Category Archives: World News

Justin Bieber KL concert stopped halfway after his voice breaks

A GROWN UP NOW: Bieber performing minutes before his voice changed

Oh I can’t believe I have to do this: NOTE: his piece of ‘news’ is fake. A sick joke. Just like this WHOLE BLOGSITE. Please do NOT belieb– I mean, believe it as true. Thanks.

KUALA LUMPUR — The much anticipated and sold-out concert of uber teeny-bopper Youtube sensation Justin Bieber in Malaysia was unexpectedly cut short after the Canadian singer’s voice finally broke, and he became a man.

Bieber, 17, who was discovered on video-sharing site Youtube in 2008 is known for his high-pitched voice, which betrayed his true age. His songs receive extensive airplay and earning him extraordinary exposure, mostly due to his child-like voice.

“We’re very sorry, especially to all the ‘Beliebers’ out there, and particularly to those who attended the concert, that this had to happen,” said Ng Chong Wan, a representative of the concert organiser SkinnyGirlz Sdn Bhd. “The timing could have been better, of course but really, you can’t help it if mother nature decided to turn you from a little boy into a mature man while you’re on stage, performing in front of 15,000 screaming fans. I mean, this caught us off guard too.”

The blonde-haired heartthrob had gone through about 45 minutes of his two-hour scheduled performance when all of a sudden, in the middle of performing his hit single Somebody To Love, he began coughing lightly before choking for a bit, and continued singing in a deep, almost Darth Vader-like voice, much to the chagrin of the stunned audience. The music stopped as the crowd stood in silence, and Mr Bieber was quietly escorted backstage before organisers announced the end of the concert and ushered the audience out. Teenage girls were crying and wailing uncontrollably.

“It was horrible,” said Sarah Yen, 13, who came with her two sisters and mother to catch her idol. “At first I didn’t believe it, but when they told us that Justin was ‘sick’ and couldn’t continue the show, I felt like dying.

“He’s finally grown up! The moment that we’ve all been dreading all these while, arrived without mercy. Justin is now a man. A grown up! What do I do now?” she asked, in between teary sobs, hugging her visibly upset mother.

“It’s both historic and sad, I guess,” said Henry Yap, 21, who bought two tickets to the concert as a birthday present for his girlfriend. “I’m happy to see that the boy can finally act — and sound — his age, it’s something that all guys are supposed to go through, but I’m kind of sad to see his career as a child star cut short like this. Especially in front of so many people.”

Ng, meanwhile, refused to comment whether this voice cracking meant the end of Bieber’s amazing rise from a small-town Youtube star to an international megastar worth an estimated US$100 million.

“Look, we’re just the organisers, you’ll need to ask his label or his management about that. We’ve got enough to worry about — people are going to ask if we’re going to refund half the money, since Justin only performed half a concert. Understandably we’ll have to refer to our legal people. These are not exactly ordinary circumstances.

“Whatever it is, we’ll continue to support Justin Bieber’s career where ever this ‘new development’ takes him. Acting? We’ll promote him. Modelling? He’s still very cute, although not for long, considering that he’ll be growning more facial hair now that he’s a proper man.

“Even if he’ll have to appeal to a more mature market after this, we’ll be more than happy to bring him back to KL. Even tenors and baritones have fans in Malaysia.”

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Humans glad to be back to ramming Earth’s behind

LOOKING GOOD: Humanity's effort to fuck up the planet looks promising

ALL OVER THE PLANET– Almost a week has passed since the Earth Hour ended, and humans around the world breathed a sigh of relief as they were free to fuck the world’s environment once again.

“OMG, I’m glad that hour’s over,” said Michael Johnson, 47, a vice president of an manufacturing firm based in the US. “It was such a pain in the ass refraining from doing anything destructive and selfish during that stupid hour. But now that we’re all back to normal, I’m happy to be spending energy needlessly, throwing away household waste indiscriminately and generally being a prick with the planet,” he continued, while adding that his chemical and manufacturing plants will be stepping up its factory operations in Asia and Africa despite slow demand for their products, simply to spend as much energy as possible and release as much pollutants into the air and water as they can.

Kim Jong Moon, 56, a businessman in South Korea shared the same sentiment. “I know we were only supposed to observe Earth Hour by turning off non-essential lights and also unplug unnecessary electrical items, but my friends and I decided to go a little further by cutting our water and gas usage for the entire hour, you know, to make a bigger impact for our beloved planet.

“But now that the hour’s over, we can all go back to fucking the planet in its behind without guilt,” he continued, as he switched on all the available lights, electrical equipments, the engines of his gas-guzzling hot rods and pushed his apartment heater to max temperature.

Earth Hour was celebrated on March 26 between 8.30pm to 9.30pm as a symbol of energy conservation, as part of a global movement to save the planet from destruction caused by the overconsumerism of its resources. Participants observing the event, from individuals to corporations and governments, switched off non-essential lights and equipment for the hour.

“Seriously, it was like abstaining on your wedding night,” Kim continued, straining his voice trying to speak over the sound of all the faucets in the apartment turned on at full blast. “It was a real bitch trying to make Earth happy, we had to sacrifice so much to make  Earth Hour work. Fortunately this stupid thing’s only an hour a year. I’d be going nuts if some smartass decides to turn it into Earth Day, Earth Week or whatever. Fuck that.

“In fact, the guys and I are heading up to the park later to make a giant bonfire just to make up for whatever positive impact the hour had achieved. We’re burning wood and whatever garbage we find around there. I personally hope to find some old tyres — they make the blackest smoke,” he said, giggling. “And all my facebook friends around the world are doing the same. It’s heartwarming to see a global movement to finish off the planet in a concerted effort.”

Another human in Germany, who wanted to be known only as Sarah K, 34, said that it was every human’s civic duty to be themselves and help Earth continue the downward spiral towards imminent doom. “During Earth Hour, I personally stopped burning shit into the air, you know? I even refrained from buying some illegally poached elephant tusk-ornament for my living room. It was just painful to see it online but not buy it.

“But now that that nonsense hour has passed, I advocate my fellow humans around the world, all 7 billion of us, to go back to being the selfish assholes we’ve been the rest of the year. Spend energy and all the resources like they aint’ never gonna deplete — after all, Earth is a big-ass planet. There’s more than enough to go around. In fact, I’m getting the tusk AND an endangered tiger penis. I hear it’s good for health. Checkout counter girl asks me ‘Paper or plastic’ at the supermarket? Give me paper AND plastic! And triple-bag it, biotch!

“Hell, nobody lives forever, man,” she continued as she poured spent cooking oil down the sink. “So the world will be a mass heap of crap in two or three decades? That’s the next generation’s problem.

“My kids have been having an easy life anyway, spoilt by the Xbox, Wii and other crap. Might as well give them a bit of challenge.”

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Assholes form association

KUALA LUMPUR — Assholes around the nation now have a place to call home as a group of die-hard assholes successfully registered ANUS, or Assholes National United Society, with the Registrar of Societies today.

“It is truly an historic day for assholes, no matter where,” said Mr Karim Karman, also known as Hensemboy, the group’s spokesperson and co-founding member, in a Press conference attended by representatives from asshole communities throughout Malaysia. “For too long, assholes have been unfairly discriminated against, simply because we’re inconsiderate bastards who only care about ourselves. For far too long, assholes have been the subject of countless jeers and insults, a wholly unfair treatment set upon us, based only on the fact that we’re socially retarded and unable to think about the feelings of other people. Well, today the discrimination stops!

“Do you think it’s fair that we’re treated so badly by the goodie-too-shoes of society simply for our bad treatment of others?” asked Karim, as the rowdy and utterly rude crowd responded with a resounding ‘No, asshole!’. “Is it right to treat us assholes like crap just because we think we’re God’s gift to humanity and the others are scumbags unworthy of attention?

“And is it just to disrespect us, just because we disrespect everyone else?” asked the sales manager known to his colleagues as an overconfident prick, as the audience of more than 100 assholes gave a standing ovation.

“Now, there is a body to champion our rights,” said Karim. “ANUS will make sure that each one of us can behave like complete assholes anywhere and anytime, without the need to apologise. We can be rude, disgusting, disrespectful, crass, self-absorbed, high-handed, big-headed and filled with hot air — all with pride.”

Another ANUS founding member, Jessica Lim, added that the association was not only created to protect the right of assholes, but also to provide support for its members.

“It’s not easy being an asshole,” said Lim, who runs a beauty salon in PJ. “You don’t make or keep many friends when you tell it as it is. When a customer comes into my shop and she’s too ugly for me to fix, I tell her and she gets angry. How like that?

“Even my family is like that. So blardy sensitive. My sister stopped talking to me when I told her her husband is an asshole. I mean, I would take it as a compliment, coming from another asshole. But no, she gets all upset, screaming and kicking, calling me names. It really hurt, coming from your own family.

“So it gets a little bit lonely sometimes, with everybody staying away. It sucks. So now, we assholes can find company in each other within this ass-ociation!” said Lim snickering, unable to hide her assholic glee at the pun.

Karim said that while the registration with the ROI had him listed as pro-tem president and the exco made up of the forming committee, the first thing he would do would be to hold an exco election.

“It’s not a very assholic thing to do, I admit,” he said, matter-of-factly. “The correct way, if I want to be a complete asshole about it, is to not only hold on to this position, but to consolodate my powers like a power-crazy bastard, abuse all democratic processes just to line my own pocket, and overstay my welcome for as long as I can. But this association is more important than my own assholic interests. I can’t let my pride and selfishness kill the group before it even began, now, can I?”

Lim added that unlike many other associations, parties and organisations, ANUS is probably the most equal-opportunity entity to have been created.

“Think about it. We’re not based on colour, sex, age, nationality, political inclination or whatever. You just have to be an asshole to be eligible for membership,” she said. “And the great thing about assholes is this: everybody’s got one.”

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Worms reject proverb on early bird

OXFORD — Representatives of worms worldwide have submitted a memorandom to the English Language Centre at Oxford University today, demanding a ‘long-overdue” retraction of the popular old saying, ‘The early bird catches the worm’.

WORMS: Demand better representation in proverb

Reading from a 52-page statement outlining the worm community’s protest, lawyer Michael Uckers said that the proverb, first recorded in John Ray’s A collection of English proverbs in 1678, is a “gross discriminatory expression against the worm species”.

“The worm communities and subspecies around the globe fully reject this insensitive proverb, obviously coined by some ignorant scoleciphobic (those with fear of worms) back in the 17th century,” said Uckers at a Press conference held on university grounds.

“The proverb is an unfair representation of the worm-bird symbiotic relationship, and only serves to advocate hostility between the two species. The worms protest the apparent clarion call for birds to ‘get up early’ and mercilessly hunt for worms, who are basically peace-loving creatures trying to make a living.

“Worms generally, other than the parasitic types found in human and animal guts and fruits, are non-violent invertebrates who don’t bother anyone. For example, the earthworms live underground, mind their own business and in fact, help to make the soil fertile for plants and crops. So the worm community, from earthworms to seaworms, demand that the saying is removed from the English proverb libraries, or at least is modified to present a fairer view of worms.

“What more considering how worms play a big part in preserving the delicate balance of the ecosystem.”

Uckers continued his argument that while the proverb’s purpose was well-intentioned, which was telling humans to get up early to sieze every opportunity during the day, the positive message was only relevant if the reader identified themselves with the bird.

VICTIMISED: The proverb promotes violence against worms

“Sure, the early bird catches the worm. Good for the early bird. But what about the early worm? It doesn’t make much sense to get up early now, does it?” asked Uckers. “This proverb basically says, if you’re a worm, it’s suicide to get out early in the morning. We believe the saying is the main reason for the apparent lack of drive and the decline of hardworking spirit in the young worms nowadays. As everyone knows, worm teens are sleeping in longer, and are adverse to toiling in the garden. In fact, they prefer to spend their whole day indoors in the burrows, wasting their waking hours on X-box, Wii and Facebook games.

“The proverb is the very core reason to the decay of morals and values in the worm community. So before the effects become irreversible, the problem must be arrested.”

Uckers said that the linguists in the worm community have proposed several alternatives which would be fairer to both bird and worm.

“For example, ‘The early bird and worm get their food’. There’s no hostile element in that line, which basically advocates the same positive value. No worms are presented as victims, and no birds are told to take the violent route to line their stomachs. Everybody wins.”

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Shah Alam school keen on signing Rooney

ROONEY: Reportedly in talks with Cikgu Johan

SEKSYEN 19, SHAH ALAM — A primary school in Shah Alam, Selangor has expressed interest in signing Manchester United star Wayne Rooney for their 2011 inter-school football campaign. Announcing the grand intention at a Press Conference today, Sekolah Rendah Agama (Integrasi) Seksyen 19 football coach cum Guru Sukan (Evening Session) Cikgu Johan Johari, 32, said that the school is currently negotiating with the English player’s agents to bring him in before the new school session begins in January.

“We have actually been considering signing Mr Rooney since the middle of last year,” said Cikgu Johan. “But there was always some sort of issue that cropped up, like lack of funding and immigration issues. Plus, at the time, Mr Rooney wasn’t really interested in leaving MU. Now that he’s announced his departure from the Red Devils, he’s certainly welcomed here in Skuad Harimau Kecil,” added Cikgu Johan, referring to the school team’s nickname.

Cikgu Johan said that the £20 million Premier League striker would be a natural addition to the team. “We welcome him with open arms, despite all the personal issues that have plagued him recently. For us at the school, we believe in second chances, and we look at him as a footballer first, and celebrity second. We think his playing style fits our team best, where attack forms the backbone of our strategy, coupled with a strong defence and flexible middle players.

“He’s quite talented,” said Cikgu Johan, matter-of-factly. “Almost as good as I was when I was younger back in college, I might add.

SRA(I) SEKSYEN 19: May be future home for Rooney

“So he’ll fit in quite effortlessly in our team. We’ve had a vacancy in our striker position after our previous attacker Kamil Yaakob graduated Year 6 and took his talent to MCKK last year, so his timing to leave MU is perfect.”

“Mr Rooney would find himself really at home here in Seksyen 19,” he added warmly. “The people here are really friendly, houses are quite cheap and good food is aplenty. For example, my house up in Jalan Landak is just a short walking distance to where the Nasi Lemak Ayam Rempah stall is.. And there are two 7-Elevens in the vicinity, not to mention clinics, polyclinics and 24-hour mamak shops. It’s paradise. In fact, I believe his home maker wife Colleen would find Shah Alam a very condusive place to start a family, what with caring neighbours and a close-knit community.”

Cikgu Johan said that the school was prepared to pay the multi-million ringgit cost to get hold of the football star, currently spokesperson for a multitude of international brands and reportedly earns more than £100,000 a week in wages and sponsorship deals.

“We had anticipated the cost, really. We are quite prepared to spend the necessary amount to get talent. We have quite a healthy bank account, thanks to our many activities the past couple of years, like Open Day, Hari Bendera and the PIBG Charity Dinner,” said Cikgu Johan confidently.

The teacher however said that if Rooney decides to come over, it would not be a walk in the park for the star.

“Look, we want to pay him money to help us win games and the championship,” said Cikgu Johan. “It’s not going to be a holiday. We train very hard, three times a week in the evenings, so he would have to step it up. He may be a star but here, Mr Rooney would have to prove to me and his team mates his worth.

“I’ll start him in easy games first, to expose him slowly to the high standards here. If he shows that he can be as good as my boys, he can slowly he can climb his way up and start in important games, like the one with Sekolah Menengah Seapark in July. If he shows me that he can really play, I’ll include him in our championship matches later in the year.

“But opportunities don’t come easily. If he’s worthy, he can go far.”

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The Devil denies wearing Prada

DEPTHS OF HELL — The Devil today issued an official denial that he wears any item made by luxury brand, Prada, as implied in the book “The Devil Wears Prada” and movie of the same name.

In a strongly-worded denial made at a Press conference, the Prince of Doom said that he was disturbed that the writers of the fictional story misrepresented him, hurting his already somewhat negative public image.

THE DEVIL: Sensible fashion sense

“I’ll have everyone know that I’m a pretty sensible and practical guy,” said the Lord of Darkness, referring to his fashion sense and shopping principles. “Where do I go to get my clothes? Not high street, for sure. Prada, Gucci and all that are a tad too flashy for me. I’m a Reject Shop and FOS kind of fellow. The max I’d go for would be Marks & Spencer, and I keep that kind of frivilous spending to a minimum of once every couple of months.

“You can check my wardrobe if you want.”

The Devil, who goes by many different names including Lucifer, El Diablo, Satan, Beelzebub, Iblis, Mammon and Suzanne, said that he was dismayed at the lack of respect for his image painstakingly built since he fell from God’s grace.

“I consider myself a pretty consistent fella,” he said. “I may be evil, damned and all, but one thing I’ve never been is flashy and frivilous. I’ve always had this understated style which I began developing a long time ago.

“Besides, being damned and falling from grace don’t get you up high in the priority list when considering budgets. The good guys always get the biggest cut of the pie, and folks like me have to make do with what little leftover pittance we get from HQ. So I can’t exactly afford paying four figures just for a shirt.”

The Devil also added that being in hell affects his choices when it comes to attires.

“Look, I work in a less-than-hospitable environment,” he said, in reference to the fire and brimstone-laden pits filled with decaying souls of the damned. “So for me, it’s not so important to have bling-blings and snazzy designs as opposed to having good heat resistant materials wrapping my body. The ‘breathable fabric developed by Nike last year was pretty good, but it went up in flames the moment I stepped out of my door to get to work.

“That was an embarrassing moment, being naked and all.”

Asked why he didn’t bring this up earlier, when the book was released or the movie, starring Anne Hathaway and Meryl Streep, was released in 2004, the Devil responded that he didn’t mind, until he saw someone’s Facebook update saying that “if the Devil wears Prada, then I wanna be in Hell too!”.

“That was it for me,” said Lucifer, sadly. “I didn’t mind some humans having fun with my name and using some creative license in their fictional work. But when people start believing that life’s all good in Hell, that it’s just a big party with everyone in branded clothes, I had to say ‘Enough!’ It’s a gross misrepresentation of reality, and I take great offence in it!” he said, pounding his flaming fist against a brimstone wall.

“But don’t get me wrong,” he added. “I loved Meryl Streep in the movie, and if I were to appear in a female human form, she’d be a great role model.

“I just don’t agree with her fashion sense.”

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Woman first human to be OPEC member

JONES: Thrilled to be part of this exclusive club

ONTARIO — For Andrea Jones, 35, her oily face had always been a problem. Ever since she hit puberty at ten, she’s always been the butt of jokes and taunts from family members, friends and colleagues. Now however, her overactive oil glands are proving to be a blessing as she received news that she has been accepted in the prestigious Organisation of Petroleum Exporting Countries (OPEC). The 12-member coalition, whose membership includes Angola, Iran, Kuwait, United Arab Emirates, Venezuela and Saudi Arabia, sent their offer to join to Miss Jones this week after carefully studying her oil-producing capabilities.

“Oh my god, this is an absolute dream come true,” shrieked Jones when contacted. “I’ve been trying to get rid of this oil on my face, with numerous types of mattifying moisturisers, oil blotters, medicated wet wipes and lotions, all to no avail. I clean my face in the morning and by lunchtime, I was dripping with oil. It has been such a pain!

“But now, look at me. I’m standing shoulder-to-shoulder with Qatar, yo!” she beamed, her face reflecting the ceiling light and partially blinding those present.

Showing the offer letter signed by OPEC secretary general, His Excellency Abdalla Salem El-Badri, Jones said that she was initially skeptical that a regular person like her could join such an esteemed global body.

“I mean, I thought, who am I to be compared to countries like Venezuela, who produces 2 million barrels of crude oil per day? I was barely pushing a pint per day. I didn’t think I was worthy of the honour,” admitted Jones. “But since the OPEC members have, as Mr El-Badri put it, ‘unanimously agreed’, I couldn’t say no.”

Jones says that instead of avoiding oily food as she had been trying to do the last few years, she will now eat only greasy fares.

“The oilier, the better!” she exclaimed. “Now, I typically start my day with a bucket of golden brown deep fried chicken, dipped in saturated fat, for breakfast. For lunch and dinner, I alternate between fried fish and beef jerky, all dripping grease. Yum-my! As for snacks, I now only take palm oil kernel, dipped in salsa, you know, to keep my body balanced.

“OPEC was pretty clear with me about the rules,” said the single clerk. “I have to keep my oil production up, or else they’ll revoke my membership. I completely understand, they have to keep the global balance of power in their favour, and I have to play my part.”

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Scientists confirm prawns sexier than squids

WOLFVILLE, NOVA SCOTIA  — Scientists here believe they have resolved the long-running debate regarding who was sexier, the shrimp or the squid.

In a statement read by the head of Oceanology Department, University of Nova Scotia, Prof Herbert Langston, the group of scientists have unanimously agreed that prawns, or Litopenaeus vannamei, are “way cooler and sexier” than squids, or Sepioteuthis lessoniana.

SHELLS OVER TENTACLES: Sbalikbatu says prawns will hold global party

“After extensive and laborious research and statistical analysis, ratified by five independent auditors, we can conclusively deduct that prawns ooze much more sex appeal than squids, whether they’re giants or tiny regular ones,” said Prof Langston at the Press conference announcing the findings. “The notion that squids oozes sex appeal at all is now a fallacy. We found that the only thing they ooze is ink.”

The research, which took 2 years to complete in the cold waters off Eastern Canada, costing approximately 4.5 million Canadian dollars, was initiated to put an end to the often violent debate between the two camps. The bitter row has, in the last 50 years alone, engulfed many communities around the region and costed the lives of countless innocent prawns and squids. The scientists applied numerous techniques of research to come to the conclusion, including focus groups involving other marine species, online surveys and DNA laboratory studies.

“We are thankful that, during the process of the research, there were no untoward incidents or any attempts by either side to influence the outcome,” added Prof Langston. “Both species and their supporters have the same ideal in mind — which is to seek peace and closure to the tragic conflict. It is hoped that this finding will put to rest the argument over which species was more sexy. The prawn is indeed, da bomb.”

A representative of the prawns, when interviewed at the colony, expressed his extreme happiness at the result.

“We have truly been vindicated!” said Mr Udanga Sbalikbatu, excitedly. “What we have believed for eons, engrained in our culture and taught for generations, have been proven scientifically true. Take that up your shell-less ass, squids! Finally, our race, from common prawns to lobsters, can hold our heads up high in pride of our sexiness.

“At least we have heads!” said Sbalikbatu, laughing, in reference to their notion that squids don’t really have proper heads.

“We plan to hold global rallies to celebrate this momentuous day and our uber-sexuality, with squid-effigy burning ceremonies and wild sex parties all over. To my prawn brothers, keep your shells shiny and your eyes on the @Prawnsexy twitter account and my facebook for updates. 

“Squids not invited, haha!”

Meanwhile, the mood at the squid headquarters was a sombre one. Head of the squid camp Henrietta Calamari said that the species will be challenging the result of the University of Nova Scotia research.

"WE'RE SEXIER": Calamari says the squids will take matter to The Hague

“You bet your filthy crustacean ass we’ll fight this!” said Calamari angrily, tentacles swishing violently and big eyes red from fury. “We’ve got grace, we move nymph-like and glow throughout the ocean’s depths. What’s not sexy about that?

“And what do prawns have? Just stupid shells, spindly bug-like legs and antennae too long for their own good. They’re freaks!” huffed the cephalopod, squirting ink to express her disgust. “While we squids — all 300 subspecies of us — dance in the water beautifully, mucus-covered bodies glistening in the night light, those crab-wannabes trudge awkwardly across the ocean floor, and dare to call that swimming! What the hell is so sexy about that? It’s preposterous!

“You know what they call the land and air version of prawns? Insects! They sure as hell are far from alluring!”

Calamari said that the squid society’s legal team will be taking the case to The Hague for arbitration to settle the issue once and for all.

“How do we know the research was fair and objective? For all you know the prawns might have gone under the table, influencing the scientists to tilt the results in their favour. Because honestly, saying that prawns are sexier than this bod, simply doesn’t make sense,” said Calamari, shaking her finned conical butt (or head, depending on current orientation). “Heck even that one bone in my body has more sex appeal than all the prawns, lobsters and crabs put together.

“We’ll see what an international court has to say about this travesty of justice,” said Calamari, before she jet away in a puff of black ink.

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James Cameron to produce 3D glasses for real world

HOLLYWOOD — After the immense success of his groundbreaking 3D sci-fi film Avatar, director James Cameron is currently working with cinematic 3D technology developer Dolby3D to bring that technology into the real world, to enable regular people to enjoy their real life surroundings in complete stereoscopic 3D, complete with 360-degree Dolby Surround Sound™.

Avatar was both an epic story and a technological leap,” said Cameron at the event announcing the collaboration. “While fans watched it for the story, I don’t have any doubt that the amazing and ultra-realistic 3-dimensional rendering of Pandora and its inhabitants contributed to the film’s success,” he continued, referring to the movie’s US$2 billion box office collection worldwide.

“People are definitely warming up to the idea of watching their movies and TV series in 3D,” he said enthusiastically. “And now we’re pushing the boundry even more.

CAMERON: Revolutionising reality itself

“Rather than settle with viewing movies and TV programmes in 3D, we thought, why not expand the viewing pleasure of 3D to the real world, where most people spend their waking hours?”

Cameron explained that, upon wearing the Really-Real-Reality™ 3D glasses (R3D3™), priced at US$499 for the battery-powered model and US$759 for the rechargeable model, wearers would be able to enjoy both 3-dimensional vision and complete, digital surround sound, as they look at their real world surroundings.

“From trees, buildings, objects and even other living things around the wearer, he would be able to see them in complete and ultra real 3D, just like in Avatar, as if he could reach out and touch them,” said Cameron. “I personally tried it on during testing, I was blown away. I saw a real car zooming towards me when I was crossing the intersection, and seeing it in 3D, I instinctly avoided it, as if it was really going to hit me! I couldn’t believe that our technology could produce something like this, a simple device that brings the realness of my movie, to reality. These things are amazing!”

Cameron, however, cautioned that the first experience wearing the R3D3 glasses could be difficult for some people.

“As with any new device or technology that alters human perception and connection with reality, the R3D3 glasses may cause nausea for certain people, expecially those with a pre-existing travel-sickness condition. In some cases, the wearer may not experience the 3D perception in their real surrounding, but would only percieve 2D, or even 1D.

“However, tests have found that the unpleasant experience is only temporary. In a couple of days, customers with those difficuties would be able to enjoy their real surrounding in complete 3D. But nevertheless, we’ve set up a team of support staff and a Hotline email, www.R3D3experience.com,  to cater to these teething and adaptation issues,” said Cameron confidently.

“Get ready to really experience the real world!”

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Rain shamans battle it out at Malaysian Formula One GP

CHAOS REIGNS: Raincoulds hammering the Sepang Circuit

SEPANG — As teams, big and small fight for the crown and precious championship points at the Malaysian Formula One Grand Prix today, a smaller but more important battle is under way in the pit — a war amongst bomoh hujan, or rain shamans.

Other than multi-million dollar machines and systems, quick cars, hardworking support staff, tyre choices and ultra-competitive drivers, teams know how important it is to have weather on their side. While sunny and hot days are optimum for a quick laptime, the occasional rain also helps when situations warrant it, hence some team bosses who know better have included these weather-manipulating experts in their payroll.

“Oh yes, we’ve hired Pak Salim, from Kuala Selangor to help us with the rain,” said Datuk Seri Tony Fernandes, Lotus Racing team principal. “He’s quite well-known in the area for his prowess. My neighbour used him to avert rain during his daughter’s wedding last year, and even though the whole of Kuala Selangor was drenched in thrunderstorm, our housing area was dry as a bone. Amazing.”

New entry Lotus, whose cars aren’t as quick as the more established machines of Ferrari, McLaren, Red Bull, Mercedes and Renault, depend on outside factors such as wet weather to have a chance at securing any points this season. While consistently beating the other new teams such as rival Virgin Racing, Lotus cars, piloted by Heikki Kovalainen and Jarno Trulli, have not had the capability to give a serious challenge in the race.

“Well, it can only be expected, really. It’s our first year,” said Fernandes. “I’m completely happy to beat the other new teams, and am proud of my guys who have shown such great effort to come up with the machines in such a short time. But as you can see, a little rain can help too.”

Fernandes explained that while the other drivers struggle in the rain, his team has had ample time to get accustomed to driving on slippery, wet tarmac. So that is why the bomoh hujan is now part of the team strategy.

“We’re a Malaysian team-lah. We’ve gotten Jarno and Heiki to get used to our weather — hot one minute, pouring another. While sporadic showers here and there will drive the likes of Alonso and Hamilton crazy, my guys are lovin’ it. I’ve gotten Pak Salim to hold off the rainclouds at certain laps, and bring on the thunderstorm on some others, to fit our racing strategy. Heh, you’ll be seeing some funny Europeans spinning around today, while our Malaysia-Boleh machines cruising to the championship points through all the chaos,” said Fernandes, gleefully.

SLIPPERY SPANIARD: Ferrari's Fernando Alonso struggling in the rain at the Malaysian GP qualifying yesterday

Meanwhile, a check with the Mercedes team, which is sponsored by Petronas, revealed that they have also engaged in the services of a rain shaman.

“Yes, we’ve realised the importance of a bormoh hoojan,” said team principal Ross Brawn. “Micheal (Schumacher) had insisted that we engaged one, especially for the Malaysian GP. He told me that while he may be the rainmeister, it helps to only have rain when we need it, and not when we’re on full slicks (dry tyres).”

Brawn refused to reveal who their rain shaman was, but a source within the team said that it was Wak Karim Seman, from Taiping, who is a regular amongst wedding planners in Perak.

“Taiping, as you know, is the wettest part of Malaysia,” said the source, who didn’t want to be named. “So you know this guy knows what he’s doing, keeping rain away when people want to have their outdoor kenduri.”

The source also said that the team is well aware of Pak Salim and Lotus Racing’s plans to utilise his skills.

“We’re not alone. I hear a few other teams have also hired rain doctors and shamans to protect themselves against Pak Salim. Some brought all the way from South America. But as for us, we’re ready for his tricks. He may be big in Kuala Selangor, but this is not Kuala Selangor. Let’s see if his rainclouds will stand against the power of Wak Karim’s Baling Baju Atas Bumbung magic. We’ll see.”

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