Category Archives: World News

Obama excited to begin moonlighting as Indonesian president next week

WORK HARDER: Obama is quite certain he'll be able to split his time being presidents of both countries

WORK HARDER: Obama is quite certain he’ll be able to split his time being presidents of both countries

WASHINGTON, DC — US President Barack Obama today expressed his excitement to officially begin his second job as the President of the Republic of Indonesia on October 20th, after months successfully campaigning across the Southeast Asian country using the more localised pseudonym of ‘Joko Widodo’, and keeping it secret from his family.

Accompanied by his wife and speaking from the White House lawn to reporters this morning, President Obama said that he was really glad to be finally able to come clean about his additional occupation, and said he ‘feels no shame about holding two jobs’ to supplement his income.

“A lot of people do part-time jobs or even hold two jobs to support their families, so I don’t see why I can’t do the same,” said the Commander-in-Chief. “Times are getting harder for everyone, what with rising cost of living and staggering inflation these days, a typical wage-earner like myself cannot just depend on income from one source. One salary just ain’t enough, it’s just reality of living in an urban area.

SUPPORTIVE: The President and the First Lady during the announcement

SUPPORTIVE: The President and the First Lady during the announcement

“A recent survey has found that Washington, DC is THE most expensive city to live in. Not just in America, mind you, but the most expensive in the world. And I’ve got two growing up kids. A big house to pay for every month, with its own staff to maintain. A few cars with drivers and security detail, and not to mention a plane, plus a couple of helicopters. For a government servant like me, it can be pretty tough,” he added, as First Lady Michelle put her hand on his shoulder.

Obama’s second job will see him succeeding Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono after defeating Prabowo Subianto at the polls in a tight race, receiving 53% of the votes.

“Campaigning across Indonesia was quite a challenge,” recalled Obama, who in fact spent a few years during childhood growing up in Indonesia. “I had to dig deep into my childhood memories running around my auntie’s place in east Jakarta. All those great times picking mangosteens, jumping into streams, fishing. Fortunately I still remember some Bahasa phrases like ‘Aku Cinta Kamu’ and ‘Trima Kasih.’ I had to connect with the voters; be one of them. I had to sneak out of meetings to make video calls, record speeches. I had to fake business trips to that region so that no one could smell what I was doing. And I had to do this while not getting recognised by my team — and my wife!” adding that traditional headgears and batik, as well as a different hairdo and makeup definitely helped.

The president said that despite the demands of the jobs, he believes he would be able to split his time between the two nations.

“Both government systems are pretty well-oiled, so I don’t see any problem presiding over both administrations,” he said confidently. “In fact, I’m an advocate for flexible working arrangements, and I’ve invested quite heavily in getting myself wired in. The Oval Office is really just a symbol of my US presidency, but the fact of the matter is, with mobile technology, social media tools and cloud computing, I can work from virtually anywhere. Hey there, Big J!” said Obama as he demonstrated Skyping with his future (Indonesian) vice-president Jusuf Kalla all the way in Jakarta.

CLOSE RACE: Obama during the presidential debate with Prabowo Subianto

CLOSE RACE: Obama during the presidential debate with Prabowo Subianto

“The really good thing about being the leader of these two nations is that they’re on opposite sides of the world,” said Obama. “So I can focus on one country while the other goes to sleep. Pretty convenient, really, there’s little chance of me being confused about which government I’m representing at any one time.

“I’d hate to be in an awkward situation where I’m meeting, say, President Putin, and start talking about sustained development in Jawa Tengah when I should be reprimanding him about Russia’s escalating military presence in Ukraine!” he said in jest, much to the delight of those present.

The president assured the public in both nations that he would be very careful in utilising the resources given to him as head of government.

“I’m very clear with my people that Air Force One is only used when I’m wearing my US President hat. That goes with The Beast too. Once I clock in the Indonesian office, I’ll only use Jakarta-issued facilities and even staff. I’m all about transparency and accountability.”

Michelle Obama added that while she was initially surprised by her husband’s decision to take on the second job, she’s fully supportive and would ensure he gets all the help he can from the rest of the family.

“I know he’s doing it for me and the kids. He’s not the type who takes on more things unless he really believes it’d be good for the family,” she said. “We’ve worked out some tight time management with everyone, so that we can spend as much quality time together as possible. I’m not too concerned. I mean, I’m more than capable to doing some of the errands he usually does like picking up the kids from soccer practice and all. Plus, he’s always got his iPad on him, so he’ll always be on top of things at work. No biggie.

“Besides, we’ve always needed a reason to go travel together to that part of the world, we never found the right time. Now the girls and I can always chill out in Bali or shop for batik in Bandung any time!”

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Apple launches iMan to complement iPhone 6 & Apple Watch

Cupertino, CA — After launching iPhone 6, iPhone 6 Plus and the Apple Watch on Tuesday, Apple Inc. today launched iMan, a revolutionary new product especially designed for discerning women looking for smart men.

DREAM MAN: Tim Cook displaying Apple's latest offerings, the iMan, iPhone 6 and the Apple Watch

DREAM MAN: Tim Cook displaying Apple’s latest offerings, the iMan, iPhone 6 and the Apple Watch

The iMan, due to be shipped starting November, are healthy, smart, charismatic, athletic and completely dreamy men whose primary goal in life is to please their ladies.

“It helps that the iMan models are also good-looking,” said Apple CEO Tim Cook at the launch, much to the delight of the mostly female audience. “Just like any other Apple product, we’ve made sure that the iMan is something you’d be proud parading around and displaying while you sip your lattes.”

The first-generation smart man joins the barrage of hyper-innovative smart phones, smart tablets and smart wearables that analysts say would not only satiate the hunger of Apple fans around the world who have been waiting for ‘the next big thing’, but also serve to boost the company’s performance after losing ground to rivals Samsung and new entries from China.

Pinching the pecs of one iMan on stage to display the absurdly handsome features of the shiny product, Cook said that each iMan was designed to the strict specifications of what women look for in the idea of a ‘perfect man’.

“Of course, what each woman want in men might be different, so we approached the iMan design with a mixture of top-of-the-line core features, plus unparalleled customisation.

“The iMan comes in the standard peak age-range of 25- to 40-years old, but you can have your iMan in white, black, beige, pale, brown or anything in between. You can pretty much custom-order your iMan to be of any ethnicity and skin colour. Heck, you can even order your smart-man to resemble almost any handsome celebrity — we’ve got a template of over 1,500 hot men from around the world,” said Cook, adding jokingly that he may be on the list too.

Other than being super smart, considerate and good natured as being standard, the iMan comes in three variants, the iMan ‘e’, ‘b’ and ‘m’.

“The ‘e’ stands for ‘emo’,” said Cook. “This variant has high sensitivity and emotional intelligence quotient, so expect this iMan to understand your every feeling. We designed this model for women who seek an emotional equal. You can chat about virtually anything all night long and he won’t turn into a zombie like most regular guys do.

“The ‘b’ model is all about brains. Some women are stimulated by highly intelligent men, so this variant, while still being completely wonderful as a life partner, will thrill you with his genius mind. However, to avoid this iMan to turn into a total geek or smart aleck that might turn you off, you can adjust the iMan b’s intelligence setting, between ‘Top Student’ to ‘Stephen Hawking’.

“The ‘m’ model in the meantime, focuses on machismo,” Cook added, flexing his own arm muscles. “This iMan is all about brawn and strength, yet still retaining the sensitivity of your dream man.

“Think of it as your personal Hercules in touch with his feminine side.”

Cook said that the iMan, with prices starting at US$499, comes with 20 hours of battery life, depending on usage. “We’re working to extend the active time of each iMan of course, but if you think about it, the iMan is still better than a regular man who typically needs 8 hours of sleep every day. It’s an ongoing innovation process.

“Additionally, we’re working to add more features to future models, such as the ability to make money and be nice to in-laws. So while currently you’d have to pay for his meals and sustain his lifestyle, iMan 2 will be completely self-reliant, and may even support your household income.”

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Scientists: Mysterious large hole in Siberia is Earth’s bunghole

RUSSIAN FEDERATION: A group of scientists have found that the mysterious black hole which appeared suddenly near Yamal, in the northern region of Siberia, was actually the planet’s fart-tunnel.

GAS ALERT: Scientists have confirmed that mysterious hole is Earth's bum cavity

GAS ALERT: Scientists have confirmed that mysterious hole is Earth’s bum cavity

According to Professor Dr Dmitri Igunov, head researcher at the University of Tobolsk’s geology department, the 260-foot hole, discovered recently by a cameraman on board a helicopter which passed over the formation, was a natural phenomenon that served as Earth’s avenue to excrete waste and excess gas.

“I’ve often said that Earth, as a living planet, is very similar to any other living organism,” said Dr Igunov, looking over his team of 8 geologists surveying the site. “And just like any animal, the planet also has to have a bunghole to enable her to pass gas and other waste products.”

Dr Igunov explained that the crater-like black hole was the ‘end of an intricate system of planetary intestines’.

“I would call it a ‘cavity’ instead of a cave, and this is one hole you wouldn’t want to explore or go splunking in. In mother Earth’s innards, you will find all the things you would normally find in any animal belly — food being processed and digested, toxic gas being spewed.. the usual stuff. The results of our study and indications from our sensitive geological equipment have confirmed that this isn’t a normal sinkhole or cave system. It is indeed, an arse,” said the researcher, who added that this was the first time in history that anyone has seen Earth’s butt.

Asked why the Earth-butt was located in the northern part of the planet and not the southern hemisphere which would more appropriately be considered the ‘bottom’, Dr Igunov said that due to the planet’s spheric shape and physical detachment to any other celestial body, the concept of ‘top’ or ‘bottom’ does not apply.

HOLE-Y DISCOVERY: Dr Igunov at the edge of the planet's endhole

HOLE-Y DISCOVERY: Dr Igunov at the edge of the planet’s endhole

“It’s silly to think that a ball has a top or bottom, is it not? We only consider ‘north’ to point upwards and ‘south’ to point downwards because somebody decided to do so a long time ago. It was a convention, not a fact,” Dr Igunov argued. “In fact, the position of our own ‘bottom’ is completely dependent on our body’s overall position and angle, correct? When we’re sleeping on our backs, our bottoms would be at the lowest point, however, if we were to flip over, then our butts would be at the highest point, would it not?

“So who are we to say that the planet’s butt cannot be ‘up’ here in the north of Siberia?”

Dr Igunov additionally dismissed claims that the giant hole had extraterrestrial origins.

“For goodness sake, this is science, not some fantasy! While as a scientist, I cannot deny the possibility of the existence of otherworldly beings, I can safely say that this giant hole here is nothing but Earth’s private backside part. I don’t understand why it’s so hard to accept that. If you were to hear about animals and humans not having a bunghole to expel their waste products, it would be very strange. Why can’t the planet have one too?”

The researcher also took the opportunity to warn would-be tourists to stay away from the hole.

“Look, ‘Yamal’ in Siberian language means ‘End of the World’, so that explains the hole’s function, and kind of serves as a warning to anyone foolish enough to want to dive in. So far, our sensors have not detected any impending discharges anytime soon, but believe me, everyone farts and poops. You wouldn’t want to be here when that happens.

“Now please, we don’t have much time, let my team and I continue with our anal-ysis,” he said, laughing at his own scientist-toilet joke.

 

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Najib launches 1Shudduplawei! initiative to control officials

PUTRAJAYA — Amidst the recent controversies involving his ministers, officials and elected representatives of his coalition, Prime Minister Dato’ Sri Mohd Najib Tun Razak today announced the 1Shudduplawei! programme, as a sustainable solution to stop people in his administration and political coalition shooting their mouths off and bringing him unbearable pain.

FRUSTRATED: Najib hopes the initiative will put a stop to the idiocy

FRUSTRATED: Najib hopes the initiative will put a stop to the idiocy

Speaking at a Press conference at Perdana Putra, Najib said that the initiative was mooted to counter the negative flak his government has received after a series of foot-in-mouth incidents involving members of his administration and political party.

“The moment I read what Bung wrote after Germany’s thrashing of Brazil, I screamed to my laptop ‘Dammit, Bung! What the hell is wrong with you?? SHUDDUP LA WEI!!’,” said Najib, referring to Kinabatangan MP Datuk Bung Moktar’s twitter post praising Hitler in his distasteful celebration of Germany’s semi-final win over Brazil in the World Cup. His gaffe was also covered by international media such as CNN.

NOT FUNNY: Bung Moktar's tweet, which German Ambassador to Malaysia found offensive and 'intolerable'

NOT FUNNY: Bung Moktar’s tweet, which many found offensive and ‘intolerable’

“As if the Ku Nan Soup Kitchen mess was not enough lah, right?” he continued, clearly flustered by the unnecessary stress caused by the unwanted attention. “You know how many sleepless nights I had to endure thanks to these clowns? I work very, very hard to get people’s buy-in, going on nationwide roadshows to explain to the rakyat all my national transformation policies and how they and their children will benefit. I go around the world trying to convince world leaders to engage Malaysia in business and collaborations.

“And all it takes to undo all that is an idiotic, callous and irresponsible statement in 140 characters or less!” he added, referring to Twitter’s 140-character limit.

“So today, I say that is ENOUGH,” Najib pronounced. “The idiocy ends HERE, NO FURTHER!”

The 1Shudduplawei! initiative involves active censuring and censoring of government officials who cross the line, via demerit systems, pay-cuts, demotions and if need be, whipping at the backside or shoving off an airplane mid-flight.

“Frankly I am very tired of cleaning these people’s mess,” said Najib. “I have far better ways to spend my time.

“This programme will hopefully deter anybody in my team from shooting their mouths off and making voters or investors upset,” said the PM. “I am discussing with my scientific and medical advisors on possible methods of censoring, and words like ‘superglue lips’, ‘penectomy’ as well as ‘lobotomy’ are being thrown around. We’ll see the logistics.

“And I’ve already got a few other 1Malaysia-themed brands to label these methods,” he said, smiling and showing a brief flash of joy. “I’ve got ‘1Wallop’ for the time I get to personally plant a tight, nuclear-level slap on the offender’s face, ‘1Terajang’ for when I get really agitated and kick them off a plane or the top floor of KLCC, ‘1Potong’ for when I either cut their salary, their manhood, or cut them from my administration or party, and the scariest of all, ‘1Leter’, when I send them for a nice sounding by my better half. Ha, siap la diaorang…”

Najib said that the programme will come into effect after Hari Raya, when he will have more energy and can be less restrained to kick people’s butt.

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Obama temporarily barred from Air Force One due to durian-breath

KUALA LUMPUR — US President Barack Obama, on-route to the Philippines after completing a 3-day visit to Malaysia, was denied entry into the presidential plane Air Force One by the Secret Service after his durian-tainted breath triggered the aircraft’s hazardous gas sensors.

Mr Obama, who had just enjoyed a large serving of the thorny fruit known for its pungent, strong smell yet delicious taste, was stopped by his own security personnel at the aircraft door and asked to return to his armoured limousine and taken to a nearby airport VIP lounge where he could ‘decontaminate’ his mouth.

A Secret Service spokeswoman said that this drastic measure was unusual, but needed to be taken for the safety of the entire plane, as the Asian fruit’s overwhelming smell, quoted by some as ‘reeking of garbage stink’, could overcome the other personnel and endanger the flight.

STRONG STOMACH: Obama being escorted away from Air Force One

STRONG STOMACH: Obama being escorted away from Air Force One

“We are truly sorry to do this to the Commander-in-Chief, but we have strict rules about toxic smells on our flights,” said the spokesperson who declined to be named. “Our job is to ensure the security of the president, but if he poses a danger to himself by consuming such thing, we have to make a stand.

“We can’t have our pilots or other staff suffocating just because Mr Obama says ‘Hi’ to them, unleashing the smell of hell unto them. Heck, I don’t think even our delicate electronic instruments could withstand such a rancid scent. A couple of his security details had to be taken to the emergency room just now when he flashed his grin at the crowd before we left the hotel,” she said.

“So, unless POTUS is willing to spend the entire flight to Manila wearing a biohazard suit, we simply cannot allow him on the plane. No way.”

NOT FOR EVERYONE: The 'musang king' durian

NOT FOR EVERYONE: The ‘musang king’ durian

Met at the lounge, Mr Obama said that he could not resist having a go at the durians he saw by the side of the road as his entourage drove by, as ‘it brought back happy memories of his growing up years in Indonesia’.

“I was just enjoying the ride, Skyping to Michelle and the kids when I saw it — a huge, beautiful pile of Musang King durian being sold by an old Chinese fellow,” said Obama, in between chewing spearmint gum and gargling Listerine vigorously. “Suddenly my head was filled with all those sweet times I spent with my buddies in my mom’s village just outside Jakarta in 1967. Jumping into rivers buck naked and picking fresh mangoes and rambutans at Farmer Wak Djomo’s orchard. His durians were just divine. Golly, I LOVE Malaysia!

“I’m sorry if I caused a few hours of delay, but look, I’m the Chief. I just had to get me some.”

The entourage made the impromptu pit stop where the president spent about half an hour eating 3 durians before continuing on his journey. The flight to Manila is expected to resume in six hours, after getting clearance from Hazmat personnel.

The durian seller, Mr Denny Lim, 67, said that while he was initially surprised by the VIP visit to his fruit stall, he felt honoured and glad to see a durian lover rediscovering his roots.

“At first I thought I was in trouble with polis one,” said Mr Lim. “The big black cars passed by with polis bike and all, then they all stopped and reversed. These big, big white men came and surrounded me, and then this black man came, bought 2 durians, squatted beside me and started opening them. He looked like he hadn’t had durians for years, so I kesian and gave him one free. I think okay lor, we must treat tourist very nice-nice one. Visit Malaysia Year what.

“But he paid with US dollars, I said I got no change in US dollar, so he told me to keep the 100 dollars,” said Mr Lim smiling.

While Mr Lim is happy with the president’s durian indulgence, it is said that some others may not be as pleased. According to some other unverified sources, the order to quarantine the president came all the way from Washington DC — the First Lady herself.

“She was on video chat with him when he made the decision to make the durian pit stop,” said the source. “He didn’t tell her why he had to drop her call all of a sudden, but she saw his face, and she knew. She had seen it before when the First Couple visited an Asian store in Texas last year and chanced upon a pack of frozen durians.

“She made the call to the Secret Service with specific instructions to ‘not let POTUS in the plane until he gets rid of that wretched breath’, and between offending the president or pissing off his wife, we knew the better option.”

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Malaysia offers assistance to problem-plagued Sochi

KUALA LUMPUR — Malaysia has extended an offer to Sochi to help host the XXII Winter Olympic Games, in light of the Russian city’s apparent lack of readiness in organising the event as tweeted by unhappy global media representatives who arrived in their hotels only to find toilets, doors, power outlets and other basic amenities in sorry state.

malaysia_winter_olympicsSpeaking at Sri Perdana today, Prime Minister YAB Dato’ Sri Mohd Najib Razak said that the widely-known problems faced by the organisers prompted him to come up with the idea of holding the winter games in Malaysia, seeing how “we should always help our neighbours who are in trouble”.

“It broke my heart when I read all those mean tweets and unflattering pictures of construction materials in hotel rooms, yellow-coloured tap water and non-functioning toilet seats,” said Najib. “I know how hard it is to organise an event like this, and I asked myself, what can we do to help a nation in need?

“Suddenly I had an epiphany — if they’re not ready, we’ll do it for them!”

The PM pointed out that Malaysia has all the necessary facilities, infrastructure and weather conditions to run the winter olympics.

“We have so many hotels, all ready to accept the huge number of guests, seeing how it’s not peak period in our tourist calendar. Our airports are primed to receive all our visitors without problem,” said Najib, adding that while KLIA 2 may not be completely functional, “it’s no more ‘complete’ than the Sochi facilities, so it’s not a major step-down for the would-be passengers”.

“Fine, we have summer-based stadiums as opposed to the ice-based facilities in Sochi, but it’s nothing that a little adaptation to the tools cannot fix. How hard is it to change from skis to wheels?”

The PM said that for winter sport events that ‘really, really need’ ice or snow, there are available private facilities which can be used.

An artist's impression of an adapted bobsledding

An artist’s impression of an adapted bobsledding

“We have a few winter-based theme parks and arenas for that. The Winter Wonderland at i-City is a marvelous spot that can handle all the wintery stuff people from Canada, Russia, Europe and other icy-places want. The ice-skating rinks at Sunway Pyramid and Mutiara Damansara are also open for business, what more do you want?

“Plus, I don’t see why our world-famous water slides can’t handle the bobsled and luge events,” he added. “In fact, I think the sport will be much more interesting when the sleds end up in the pool of water, creating huge, gigantic splashes. So the points can be based not only on speed, but also on the size of the water splashes.”

Najib, telling the media that he’ll be contacting his counterpart in Moscow to discuss the relocation of the venue, medals as well as tools and officials, also said that those who worried about the stifling heat of Malaysia’s tropical climate need not fret.

“All our facilities are air-conditioned, or at least equipped with good fans and ice-cream stalls,” he said reassuringly. “And in case you don’t remember, the recent ‘cold draft’ that brought down the temperatures in some parts of Malaysia has not left us. You’d still need those nice, thick jackets to walk around in those chilly nights.

“We’re cool.”

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Canada: Bieber barred from returning, deportation by US considered act of war

OTTAWA — The Canadian government announced today that any move by neighbouring US government to send singer Justin Bieber back home is ‘unconscionable’ and would be considered an act of war.

HARPER: My duty to protect Canada

HARPER: My duty to protect Canada

Speaking from the PM’s Office in Parliament Hill, Prime Minister Stephen Harper said that the current effort by Americans to deport the 19-year-old through the online petition to the White House is of ‘major concern’.

“The Canadian government certainly takes this issue very seriously, as it could potentially affect our national security as well as economic and social stability,” said Harper, denouncing the move. “When the ‘subject’ decided to move to Los Angeles in 2008 and the US people wholeheartedly accepted his relocation, it was a one-way deal, and we clearly stated that it was permanent. This is not Walmart — there’s no return policy here.”

WILD BOY: Bieber behaving badly

WILD BOY: Bieber behaving badly

Bieber, who recently ran afoul of the law after he was arrested for drag racing and DUI in addition to resisting arrest in Miami, became the latest subject in the White House’s Online Petition initiative. Concerned Americans fed-up with his spoilt-brat antics filed a petition calling for the deportation of the superstar back to his home country or anywhere ‘that’s not the US’. According to the website, the White House promises to review any petition by the public which gathers more than 100,000 signatures in 30 days, and the ‘Deport Bieber’ petition surpassed 175,000 in just 6 days.

“We understand that our brothers and sisters down south may have reached their boiling point after seeing the girly-boy turn from a Youtube child sensation into an uber-rich, ungrateful piece of blonde crap, soaking up valuable oxygen and displaying the kind of decadent excesses which would make any working American vomit blood,” said Harper empathically. “But sorry, you let him in. Now he’s your problem.”

OUT: The online White House petition

OUT: The online White House petition

Bieber, who rose to stardom under the mentorship of pop singer Usher via songs such as ‘Baby’, ‘Boyfriend’ and ‘Never Say Never’, movie and TV appearances as well as hooking up with Selena Gomez, has had a stellar career in the short span of 5 years, amassing a personal fortune of US$160 million. However, the constant spotlight has somehow turned the youngster into a rather unpleasant and wild person who has no issue getting high or drunk, terrorising neighbours, bringing exotic monkeys into other countries and urinating into random janitor mop buckets.

Harper added that it’s not proper for countries to import something only to try to return it just because it’s gone rotten.

“Look, we gave the US Avril Lavigne, Alanis Morissette, Shania Twain and Celine Dion, and the country had no problem enjoying our gifts and exploiting the products of the Canadian creative environment. They were all great, iconic personalities which brought nothing but happiness to your country. You give them Green Cards, but once one of them gets bad and unruly, you want to send it back? That’s not fair — you gotta take the good with the bad, eh?

“Okay, maybe Celine Dion was a bad example. But you get the point.”

The PM said that the border authorities had been instructed to increase its patrols to ensure Bieber doesn’t get through.

“We’re on high alert. Maintaining order and good sense is priority in Canada. Having the Americans violate this would mean severe diplomatic consequences,” stressed Harper. “My job is to protect innocent Canadian lives, and my government firmly stands behind this decision.”

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