Category Archives: Showbiz

Godzilla name changed to Go-zilla under new anti-negativity law

KUALA LUMPUR — The movie ‘Godzilla’, which opened early today was relaunched under a new title to comply with a new law requiring all creative, entertainment and cultural products to be more positive and heartwarming, as well as more sensitive and safer for the Malaysian audience.

The science-fiction action feature film, based on a Japanese TV series about a giant reptile running amuck in Tokyo, became the first creative product to be affected by the Harmonious and Positive Element in Entertainment (HAPEE) act, which falls under the purview of the Information Department of the Malaysian Information and Communication Ministry. The act, unanimously passed by Parliament in February, stipulates that any entertainment product, be it broadcast, printed, published online or performed live to the general Malaysian public, must not contain any element which are deemed negative, harmful to society or disrespectful to Malaysian values and sensitivities.

When contacted, Ministry spokesperson Pn. Laminah Gastono said that the movie was retitled ‘Go-zilla’ to “refocus the movie on the positive values such as being a ‘go-getter’ and reflects ‘constant improvement’ attitude”.

BEFORE & AFTER: The new, more positive and happier Go-zilla poster, compared to the depressing and violence-ridden original

BEFORE & AFTER: The new, more positive and happier Go-zilla poster shows love, joy and intact buildings, compared to the depressing and violence-ridden original

“The relaunched movie retains much of the original content, with most of the action sequences and dialogues largely untouched,” said Laminah. “The HAPEE editing committee is very much aware that Malaysian viewers are mature and can form logical, sensible decisions based on educated opinions. As such, we only edited around 45 per cent of the film, which contains aggression, violence, swearing, sexual innuendos, judgmental connotations, insulting barbs or negative elements that may cause fear and provoke certain audience members to react adversely.

“Our concern is the mental wellbeing of the Malaysian audience. Heaven knows we’re already being bombarded by so much negativity in the media every day, with bad news making the headlines with gory pictures turning our stomachs. We look to entertainment products such as movies, TV shows and songs to feel better, so the job of regulators is to ensure that the entertainment is truly positive, heartwarming and provides harmonious good feeling.”

Laminah added that HAPEE is an improved version of the censorship policy it replaces, both in spirit and in the tools used.

“The censorship regulation used previously only covered certain aspects of entertainment and applied varying standards for different products. As a result, we saw many cases of inconsistencies: some movies ended up showing too much negativity, while some others got butchered unnecessarily. And we also saw different treatments received by TV shows, movies, concerts and such, thanks to different entities handling each product. HAPEE happily takes over the role for all creative entertainment and edu-tainment products.

“And as for tools, we are also a lot more creative in protecting the eyes and ears of the Malaysian audience,” added Laminah. “Thanks to a robust new technology developed in-house, we no longer have to rely only on cutting, blurring or pixellating sexy scenes and bleeping curse words. We can now replace offensive elements with wholesome, family-friendly ones automatically, and even rewrite the storyline to be more healthy,” she said, before demonstrating the new, always smiling Go-zilla trudging around New York while meowing and purring like a kitten, spreading love and well-wishes all around.

Laminah also stated that Godzilla was the perfect movie to be the pioneer HAPEE-certified product.

“First of all, we replace the first syllable with ‘Go’, because as you know, the word is a sensitive one in Malaysia. To remove any possibility of anyone being confused between a giant reptile and a religious term, we decided that it was better to change it altogether. And what better way than to change it to such a positive, forward-thinking and innovative word such as ‘Go’! Always moving, always improving!

“We’ve also made sure that upon watching this film, the audience will feel nothing but happiness, joy and benign sentiments. Even the soundtrack has been automatically edited — the fear- and suspense-inducing parts have been replaced with tunes from popular children’s nursery rhymes,” adding that the Incy Wincy Spider song was her personal favourite. “In the end, no city gets destroyed, nobody dies, no fear is felt and absolutely no guns were fired — nay, even appears — in Go-zilla. Everyone lives happily ever after.”

Laminah said that the HAPEE committee is already in the process of editing a few films, TV shows and performances slotted to be released in the coming weeks and months.

“The X-Men: Days of Future Past will have all its negativity removed and edited. We find that ‘X’ has negative connotations, implying a ‘No’, so we’re changing that to a ‘Yes’. And since our committee finds ‘Days of Future Past’ is rather confusing, we’re editing that too,” she said proudly, adding that thanks to the HAPEE committee’s efficiency and technology, ‘Yes-Men: Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow’ will open in theatres as scheduled on May 22. “So, without spoiling the plot, I say: do look forward to a positive, happy, conflict-less, non-mutated character-filled tale of love and remembrance of history.

“And while we’re talking about history, HAPEE will also revisit all the creative works already available in Malaysia, including those targeted to children,” added Laminah.

“Has anyone realised how violent children’s fairy tales and nursery rhymes are? In almost every one, somebody gets injured, maimed or brutally killed! Hansel & Gretel — death and cannibalism. Jack & Jill — horrific and bloody accident while climbing up the hill. Humpty Dumpty — broken limbs and certain death after falling off a wall. What insanity is all this? I suppose they are a reflection of the sad, angry old war-mongering days of our feudal ancestors.

“So we’ll clean them all up, and positivise everything.”

4 Comments

Filed under Humour, Lifestyle, Showbiz

Canada: Bieber barred from returning, deportation by US considered act of war

OTTAWA — The Canadian government announced today that any move by neighbouring US government to send singer Justin Bieber back home is ‘unconscionable’ and would be considered an act of war.

HARPER: My duty to protect Canada

HARPER: My duty to protect Canada

Speaking from the PM’s Office in Parliament Hill, Prime Minister Stephen Harper said that the current effort by Americans to deport the 19-year-old through the online petition to the White House is of ‘major concern’.

“The Canadian government certainly takes this issue very seriously, as it could potentially affect our national security as well as economic and social stability,” said Harper, denouncing the move. “When the ‘subject’ decided to move to Los Angeles in 2008 and the US people wholeheartedly accepted his relocation, it was a one-way deal, and we clearly stated that it was permanent. This is not Walmart — there’s no return policy here.”

WILD BOY: Bieber behaving badly

WILD BOY: Bieber behaving badly

Bieber, who recently ran afoul of the law after he was arrested for drag racing and DUI in addition to resisting arrest in Miami, became the latest subject in the White House’s Online Petition initiative. Concerned Americans fed-up with his spoilt-brat antics filed a petition calling for the deportation of the superstar back to his home country or anywhere ‘that’s not the US’. According to the website, the White House promises to review any petition by the public which gathers more than 100,000 signatures in 30 days, and the ‘Deport Bieber’ petition surpassed 175,000 in just 6 days.

“We understand that our brothers and sisters down south may have reached their boiling point after seeing the girly-boy turn from a Youtube child sensation into an uber-rich, ungrateful piece of blonde crap, soaking up valuable oxygen and displaying the kind of decadent excesses which would make any working American vomit blood,” said Harper empathically. “But sorry, you let him in. Now he’s your problem.”

OUT: The online White House petition

OUT: The online White House petition

Bieber, who rose to stardom under the mentorship of pop singer Usher via songs such as ‘Baby’, ‘Boyfriend’ and ‘Never Say Never’, movie and TV appearances as well as hooking up with Selena Gomez, has had a stellar career in the short span of 5 years, amassing a personal fortune of US$160 million. However, the constant spotlight has somehow turned the youngster into a rather unpleasant and wild person who has no issue getting high or drunk, terrorising neighbours, bringing exotic monkeys into other countries and urinating into random janitor mop buckets.

Harper added that it’s not proper for countries to import something only to try to return it just because it’s gone rotten.

“Look, we gave the US Avril Lavigne, Alanis Morissette, Shania Twain and Celine Dion, and the country had no problem enjoying our gifts and exploiting the products of the Canadian creative environment. They were all great, iconic personalities which brought nothing but happiness to your country. You give them Green Cards, but once one of them gets bad and unruly, you want to send it back? That’s not fair — you gotta take the good with the bad, eh?

“Okay, maybe Celine Dion was a bad example. But you get the point.”

The PM said that the border authorities had been instructed to increase its patrols to ensure Bieber doesn’t get through.

“We’re on high alert. Maintaining order and good sense is priority in Canada. Having the Americans violate this would mean severe diplomatic consequences,” stressed Harper. “My job is to protect innocent Canadian lives, and my government firmly stands behind this decision.”

Leave a comment

Filed under Showbiz, World News

American Idol winner can now afford own first name

LOS ANGELES — Phillip Phillips, the season 11 American Idol winner said that with the recording contract he’ll sign and consequential high income he’ll command, he’d finally be able to buy his own first name, after having to borrow his family’s surname as his first name for the last 22 years.

GOODBYE, ‘PHILLIP': American Idol winner Phillip Phillips (left) with fellow finalist Jessica Sanchez at the final show

“When my folks had me, they were just fresh out of college, starting out their lives so they couldn’t afford to get me a real first name,” said Phillips, gesturing towards his proud parents sitting in the audience after the announcement was made on Wednesday night that he had beaten fellow Idol finalist, Jessica Sanchez. “The choices were limited then — they could either borrow, beg or steal a first name for me, so they decided to borrow from the family. Of course I don’t hold anything against them for it, things were tough back then,” he added, blowing a kiss to his mother.

“Now the first thing I’ll do when I get my recording contract advanced payment is to walk over to the National Registration Department and get my own name. I can’t wait to say goodbye to my pseudonym, Phillip,” said Phillips, reflecting on the difficult years in school being teased for having the same first and surnames. “I mean, Phillip is a wonderful name. But the fact that it’s just borrowed from a last name, that’s kinda taken the good vibe out of it. I felt like I was ordinary. It was tough. I had only one friend throughout high school who sympathised with my predicament, I’ve always wished for the day when I could change it.

“This win’s for you, Michael Michaels. We did it, buddy!” yelled Phillips into the camera, wiping tears from his cheeks.

Phillips continued, “It was bad enough to be called ‘stutter name’ or ‘carbon copy kid’. When I tried to alleviate the problem by just using my initials ‘PP’, they called me ‘PeePee’. I was traumatised.”

Fellow finalist Jessica Sanchez said that while she was disappointed that she didn’t win the show, she was inspired by Phillips’ success story. “I know how hard it is having a borrowed name — for a few years my best friend in school was stuck with the name Willow Willows. Fortunately in senior year, her parents bought her the first name ‘Wendy’, so she could start over her life. But not everyone was as lucky to have been able to afford a new name.

“Despite his handicap, Phillip proved that he could break through the discrimination and social stigma. I can’t think of a better person to beat me in the show. Congratulations!” said Sanchez, hugging Phillips.

Phillips said that he hopes to finalise his name purchase and registration before he releases his first album. “It would be a good start to my career. Yes, my fans and the American Idol voters know me as Phillip Phillips, but I don’t think having a different first name will affect their support.

“Artistes change their names constantly, and their fans didn’t leave them. Look at The-Artiste-Formerly-Known-As-Prince-Then-Changed-Into-A-Squiggly-Symbol-And-Now’s-Back-As-Prince. He still sells records. It’s all about the music.”

Asked what his new first name would be, Phillip Phillips admitted that he had not finalised his choice as yet, having been tied up with winning the show and all. “Honestly I haven’t been able to lock in to one name, I’ve got a few choices flying in my head,” he said, apparently overwhelmed by the turn of events. “I’d need to think about this carefully, my first name will determine my career success,” he stated, seriously.

“I’ve always liked ‘Alejandro’ and ‘Maximillian’. My folks did want to name me ‘Benjamin’ when I was born, but they couldn’t afford it. So maybe I’ll use all three.

“Alejandro Maximillian Benjamin Phillips. Now that sells records. Yeah!”

1 Comment

Filed under Lifestyle, Showbiz, World News

American Idol loser Lauren Alaina plots revenge

HOLLYWOOD — American Idol season 10 first runner up Lauren Alaina has announced that she will have her revenge against winner Scott McCleery very soon.

A CHOKE TOO LOOSE: Alaina wished she had finished him off earlier when she had the chance

Speaking right after the finale show, where McCleery took the title after a nationwide vote, Alaina said that ‘the prick will get it, for sure’.

“Yeah, that’s right. ‘Runner Up’. That’s just another word for ‘ Freaking Loser’,” said the 16 year-old, angrily. “Everyone knows that crown’s supposed to be mine, and not that country bum. MINE!

“I mean, come on! I’ve got more talent and charisma in my middle finger than that Elvis impersonator’s whole body. This is a gross miscarriage of justice,” she added, while flipping the said finger to reporters.

“One thing for sure, I ain’t taking this lying down. If that boring butthead thinks he’ll be enjoying his ‘well-deserved’ win, he’s got another thing comin’,” she continued. “It’s not fair, the world knows it, and I’ll make sure he pays for this humiliation. Oh yeah.”

Alaina then proceeded to describe her elaborate scheme.

“The first thing is to start a psych internet warfare. At this very moment, my cybertroopers have begun planting propaganda materials on that skinny bastard on every known site and possible database. My team — Team Alaina! Woohoo! — had spent the last few months collecting all sorts of dirt on each of the Top 12 for this purpose. Now, it’s time to use it. The world will see what kind of an asshole he is,” she said excitedly, before breaking into a loud, shrieky guffaw. “By the time he’s done, that boy will be wishin’ he’s back in his little town, milkin’ cows, y’all.”

Taking out a poster of the 17-year-old McCreery and tearing it in half, Alaina continued, “And if that doesn’t kill him, we’ll deploy our aerial attacks and smart cruise missile assault campaign. My nuclear submarines and aircraft carrier combat fleet are at Defcon-2 level, parked at the coastline waiting for my orders. All it takes is just me giving the go-ahead and that mo-fo’s toast,” she said, snapping her fingers.

“We all know why he so-called ‘won’, right?” asked the teenager from Georgia. “It’s those stupid tweens, that’s why! Dumbass little schoolgirls who couldn’t tell the difference between real talent and flannel-wearing rednecks with Darth Vader’s voice. They’re the ones who made up the majority of the 100 million voters. Parents gave ‘em cellphones to call home, and these morons blow their money on voting for prettyboys.

“Not that I’m saying Scott’s pretty. Ew. He looks like my uncle. And I hate my uncle,” she murmured, breathing heavily while slowly shearing McCreery’s torn poster into little pieces with a hunting knife.

“Anyway, ‘Congrats’, Scottie. Enjoy your five minutes of fame. If I were you, I’d check under my car for anything suspicious before I turn on the engine.”

10 Comments

Filed under Showbiz, World News

Justin Bieber KL concert stopped halfway after his voice breaks

A GROWN UP NOW: Bieber performing minutes before his voice changed

Oh I can’t believe I have to do this: NOTE: his piece of ‘news’ is fake. A sick joke. Just like this WHOLE BLOGSITE. Please do NOT belieb– I mean, believe it as true. Thanks.

KUALA LUMPUR — The much anticipated and sold-out concert of uber teeny-bopper Youtube sensation Justin Bieber in Malaysia was unexpectedly cut short after the Canadian singer’s voice finally broke, and he became a man.

Bieber, 17, who was discovered on video-sharing site Youtube in 2008 is known for his high-pitched voice, which betrayed his true age. His songs receive extensive airplay and earning him extraordinary exposure, mostly due to his child-like voice.

“We’re very sorry, especially to all the ‘Beliebers’ out there, and particularly to those who attended the concert, that this had to happen,” said Ng Chong Wan, a representative of the concert organiser SkinnyGirlz Sdn Bhd. “The timing could have been better, of course but really, you can’t help it if mother nature decided to turn you from a little boy into a mature man while you’re on stage, performing in front of 15,000 screaming fans. I mean, this caught us off guard too.”

The blonde-haired heartthrob had gone through about 45 minutes of his two-hour scheduled performance when all of a sudden, in the middle of performing his hit single Somebody To Love, he began coughing lightly before choking for a bit, and continued singing in a deep, almost Darth Vader-like voice, much to the chagrin of the stunned audience. The music stopped as the crowd stood in silence, and Mr Bieber was quietly escorted backstage before organisers announced the end of the concert and ushered the audience out. Teenage girls were crying and wailing uncontrollably.

“It was horrible,” said Sarah Yen, 13, who came with her two sisters and mother to catch her idol. “At first I didn’t believe it, but when they told us that Justin was ‘sick’ and couldn’t continue the show, I felt like dying.

“He’s finally grown up! The moment that we’ve all been dreading all these while, arrived without mercy. Justin is now a man. A grown up! What do I do now?” she asked, in between teary sobs, hugging her visibly upset mother.

“It’s both historic and sad, I guess,” said Henry Yap, 21, who bought two tickets to the concert as a birthday present for his girlfriend. “I’m happy to see that the boy can finally act — and sound — his age, it’s something that all guys are supposed to go through, but I’m kind of sad to see his career as a child star cut short like this. Especially in front of so many people.”

Ng, meanwhile, refused to comment whether this voice cracking meant the end of Bieber’s amazing rise from a small-town Youtube star to an international megastar worth an estimated US$100 million.

“Look, we’re just the organisers, you’ll need to ask his label or his management about that. We’ve got enough to worry about — people are going to ask if we’re going to refund half the money, since Justin only performed half a concert. Understandably we’ll have to refer to our legal people. These are not exactly ordinary circumstances.

“Whatever it is, we’ll continue to support Justin Bieber’s career where ever this ‘new development’ takes him. Acting? We’ll promote him. Modelling? He’s still very cute, although not for long, considering that he’ll be growning more facial hair now that he’s a proper man.

“Even if he’ll have to appeal to a more mature market after this, we’ll be more than happy to bring him back to KL. Even tenors and baritones have fans in Malaysia.”

30 Comments

Filed under National News, Showbiz, World News

The Devil denies wearing Prada

DEPTHS OF HELL — The Devil today issued an official denial that he wears any item made by luxury brand, Prada, as implied in the book “The Devil Wears Prada” and movie of the same name.

In a strongly-worded denial made at a Press conference, the Prince of Doom said that he was disturbed that the writers of the fictional story misrepresented him, hurting his already somewhat negative public image.

THE DEVIL: Sensible fashion sense

“I’ll have everyone know that I’m a pretty sensible and practical guy,” said the Lord of Darkness, referring to his fashion sense and shopping principles. “Where do I go to get my clothes? Not high street, for sure. Prada, Gucci and all that are a tad too flashy for me. I’m a Reject Shop and FOS kind of fellow. The max I’d go for would be Marks & Spencer, and I keep that kind of frivilous spending to a minimum of once every couple of months.

“You can check my wardrobe if you want.”

The Devil, who goes by many different names including Lucifer, El Diablo, Satan, Beelzebub, Iblis, Mammon and Suzanne, said that he was dismayed at the lack of respect for his image painstakingly built since he fell from God’s grace.

“I consider myself a pretty consistent fella,” he said. “I may be evil, damned and all, but one thing I’ve never been is flashy and frivilous. I’ve always had this understated style which I began developing a long time ago.

“Besides, being damned and falling from grace don’t get you up high in the priority list when considering budgets. The good guys always get the biggest cut of the pie, and folks like me have to make do with what little leftover pittance we get from HQ. So I can’t exactly afford paying four figures just for a shirt.”

The Devil also added that being in hell affects his choices when it comes to attires.

“Look, I work in a less-than-hospitable environment,” he said, in reference to the fire and brimstone-laden pits filled with decaying souls of the damned. “So for me, it’s not so important to have bling-blings and snazzy designs as opposed to having good heat resistant materials wrapping my body. The ‘breathable fabric developed by Nike last year was pretty good, but it went up in flames the moment I stepped out of my door to get to work.

“That was an embarrassing moment, being naked and all.”

Asked why he didn’t bring this up earlier, when the book was released or the movie, starring Anne Hathaway and Meryl Streep, was released in 2004, the Devil responded that he didn’t mind, until he saw someone’s Facebook update saying that “if the Devil wears Prada, then I wanna be in Hell too!”.

“That was it for me,” said Lucifer, sadly. “I didn’t mind some humans having fun with my name and using some creative license in their fictional work. But when people start believing that life’s all good in Hell, that it’s just a big party with everyone in branded clothes, I had to say ‘Enough!’ It’s a gross misrepresentation of reality, and I take great offence in it!” he said, pounding his flaming fist against a brimstone wall.

“But don’t get me wrong,” he added. “I loved Meryl Streep in the movie, and if I were to appear in a female human form, she’d be a great role model.

“I just don’t agree with her fashion sense.”

3 Comments

Filed under Lifestyle, Showbiz, World News

James Cameron to produce 3D glasses for real world

HOLLYWOOD — After the immense success of his groundbreaking 3D sci-fi film Avatar, director James Cameron is currently working with cinematic 3D technology developer Dolby3D to bring that technology into the real world, to enable regular people to enjoy their real life surroundings in complete stereoscopic 3D, complete with 360-degree Dolby Surround Sound™.

Avatar was both an epic story and a technological leap,” said Cameron at the event announcing the collaboration. “While fans watched it for the story, I don’t have any doubt that the amazing and ultra-realistic 3-dimensional rendering of Pandora and its inhabitants contributed to the film’s success,” he continued, referring to the movie’s US$2 billion box office collection worldwide.

“People are definitely warming up to the idea of watching their movies and TV series in 3D,” he said enthusiastically. “And now we’re pushing the boundry even more.

CAMERON: Revolutionising reality itself

“Rather than settle with viewing movies and TV programmes in 3D, we thought, why not expand the viewing pleasure of 3D to the real world, where most people spend their waking hours?”

Cameron explained that, upon wearing the Really-Real-Reality™ 3D glasses (R3D3™), priced at US$499 for the battery-powered model and US$759 for the rechargeable model, wearers would be able to enjoy both 3-dimensional vision and complete, digital surround sound, as they look at their real world surroundings.

“From trees, buildings, objects and even other living things around the wearer, he would be able to see them in complete and ultra real 3D, just like in Avatar, as if he could reach out and touch them,” said Cameron. “I personally tried it on during testing, I was blown away. I saw a real car zooming towards me when I was crossing the intersection, and seeing it in 3D, I instinctly avoided it, as if it was really going to hit me! I couldn’t believe that our technology could produce something like this, a simple device that brings the realness of my movie, to reality. These things are amazing!”

Cameron, however, cautioned that the first experience wearing the R3D3 glasses could be difficult for some people.

“As with any new device or technology that alters human perception and connection with reality, the R3D3 glasses may cause nausea for certain people, expecially those with a pre-existing travel-sickness condition. In some cases, the wearer may not experience the 3D perception in their real surrounding, but would only percieve 2D, or even 1D.

“However, tests have found that the unpleasant experience is only temporary. In a couple of days, customers with those difficuties would be able to enjoy their real surrounding in complete 3D. But nevertheless, we’ve set up a team of support staff and a Hotline email, www.R3D3experience.com,  to cater to these teething and adaptation issues,” said Cameron confidently.

“Get ready to really experience the real world!”

7 Comments

Filed under Science & Technology, Showbiz, World News

Asia’s Biggest Loser loses rest of body weight, disappears into thin air

JAKARTA — Indonesian David Gurnani, 25, who last week took home US$100,000 and a car after shedding more than half his bodyweight, from 157kg to merely 74kg, in the first Asian version of popular weight-loss reality show Biggest Loser, has completely disappeared from the face of the planet after continuing with his diet and workout routine, finally losing the other half.

ULTIMATE LOSER ASIA: David Gurnani before the show, at the finale and now

Speaking from his family home, Gurnani’s weightless spirit said that winning the show inspired him to continue his maniacal quest to lose weight, which he started at the beginning on the show late last year.

“Winning the show was initially my goal,” said Gurnani, warmly referred to as ‘King David’ on the show, as his invisible aura floated above the sofa in the living room. “But after losing so much of my body weight and fat right before the finale, I discovered a new, more confident me. The 100 grand wasn’t the point anymore, nor was the car. The point was the weight loss. I realised I could shed as much weight as I wanted, and it was then that I wanted to go all the way.

Reducing his already spartan daily intake of water, air and one raisin, Gurnani decided to cut the water and raisin, after learning each raisin had 2 calories and water retention could impair his weight loss plans.

“In the beginning, it was hard,” Gurnani admitted. “After my weight dropped to 5kg, I could not even lift what was left of my finger. I could feel the weight of my bones and skin holding me down.

“But after thinking about my ultimate goal, which is to be weight-free, I somehow garnered this amazing strength to move about and continue with my routine,” he said, adding that the largest organ on a human body was the skin, and for him, most problematic to shed.

“Having achieved zero-fat and zero-muscle mass content, I was left with my skin, whose weight I thought would be impossible to lose,” said the now ethereal being softly, as he struggled to keep steady what with the ceiling fan being on at half speed. “However, I discovered an ingenius way to shed it — by baking myself in the hot sun. After a full day, my skin became so flaky and dusty, it literally broke apart and fell off!” said Gurnani gleefully, his laughter freakishly echoing around the room.

“And then there was my skeleton,” he continued, voice cracking. “I thought, now, if I were to wait until my skeleton vanishes, it would take forever. I couldn’t wait that long — I mean, look at the ice man remains and the Egyptian mummies!

“So I was left with two choices: either I self destruct by cremating whatever’s left of my body, or I eat myself into oblivion. Seeing that cremating still leaves ashes behind, which still weighs a few grammes, I decided on the latter.

“After consuming my own bones from my toes to the very tip of my skull, I finally became absolutely nothing. I am now zero weight.”

Asked how life has changed after achieving his ultimate goal, Gurnani said that he has now transcended into a whole new level of being.

“I have no physical limits, really. Having removed physicality from the equation, I am pure energy. A zero-fat, zero-weight energy. If light had weight, I wouldn’t have a problem either, as I am now also completely invisible,” he explained, soaring across the room freely.

“Having realised my ultimate dream, I feel no more pressure. I have absolutely nothing more to lose. I feel as if this burden has been lifted off my shoulders.

“That is, if I had shoulders,” he ended the interview, laughing happily.

11 Comments

Filed under Features, Lifestyle, Showbiz

Grammy Awards to install anti-Kanye defence system

HOLLYWOOD, CA — Organisers of the 52nd Grammy Awards today announced that they have fully implemented an anti-Kanye West defence system, to avoid any untoward incident similar to the one at the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards, where the singer-songwriter rudely interrupted the acceptance speech by young winner Taylor Swift, claiming that his friend, superstar Beyonce was more deserving of the VMA Best Female Video award.

“I think one occasion where a pretty and innocent girl’s dream gets horribly ruined is enough,” said Allan Silverstein, spokesperson for the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences (NARAS), the organisation behind the annual awards show, arguably music industry’s most illustrious event, to be held this weekend. “We all saw the unfortunate and heartbreaking scene when Mr West violently took the microphone from Miss Swift and went about praising Miss Beyonce, and proclaiming that the latter deserved the MVA more. What a jackass.

CRUEL BASTARD: The evil Kanye interrupting sweet and innocent Taylor Swift's victory speech at the 2009 MVA

“Well we’re not about to let him do that again, especially at such an illustrious event. No siree. MTV may have benefited from that cheap and neanderthal display of machismo, but the Grammy Awards is more respectful.”

Silverstein explained that the anti-Kanye West defence system, codenamed “KrushKanye”, involves an extensive use of satellite tracking, biometric security, round-the-clock surveillance and other technologies originally developed to combat urban terrorism.

NO ESCAPE: The satellite tracking system, showing Kanye's real-time location

“We’re taking this very, very seriously, obviously,” said Silverstein, gesturing toward Kanye’s current location on screen. “Mr West is a pretty wily character. He knows we’re tracking him, and has attempted to go under the radar a couple of times.

“But thanks to the global network of military-class satellites and the undisclosed number of agents on the street, Kanye has no hope of escaping, really.

“As you can see here, he’s currently about a kilometre from the Staples Centre, where the event will be held, shown in the map circled in red. The guy’s been sniffing around for any way to get in this weekend, but all his efforts have so far been thwarted. Our security is airtight,” said Silverstein confidently.

“There’ll be a whole lot of very, very important guests at the event, and it is absolutely imperative that destructive and disruptive elements such as Kanye West is not allowed to get anywhere close to ground zero. Both Taylor Swift and Beyonce are again nominated for Record of The Year and Album of The Year, so we’re expecting things to heat up a little. Emotions will run high.

“But we want everyone to keep a lid on their excitement, so that deserving winners will get their chance at the glory on stage, without being cruelly interrupted, and robbed of their moment.

“We will be on our toes. This is the Grammy’s, for God’s sake. We cannot afford to have embarrassing moments at all. No Kanye, no Brüno, no ‘wardrobe malfunctions’. If we’re not careful, we’d have Mr West mooning everybody as Celine Dion’s singing a tribute to Michael Jackson. That’d be disastrous.

AIRTIGHT: Silverstein (standing) showing the multi-million dollar "KrushKanye" system

“Our eyes are everywhere. That slimebucket won’t get within 100 yards from the premises. If he does, our security teams, comprising trained black ops personnel who’ve done time in Iraq and Afghanistan, will turn him away. Whether they’ll do it nicely or by force, that’ll be Mr West’s choice,” said Silverstein, sternly.

“And if — and that’s a BIG if — he still gets through our security net and our multi-million dollar technology, then we’ve got one last weapon to deal with him. I can’t specify here, as it’s all a big military secret.

“But let’s just say satellites aren’t just built to observe from the sky… and the US military has been toying around with intensified ultra-accurate laser cannons the last few years.”

1 Comment

Filed under Showbiz, World News

Mawi honoured to take Beyonce’s place

KUALA LUMPUR — Pop megastar Mawi said he was delighted to be performing in place of US singer Beyonce Knowles, who inexplicably postponed her concert at the Bukit Jalil National Stadium tomorrow.

Calling the opportunity ‘an honour’, Mawi said that he would try to carry Miss Knowles’ songs to the best of his ability, and that he would strive to “bring the Beyonce experience to her fans” in any way possible, including dressing up like her.

MAWI: "You won't be able to tell the difference."

MAWI: "You won't be able to tell the difference."

“When organisers Marctensia approached me to do this, I was shocked, naturally,” said the lad, who rose to instant superstardom after winning the Akademi Fantasia talent search reality show a few years ago. “I thought, they’ve got to be kidding — I mean, Miss B”s music is so different from the kind I usually make. And our performances differ so much.

“But I figured, this was a rezeki to me, and it’s not good to ‘tolak rezeki’ (say no to good fortune), so I took it as a challenge and said ‘yes’.”

Mawi added that he’ll be busy rehearsing for the show the whole day today.

“I’ve got to not only memorise the lines from Beyonce’s latest songs, including that fabulous hit, Halo, but all her dance steps as well,” he said, looking concerned. “But I believe my experience in Akademi Fantasia has taught me how to prepare for a live show in the shortest time. I’ll be ready tomorrow,” as he twirled and shook his booty suggestively.

When asked how he would be dressed and made up to look like Miss Knowles, Mawi said that he wasn’t worried.

“Beyonce and I already share the same facial structure,” he said, pointing to his cheekbones and chin. “And our eyes are equally attractive — although I might add that mine are more luscious.

“So all it takes for me to flawlessly transform into her is a good wig, massive waxing and a hot costume. I mean, I’ve been waiting for the opportunity to show off my delicious cleavage and smooth, silky legs,” Mawi said, winking, probably hinting to his Silky Men spokesperson deal.

When asked what his wife Ekin thought of the Beyonce concert, Mawi said that she was very supportive.

“Initially Ekin was quite sad with her not coming, being a big Beyonce fan and all. But when she heard the news that I was taking the spot at the concert tomorrow, she was ecstatic, almost hysterically happy.

“In fact, I believe she’s still laughing now.”

Catch Mawi, as Beyonce, at the Bukit Jalil National Stadium tomorrow. Gates open at 6pm.

6 Comments

Filed under National News, Showbiz, World News