Category Archives: World News

Malaysia offers assistance to problem-plagued Sochi

KUALA LUMPUR — Malaysia has extended an offer to Sochi to help host the XXII Winter Olympic Games, in light of the Russian city’s apparent lack of readiness in organising the event as tweeted by unhappy global media representatives who arrived in their hotels only to find toilets, doors, power outlets and other basic amenities in sorry state.

malaysia_winter_olympicsSpeaking at Sri Perdana today, Prime Minister YAB Dato’ Sri Mohd Najib Razak said that the widely-known problems faced by the organisers prompted him to come up with the idea of holding the winter games in Malaysia, seeing how “we should always help our neighbours who are in trouble”.

“It broke my heart when I read all those mean tweets and unflattering pictures of construction materials in hotel rooms, yellow-coloured tap water and non-functioning toilet seats,” said Najib. “I know how hard it is to organise an event like this, and I asked myself, what can we do to help a nation in need?

“Suddenly I had an epiphany — if they’re not ready, we’ll do it for them!”

The PM pointed out that Malaysia has all the necessary facilities, infrastructure and weather conditions to run the winter olympics.

“We have so many hotels, all ready to accept the huge number of guests, seeing how it’s not peak period in our tourist calendar. Our airports are primed to receive all our visitors without problem,” said Najib, adding that while KLIA 2 may not be completely functional, “it’s no more ‘complete’ than the Sochi facilities, so it’s not a major step-down for the would-be passengers”.

“Fine, we have summer-based stadiums as opposed to the ice-based facilities in Sochi, but it’s nothing that a little adaptation to the tools cannot fix. How hard is it to change from skis to wheels?”

The PM said that for winter sport events that ‘really, really need’ ice or snow, there are available private facilities which can be used.

An artist's impression of an adapted bobsledding

An artist’s impression of an adapted bobsledding

“We have a few winter-based theme parks and arenas for that. The Winter Wonderland at i-City is a marvelous spot that can handle all the wintery stuff people from Canada, Russia, Europe and other icy-places want. The ice-skating rinks at Sunway Pyramid and Mutiara Damansara are also open for business, what more do you want?

“Plus, I don’t see why our world-famous water slides can’t handle the bobsled and luge events,” he added. “In fact, I think the sport will be much more interesting when the sleds end up in the pool of water, creating huge, gigantic splashes. So the points can be based not only on speed, but also on the size of the water splashes.”

Najib, telling the media that he’ll be contacting his counterpart in Moscow to discuss the relocation of the venue, medals as well as tools and officials, also said that those who worried about the stifling heat of Malaysia’s tropical climate need not fret.

“All our facilities are air-conditioned, or at least equipped with good fans and ice-cream stalls,” he said reassuringly. “And in case you don’t remember, the recent ‘cold draft’ that brought down the temperatures in some parts of Malaysia has not left us. You’d still need those nice, thick jackets to walk around in those chilly nights.

“We’re cool.”

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Canada: Bieber barred from returning, deportation by US considered act of war

OTTAWA — The Canadian government announced today that any move by neighbouring US government to send singer Justin Bieber back home is ‘unconscionable’ and would be considered an act of war.

HARPER: My duty to protect Canada

HARPER: My duty to protect Canada

Speaking from the PM’s Office in Parliament Hill, Prime Minister Stephen Harper said that the current effort by Americans to deport the 19-year-old through the online petition to the White House is of ‘major concern’.

“The Canadian government certainly takes this issue very seriously, as it could potentially affect our national security as well as economic and social stability,” said Harper, denouncing the move. “When the ‘subject’ decided to move to Los Angeles in 2008 and the US people wholeheartedly accepted his relocation, it was a one-way deal, and we clearly stated that it was permanent. This is not Walmart — there’s no return policy here.”

WILD BOY: Bieber behaving badly

WILD BOY: Bieber behaving badly

Bieber, who recently ran afoul of the law after he was arrested for drag racing and DUI in addition to resisting arrest in Miami, became the latest subject in the White House’s Online Petition initiative. Concerned Americans fed-up with his spoilt-brat antics filed a petition calling for the deportation of the superstar back to his home country or anywhere ‘that’s not the US’. According to the website, the White House promises to review any petition by the public which gathers more than 100,000 signatures in 30 days, and the ‘Deport Bieber’ petition surpassed 175,000 in just 6 days.

“We understand that our brothers and sisters down south may have reached their boiling point after seeing the girly-boy turn from a Youtube child sensation into an uber-rich, ungrateful piece of blonde crap, soaking up valuable oxygen and displaying the kind of decadent excesses which would make any working American vomit blood,” said Harper empathically. “But sorry, you let him in. Now he’s your problem.”

OUT: The online White House petition

OUT: The online White House petition

Bieber, who rose to stardom under the mentorship of pop singer Usher via songs such as ‘Baby’, ‘Boyfriend’ and ‘Never Say Never’, movie and TV appearances as well as hooking up with Selena Gomez, has had a stellar career in the short span of 5 years, amassing a personal fortune of US$160 million. However, the constant spotlight has somehow turned the youngster into a rather unpleasant and wild person who has no issue getting high or drunk, terrorising neighbours, bringing exotic monkeys into other countries and urinating into random janitor mop buckets.

Harper added that it’s not proper for countries to import something only to try to return it just because it’s gone rotten.

“Look, we gave the US Avril Lavigne, Alanis Morissette, Shania Twain and Celine Dion, and the country had no problem enjoying our gifts and exploiting the products of the Canadian creative environment. They were all great, iconic personalities which brought nothing but happiness to your country. You give them Green Cards, but once one of them gets bad and unruly, you want to send it back? That’s not fair — you gotta take the good with the bad, eh?

“Okay, maybe Celine Dion was a bad example. But you get the point.”

The PM said that the border authorities had been instructed to increase its patrols to ensure Bieber doesn’t get through.

“We’re on high alert. Maintaining order and good sense is priority in Canada. Having the Americans violate this would mean severe diplomatic consequences,” stressed Harper. “My job is to protect innocent Canadian lives, and my government firmly stands behind this decision.”

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American Idol winner can now afford own first name

LOS ANGELES — Phillip Phillips, the season 11 American Idol winner said that with the recording contract he’ll sign and consequential high income he’ll command, he’d finally be able to buy his own first name, after having to borrow his family’s surname as his first name for the last 22 years.

GOODBYE, ‘PHILLIP’: American Idol winner Phillip Phillips (left) with fellow finalist Jessica Sanchez at the final show

“When my folks had me, they were just fresh out of college, starting out their lives so they couldn’t afford to get me a real first name,” said Phillips, gesturing towards his proud parents sitting in the audience after the announcement was made on Wednesday night that he had beaten fellow Idol finalist, Jessica Sanchez. “The choices were limited then — they could either borrow, beg or steal a first name for me, so they decided to borrow from the family. Of course I don’t hold anything against them for it, things were tough back then,” he added, blowing a kiss to his mother.

“Now the first thing I’ll do when I get my recording contract advanced payment is to walk over to the National Registration Department and get my own name. I can’t wait to say goodbye to my pseudonym, Phillip,” said Phillips, reflecting on the difficult years in school being teased for having the same first and surnames. “I mean, Phillip is a wonderful name. But the fact that it’s just borrowed from a last name, that’s kinda taken the good vibe out of it. I felt like I was ordinary. It was tough. I had only one friend throughout high school who sympathised with my predicament, I’ve always wished for the day when I could change it.

“This win’s for you, Michael Michaels. We did it, buddy!” yelled Phillips into the camera, wiping tears from his cheeks.

Phillips continued, “It was bad enough to be called ‘stutter name’ or ‘carbon copy kid’. When I tried to alleviate the problem by just using my initials ‘PP’, they called me ‘PeePee’. I was traumatised.”

Fellow finalist Jessica Sanchez said that while she was disappointed that she didn’t win the show, she was inspired by Phillips’ success story. “I know how hard it is having a borrowed name — for a few years my best friend in school was stuck with the name Willow Willows. Fortunately in senior year, her parents bought her the first name ‘Wendy’, so she could start over her life. But not everyone was as lucky to have been able to afford a new name.

“Despite his handicap, Phillip proved that he could break through the discrimination and social stigma. I can’t think of a better person to beat me in the show. Congratulations!” said Sanchez, hugging Phillips.

Phillips said that he hopes to finalise his name purchase and registration before he releases his first album. “It would be a good start to my career. Yes, my fans and the American Idol voters know me as Phillip Phillips, but I don’t think having a different first name will affect their support.

“Artistes change their names constantly, and their fans didn’t leave them. Look at The-Artiste-Formerly-Known-As-Prince-Then-Changed-Into-A-Squiggly-Symbol-And-Now’s-Back-As-Prince. He still sells records. It’s all about the music.”

Asked what his new first name would be, Phillip Phillips admitted that he had not finalised his choice as yet, having been tied up with winning the show and all. “Honestly I haven’t been able to lock in to one name, I’ve got a few choices flying in my head,” he said, apparently overwhelmed by the turn of events. “I’d need to think about this carefully, my first name will determine my career success,” he stated, seriously.

“I’ve always liked ‘Alejandro’ and ‘Maximillian’. My folks did want to name me ‘Benjamin’ when I was born, but they couldn’t afford it. So maybe I’ll use all three.

“Alejandro Maximillian Benjamin Phillips. Now that sells records. Yeah!”

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World finds out 11:11:11 11-11-11 just a bunch of dumb numbers

WORLD — Roughly 7 billion people around planet Earth today realised that despite the hype and sentimental bullshit, 11:11:11 11-11-11, the stylised expression of 11:11:11am, 11 November 2011, is just a stupid point in time, with no significance whatsoever to anything important. To the disappointment of the world’s population, the moment came and went without anything remotely remarkable happening.

The Moment, captured in perpetuality without any significance

“Shit, man. I was hoping something big happened,” said Mbutu Kwambe, a 35-year-old trader in Zimbabwe’s capital city, Harare. “I waited outside, with my laptop and TV on, to see if any alien would appear to take over the planet or if Armageddon would happen. Zilch. What a waste of good numbers.”

Li Shan, 47 from Shanghai agreed. “I took the day off from my accounting job to fully immerse myself in the moment. I mean, this supposedly significant number only happens every hundred years or something. It’s bigger than the eclipse of the sun, or even the near-miss of some potentially harmful comet! But what the hell, man. My poop this morning was more eventful.”

At the United Nations headquarters, leaders of the world voiced their dissatisfaction that none of the UN members did anything big to ensure that the moment would be celebrated next year onwards.

“From fuck’s sake, do I have to do everything around here?” said UN secretary general Ban Ki-Moon in disgust at a special session to address The Moment, right after the moment came and went. “Where are all the fireworks? The man-made disasters? Some significant event we’d be able to tie to The Moment and celebrate year after year? How come nobody invaded anybody? Or bombed the hell out of some city? We can’t just depend on North Korea to be the bad guy and do some newsworthy shit all the time!”

However, there were some small consolations for the World. Everywhere across the globe, couples were getting married, girlfriends were proposed to and wedding vows were remade at the precise moment the digital clock displayed the 1′s. Hopes were abound that perhaps, the digits would magically make the unions more significant and stronger than regular ones.

“My new husband and I officially became a family at 11:11:11 11-11-11!” said Regina Lim, a beaming bride from Kuala Lumpur, as the groom Ronald Chan looked on in mild amusement. “I know that being married at The Moment will ensure our happiness and longevity of our marriage. It’s such a magical and romantic moment!”

Mr Chan, when met privately later however said, “Sheesh, it’s such a pain. I mean, it’s Friday late morning — who the heck marries on a weekday? But she wanted it, so, being the doormat that I am, I let her have it.”

Asked whether he believed the significance of the Moment as much as his new wife, he said, “I don’t know. She’s so bossy and I’ve got a short temper. I want kids, she doesn’t. So as you can see, we’ve got some serious compatibility issues yet to be resolved. We’d be lucky to survive the next year.”

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Malaysia beats Arsenal 25,741 – 0

KUALA LUMPUR — In what many pundits considered a ‘grossly unfair match’, Malaysia’s national football squad tonight beat visiting English Premier League club Arsenal 25,741-nil, with most of the goals scored in the last 15 minutes.
The Malayan Tigers began their onslaught on the oblivious-looking Gunners right from the start, when Mohd Aidil Zafuan shot from the middle of the field squarely into the helpless Gunners’ goal. None of the visitors could do anything, seeing how the ball travelled at the speed of light.
Half a minute later, the ball found its way into Arsenal’s goal yet again, when Zafuan’s mental powers willed it away from the feet of Aaron Ramsey and travelled past goalie Wojciech Szczesny right into the net.
Roughly two seconds later, Kunalan Subramaniam stole the ball from a shocked Carl Jenkinson, dribbled playfully around the superstar and shot nonchalantly, while blindfolded, into the visitors’ net.
And by the time the score went past the five thousand mark nearing half time, Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger knew that the fight was over. Throwing his arms into the air hopelessly, he took off his pants as a sign of defeat and left the Stadium Malawati to express his disgust.
The humiliation by Malaysia XI continued in the second half, the home team deciding not to let the visitors off easy. As the Gunners looked on dejectedly, envying the Tigers’ almost magical footballing skills, the local boys had a feast, scoring an average of 138 goals a minute. By this time, no one kept track of who scored the goals — everyone on the field wearing the black and yellow jersey had a ball, pun intended.
As the whistle blew, head coach Datuk Rajagopal was seen waking up from his nap and going onto the field, consoling the Arsenal players, who were mostly crying their eyes out and collapsing in shame.
In the post match Press conference, Rajagopal said that he was generally pleased with his boys’ performance, but cautioned them not to be complacent when facing two more EPL teams, Liverpool and Chelsea, visiting in a few weeks’ time.
“While this was sort of a ‘warm up game’ tonight, I expect the Tigers to put more effort in thrashing the English teams,” said Rajagopal. “I’ve told them, no less than a hundred thousand goals for each game.”

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Obedient Kids Club demands attention

DISOBEDIENT: This is what the OKC is fighting against

KUALA LUMPUR — As the row over the Obedient Wives Club (OWC) and statements made by its officebearers is simmering, the younger but longer-established Obedient Kids Club (OKC) has today made a statement asking the nation to give some attention to them now.

In a written statement read by its vice-president Khairul Azmi bin Saipul, 9, the OKC said that “they had made obedience ‘in’ long before before the OWC was even conceptualised”, and that it wasn’t a “friggin’ big deal”, referring to the Obedient Wives Club, an organisation allegedly put together by former members of Al-Arqam, a banned religious cult and business entity in Malaysia.

“It’s unbelievable how the country — nay, the world — got so caught up by the Obedient Wives Club and the things they said,” read Khairul. “We the OKC have been advocating obedience and absolute submission to our parents and adults in general for almost 3 decades, and nobody paid attention. Like the OWC, we’ve taken the things we’ve been taught by our elders and written in books, and turned them into a policy, for what we believe would contribute to a harmoneous nuclear family and a healthy society in general. And yet no one stood up and protested vehemently. No one was disgusted, saying that we were ‘reversing a century of progress’ and so on. What gives?”

Khairul added that while the messages that the OKC may not have been as sensational as the ‘better than prostitute’ statement the OWC vice president Dr Rohana Mohamad made, the 50,000-strong membership club does have some spicy things to say, deserving of mention in the papers and television.

“For example, the OKC believes that kids should behave at all times, and not just when there are adults around! Now, how’s that for sensational statement, huh?” he asked the journalists who attended the Press conference at his backyard in Subang Jaya. “And get this — the OKC thinks sticking to the bedtime that parents set for us is every child’s duty! Now that’s simply incendiary, yeah!

“Ooh, yeah, if we want to touch on the super-sensitive topic of S-E-X,” continued Khairul, whispering the letters S, E and X, “then here’s OKC’s principle: we think kids should NOT engage in any sexual activities or even be exposed to it! HAH! That should rile up some children’s rights activists, yes?” he laughed.

“So please, after a week of name-calling, socio-political commentaries and jokes, let’s all just forget those so-called ‘conservative’ OWC,” said Khairul, ending the conference after hearing his mom call his name. “We the Obedient Kids Club are definitely more conservative and less progressive. We make it our goal to curb all kinds of freedom yearned by children around the world, from TV to Playstation, from girl- and boy-friends to questioning whatever our obviously smarter adults say. The media focus should be on us! People should be enraged by this club’s very existence!

“So BBC, NYT, CNN, whoever… gimme a call, ya?” he said, while doing the thumb-and-pinkie ‘phone’ gesture and quickly running back inside after his mom began yelling his name and threatened to ground him.

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American Idol loser Lauren Alaina plots revenge

HOLLYWOOD — American Idol season 10 first runner up Lauren Alaina has announced that she will have her revenge against winner Scott McCleery very soon.

A CHOKE TOO LOOSE: Alaina wished she had finished him off earlier when she had the chance

Speaking right after the finale show, where McCleery took the title after a nationwide vote, Alaina said that ‘the prick will get it, for sure’.

“Yeah, that’s right. ‘Runner Up’. That’s just another word for ‘ Freaking Loser’,” said the 16 year-old, angrily. “Everyone knows that crown’s supposed to be mine, and not that country bum. MINE!

“I mean, come on! I’ve got more talent and charisma in my middle finger than that Elvis impersonator’s whole body. This is a gross miscarriage of justice,” she added, while flipping the said finger to reporters.

“One thing for sure, I ain’t taking this lying down. If that boring butthead thinks he’ll be enjoying his ‘well-deserved’ win, he’s got another thing comin’,” she continued. “It’s not fair, the world knows it, and I’ll make sure he pays for this humiliation. Oh yeah.”

Alaina then proceeded to describe her elaborate scheme.

“The first thing is to start a psych internet warfare. At this very moment, my cybertroopers have begun planting propaganda materials on that skinny bastard on every known site and possible database. My team — Team Alaina! Woohoo! — had spent the last few months collecting all sorts of dirt on each of the Top 12 for this purpose. Now, it’s time to use it. The world will see what kind of an asshole he is,” she said excitedly, before breaking into a loud, shrieky guffaw. “By the time he’s done, that boy will be wishin’ he’s back in his little town, milkin’ cows, y’all.”

Taking out a poster of the 17-year-old McCreery and tearing it in half, Alaina continued, “And if that doesn’t kill him, we’ll deploy our aerial attacks and smart cruise missile assault campaign. My nuclear submarines and aircraft carrier combat fleet are at Defcon-2 level, parked at the coastline waiting for my orders. All it takes is just me giving the go-ahead and that mo-fo’s toast,” she said, snapping her fingers.

“We all know why he so-called ‘won’, right?” asked the teenager from Georgia. “It’s those stupid tweens, that’s why! Dumbass little schoolgirls who couldn’t tell the difference between real talent and flannel-wearing rednecks with Darth Vader’s voice. They’re the ones who made up the majority of the 100 million voters. Parents gave ‘em cellphones to call home, and these morons blow their money on voting for prettyboys.

“Not that I’m saying Scott’s pretty. Ew. He looks like my uncle. And I hate my uncle,” she murmured, breathing heavily while slowly shearing McCreery’s torn poster into little pieces with a hunting knife.

“Anyway, ‘Congrats’, Scottie. Enjoy your five minutes of fame. If I were you, I’d check under my car for anything suspicious before I turn on the engine.”

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Justin Bieber KL concert stopped halfway after his voice breaks

A GROWN UP NOW: Bieber performing minutes before his voice changed

Oh I can’t believe I have to do this: NOTE: his piece of ‘news’ is fake. A sick joke. Just like this WHOLE BLOGSITE. Please do NOT belieb– I mean, believe it as true. Thanks.

KUALA LUMPUR — The much anticipated and sold-out concert of uber teeny-bopper Youtube sensation Justin Bieber in Malaysia was unexpectedly cut short after the Canadian singer’s voice finally broke, and he became a man.

Bieber, 17, who was discovered on video-sharing site Youtube in 2008 is known for his high-pitched voice, which betrayed his true age. His songs receive extensive airplay and earning him extraordinary exposure, mostly due to his child-like voice.

“We’re very sorry, especially to all the ‘Beliebers’ out there, and particularly to those who attended the concert, that this had to happen,” said Ng Chong Wan, a representative of the concert organiser SkinnyGirlz Sdn Bhd. “The timing could have been better, of course but really, you can’t help it if mother nature decided to turn you from a little boy into a mature man while you’re on stage, performing in front of 15,000 screaming fans. I mean, this caught us off guard too.”

The blonde-haired heartthrob had gone through about 45 minutes of his two-hour scheduled performance when all of a sudden, in the middle of performing his hit single Somebody To Love, he began coughing lightly before choking for a bit, and continued singing in a deep, almost Darth Vader-like voice, much to the chagrin of the stunned audience. The music stopped as the crowd stood in silence, and Mr Bieber was quietly escorted backstage before organisers announced the end of the concert and ushered the audience out. Teenage girls were crying and wailing uncontrollably.

“It was horrible,” said Sarah Yen, 13, who came with her two sisters and mother to catch her idol. “At first I didn’t believe it, but when they told us that Justin was ‘sick’ and couldn’t continue the show, I felt like dying.

“He’s finally grown up! The moment that we’ve all been dreading all these while, arrived without mercy. Justin is now a man. A grown up! What do I do now?” she asked, in between teary sobs, hugging her visibly upset mother.

“It’s both historic and sad, I guess,” said Henry Yap, 21, who bought two tickets to the concert as a birthday present for his girlfriend. “I’m happy to see that the boy can finally act — and sound — his age, it’s something that all guys are supposed to go through, but I’m kind of sad to see his career as a child star cut short like this. Especially in front of so many people.”

Ng, meanwhile, refused to comment whether this voice cracking meant the end of Bieber’s amazing rise from a small-town Youtube star to an international megastar worth an estimated US$100 million.

“Look, we’re just the organisers, you’ll need to ask his label or his management about that. We’ve got enough to worry about — people are going to ask if we’re going to refund half the money, since Justin only performed half a concert. Understandably we’ll have to refer to our legal people. These are not exactly ordinary circumstances.

“Whatever it is, we’ll continue to support Justin Bieber’s career where ever this ‘new development’ takes him. Acting? We’ll promote him. Modelling? He’s still very cute, although not for long, considering that he’ll be growning more facial hair now that he’s a proper man.

“Even if he’ll have to appeal to a more mature market after this, we’ll be more than happy to bring him back to KL. Even tenors and baritones have fans in Malaysia.”

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Humans glad to be back to ramming Earth’s behind

LOOKING GOOD: Humanity's effort to fuck up the planet looks promising

ALL OVER THE PLANET– Almost a week has passed since the Earth Hour ended, and humans around the world breathed a sigh of relief as they were free to fuck the world’s environment once again.

“OMG, I’m glad that hour’s over,” said Michael Johnson, 47, a vice president of an manufacturing firm based in the US. “It was such a pain in the ass refraining from doing anything destructive and selfish during that stupid hour. But now that we’re all back to normal, I’m happy to be spending energy needlessly, throwing away household waste indiscriminately and generally being a prick with the planet,” he continued, while adding that his chemical and manufacturing plants will be stepping up its factory operations in Asia and Africa despite slow demand for their products, simply to spend as much energy as possible and release as much pollutants into the air and water as they can.

Kim Jong Moon, 56, a businessman in South Korea shared the same sentiment. “I know we were only supposed to observe Earth Hour by turning off non-essential lights and also unplug unnecessary electrical items, but my friends and I decided to go a little further by cutting our water and gas usage for the entire hour, you know, to make a bigger impact for our beloved planet.

“But now that the hour’s over, we can all go back to fucking the planet in its behind without guilt,” he continued, as he switched on all the available lights, electrical equipments, the engines of his gas-guzzling hot rods and pushed his apartment heater to max temperature.

Earth Hour was celebrated on March 26 between 8.30pm to 9.30pm as a symbol of energy conservation, as part of a global movement to save the planet from destruction caused by the overconsumerism of its resources. Participants observing the event, from individuals to corporations and governments, switched off non-essential lights and equipment for the hour.

“Seriously, it was like abstaining on your wedding night,” Kim continued, straining his voice trying to speak over the sound of all the faucets in the apartment turned on at full blast. “It was a real bitch trying to make Earth happy, we had to sacrifice so much to make  Earth Hour work. Fortunately this stupid thing’s only an hour a year. I’d be going nuts if some smartass decides to turn it into Earth Day, Earth Week or whatever. Fuck that.

“In fact, the guys and I are heading up to the park later to make a giant bonfire just to make up for whatever positive impact the hour had achieved. We’re burning wood and whatever garbage we find around there. I personally hope to find some old tyres — they make the blackest smoke,” he said, giggling. “And all my facebook friends around the world are doing the same. It’s heartwarming to see a global movement to finish off the planet in a concerted effort.”

Another human in Germany, who wanted to be known only as Sarah K, 34, said that it was every human’s civic duty to be themselves and help Earth continue the downward spiral towards imminent doom. “During Earth Hour, I personally stopped burning shit into the air, you know? I even refrained from buying some illegally poached elephant tusk-ornament for my living room. It was just painful to see it online but not buy it.

“But now that that nonsense hour has passed, I advocate my fellow humans around the world, all 7 billion of us, to go back to being the selfish assholes we’ve been the rest of the year. Spend energy and all the resources like they aint’ never gonna deplete — after all, Earth is a big-ass planet. There’s more than enough to go around. In fact, I’m getting the tusk AND an endangered tiger penis. I hear it’s good for health. Checkout counter girl asks me ‘Paper or plastic’ at the supermarket? Give me paper AND plastic! And triple-bag it, biotch!

“Hell, nobody lives forever, man,” she continued as she poured spent cooking oil down the sink. “So the world will be a mass heap of crap in two or three decades? That’s the next generation’s problem.

“My kids have been having an easy life anyway, spoilt by the Xbox, Wii and other crap. Might as well give them a bit of challenge.”

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Assholes form association

KUALA LUMPUR — Assholes around the nation now have a place to call home as a group of die-hard assholes successfully registered ANUS, or Assholes National United Society, with the Registrar of Societies today.

“It is truly an historic day for assholes, no matter where,” said Mr Karim Karman, also known as Hensemboy, the group’s spokesperson and co-founding member, in a Press conference attended by representatives from asshole communities throughout Malaysia. “For too long, assholes have been unfairly discriminated against, simply because we’re inconsiderate bastards who only care about ourselves. For far too long, assholes have been the subject of countless jeers and insults, a wholly unfair treatment set upon us, based only on the fact that we’re socially retarded and unable to think about the feelings of other people. Well, today the discrimination stops!

“Do you think it’s fair that we’re treated so badly by the goodie-too-shoes of society simply for our bad treatment of others?” asked Karim, as the rowdy and utterly rude crowd responded with a resounding ‘No, asshole!’. “Is it right to treat us assholes like crap just because we think we’re God’s gift to humanity and the others are scumbags unworthy of attention?

“And is it just to disrespect us, just because we disrespect everyone else?” asked the sales manager known to his colleagues as an overconfident prick, as the audience of more than 100 assholes gave a standing ovation.

“Now, there is a body to champion our rights,” said Karim. “ANUS will make sure that each one of us can behave like complete assholes anywhere and anytime, without the need to apologise. We can be rude, disgusting, disrespectful, crass, self-absorbed, high-handed, big-headed and filled with hot air — all with pride.”

Another ANUS founding member, Jessica Lim, added that the association was not only created to protect the right of assholes, but also to provide support for its members.

“It’s not easy being an asshole,” said Lim, who runs a beauty salon in PJ. “You don’t make or keep many friends when you tell it as it is. When a customer comes into my shop and she’s too ugly for me to fix, I tell her and she gets angry. How like that?

“Even my family is like that. So blardy sensitive. My sister stopped talking to me when I told her her husband is an asshole. I mean, I would take it as a compliment, coming from another asshole. But no, she gets all upset, screaming and kicking, calling me names. It really hurt, coming from your own family.

“So it gets a little bit lonely sometimes, with everybody staying away. It sucks. So now, we assholes can find company in each other within this ass-ociation!” said Lim snickering, unable to hide her assholic glee at the pun.

Karim said that while the registration with the ROI had him listed as pro-tem president and the exco made up of the forming committee, the first thing he would do would be to hold an exco election.

“It’s not a very assholic thing to do, I admit,” he said, matter-of-factly. “The correct way, if I want to be a complete asshole about it, is to not only hold on to this position, but to consolodate my powers like a power-crazy bastard, abuse all democratic processes just to line my own pocket, and overstay my welcome for as long as I can. But this association is more important than my own assholic interests. I can’t let my pride and selfishness kill the group before it even began, now, can I?”

Lim added that unlike many other associations, parties and organisations, ANUS is probably the most equal-opportunity entity to have been created.

“Think about it. We’re not based on colour, sex, age, nationality, political inclination or whatever. You just have to be an asshole to be eligible for membership,” she said. “And the great thing about assholes is this: everybody’s got one.”

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