SPANIARD: Ferrari's Fernando Alonso struggling in the rain at the Malaysian GP qualifying yesterday

Meanwhile, a check with the Mercedes team, which is sponsored by Petronas, revealed that they have also engaged in the services of a rain shaman.

“Yes, we’ve realised the importance of a bormoh hoojan,” said team principal Ross Brawn. “Micheal (Schumacher) had insisted that we engaged one, especially for the Malaysian GP. He told me that while he may be the rainmeister, it helps to only have rain when we need it, and not when we’re on full slicks (dry tyres).”

Brawn refused to reveal who their rain shaman was, but a source within the team said that it was Wak Karim Seman, from Taiping, who is a regular amongst wedding planners in Perak.

“Taiping, as you know, is the wettest part of Malaysia,” said the source, who didn’t want to be named. “So you know this guy knows what he’s doing, keeping rain away when people want to have their outdoor kenduri.”

The source also said that the team is well aware of Pak Salim and Lotus Racing’s plans to utilise his skills.

“We’re not alone. I hear a few other teams have also hired rain doctors and shamans to protect themselves against Pak Salim. Some brought all the way from South America. But as for us, we’re ready for his tricks. He may be big in Kuala Selangor, but this is not Kuala Selangor. Let’s see if his rainclouds will stand against the power of Wak Karim’s Baling Baju Atas Bumbung magic. We’ll see.”

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April fools demand better name

VICTIMS WITH DIGNITY: April prank victims (AUUSIRPJs) demand more respect

NEW YORK — As the world braces itself for heightened cases of pranks on April 1 today, victims of the said pranks have demanded that the term ‘April Fool’ be changed to something more dignified and non-insulting.

Stephanie Brooks, a lawyer representing the group of prank victims from all over the world, said that all this while, falling for pranks and being the butt of jokes would have been tolerable, if not for the disparaging term.

“We’re perfectly okay with being punk’d once in a while,” said Brooks, reading a written statement signed by representatives of the April Fool victims, numbering over 500 million every year. “However, the pain of becoming suckers is greatly exacerbated when you’re labelled as a ‘fool’.

“Therefore, the unified alliance of April prank victims hereby demand that the term ‘April Fool’ be replaced with ‘April Unwilling but Unfoolish and Still Intelligent Recepients of Practical Jokes’, or AUUSIRPJ, for short.

STANDING FIRM: Brooks at the Press conference

“This new term would acknowledge that while the victims were caught unaware and bamboozled by these practical jokes hatched by their family and friends, their falling victim does not in any way reflect their true intellect and wisdom. In fact, it reflects the fact that these good people have an advanced and developed sense of humour to be so sporting.”

Brooks said that efforts are being taken to get the name-change done in all institutions of authority in charge of the English language, and get leaders of the world’s nations to ratify the new term.

“We hope that by next year, all AUUSIRPJs would no longer be traumatised every time April 1 approaches. In fact, we believe they would wear that name with pride, knowing that it carries enviable levels of dignity, honour and respect.”

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Scientists say everything online is true

THE INTERNET: Confirmed as 100% factually correct

FRANKFURT — A group of scientists from various universities in Europe has announced today that everything ever written, posted or uploaded on the internet is one hundred per cent true.

Speaking at a Press conference, University of West Frankfurt head of research Professor Eli Lansing said that the group of 30 scientists, specialising in communications, criminology, psychology, new media technology, physics and several other mildly related disciplines, had completed their exhaustive 8-year study on the contents found on the world wide web last February.

“Frankly we were quite surprised at the results,” said Prof Lansing, as his colleagues nodded in agreement. “Initially when we were commissioned to delve into the extremely vast universe that is cyberspace to find out the level of truthfulness in its contents, our mutual hypothesis was that most of the stuff written online were utter lies, or at least true stories generously embellished with inaccuracies and exaggeration.

PROF LANSING: Advocates trusting the net completely

“But after concluding our study, comprising interviews with online participants, excruciatingly complex supercomputer algorithms and detailed counterchecks with the world’s historical records and libraries, we found that virtually — nay, absolutely – all facts contained on the internet are indeed, true,” said Prof Lansing, matter-of-factly.

“Collectively, we are now advocating accepting everything there is on the net to be undeniable facts,” he continued. “We implore everyone on the planet to abandon and disregard all offline information such as reference journals, encyclopaedias and other such fictitious records, and get your stories online, where no one lies.

“In fact, we won’t be publishing our results in the conventional scientific journals, which everyone knows contain numerous errors and illogical assumptions. We will only publish our findings purely online, specifically, on our newly registered blog, www.theinternetisthetruth.blogspot.com. We want to only tell the truth, and online’s the only way for people to know that we’re not being dishonest.

“We urge everyone to no longer waste any time and effort to check the validity of any hearsay, rumour or story that is found online, because if it is from the net, then it’s naturally the truth,” said Prof Lansing. “Why bother cross-checking with other sources or grow suspicious? When science has proven beyond any reasonable doubt that no one can lie online?

“So, the next time you get a spam mail saying that you’ve inherited 32 billion dollars from a dead banker’s widow in Zimbabwe, you’d better respond immediately or risk losing the money. Imagine your life changing for the better as a billionaire! Or the next time you get a preachy chain email saying that if you don’t forward it to ten people, you’d suffer great misfortune, you’d better hit that forward button quick. Wouldn’t want to die horribly or go bankrupt simply because you’re too suspicious of well-meaning emails. Nobody wants to hurt anyone online, it’s completely safe.

“In fact, we hereby declare the term ‘internet hoax’ non-existent, as the very term is a fallacy. There is no such thing as untrue online content.

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Nose4news editor Hassan Skodeng says sorry for sounding real

HASSAN SKODENG: "Sorry."

KUALA LUMPUR — The editor of Nose4News has apologised to TNB president and CEO, Dato’ Sri Che Khalib Mohd Noh, the staff and stakeholders of Tenaga Nasional Berhad (TNB), along with Nose4News readers and Malaysians in general for making his fake news sound too real.

In a statement read by his lawyer cum occasional punching bag, Leman Keding, Hassan said that he was sorry to have caused such ruckus, and that he didn’t mean to make anyone believe his extraordinarily stinky crap.

“I have been rather naughty, I have to admit,” said Hassan. “In coming up with this rotten piece of doo-doo, I had probably used too many realistic elements, and not concocting enough bullshit to keep the fake news sound fake-ish. Perhaps I should have referred to the TNB president and CEO by his actual alien name, Klathoxx-513, instead of the name he uses on Earth and one he is most known by.

“I formally apologise to Che Khalib, his staff and their family members for this irresponsible writing. TNB is a fine organisation, and every member of TNB works selflessly to keep the nation supplied with electricity.

“To all Malaysians, I also apologise for sounding like I was telling the truth. I wish to clarify that TNB is NOT suing the World Wildlife Foundation (WWF), or anyone, for that matter, for organising the Earth Hour. In fact, TNB fully supports the Earth Hour global project, and any effort to conserve energy.”

Hassan also implores all Nose4news readers to stop believing his lies, no matter how true they sound.

“Apparently all the warnings I placed all over Nose4News that everything on this site is pure fiction, true lies, pure horsecrap and has nothing to do with anybody alive, dead, undead and unalive, are not sufficient to keep everyone disbelieving my bullshit. For that, I am truly sorry.

“I also would like to take this opportunity to further clarify on my previous writings,” continued Hassan regretfully.

“Sabah and Sarawak will NOT be relocated to the peninsular at a cost of RM850 trillion. The world does not have that kind of money.

“Bill Gates did NOT patent the word ‘Fuck’, so everyone may continue using the term without fear of being billed by Microsoft.

“Ultraman did NOT kill an endangered giant crocodile. As far as I know, Ultraman has not killed any benevolent creature, by accident or on purpose. He is a responsible and caring gigantic superhero. Love him to bits.

“Malaysia did NOT enlist Voltron or any other giant robot to help tackle the economic crisis, and the country is also NOT planning to triple the Scenic Bridge.

“And lastly, Asia’s Biggest Loser champion David Gurnani has NOT lost all his weight. Mr Gurnani is still very much not weightless, even if he looks like he is.

“As you can see above, my lies sound very credible. It’s almost like I work at CNN or something. I’m such a bastard.”

Hassan promises to not sound too real in his future articles, and will include bolder and clearer warnings so that his fictional creations will no longer be believed by anyone with a reasonable amount of sensibility and even half-an-ounce of intelligence.

“Again, I’m sorry. I swear, on the name of my mother’s cousin’s uncle-twice-removed, the next time I write, I’ll make it obvious that I’m only bullshitting. And that, is the truth. Really.”

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