Category Archives: Science & Technology

Scientists: Mysterious large hole in Siberia is Earth’s bunghole

RUSSIAN FEDERATION: A group of scientists have found that the mysterious black hole which appeared suddenly near Yamal, in the northern region of Siberia, was actually the planet’s fart-tunnel.

GAS ALERT: Scientists have confirmed that mysterious hole is Earth's bum cavity

GAS ALERT: Scientists have confirmed that mysterious hole is Earth’s bum cavity

According to Professor Dr Dmitri Igunov, head researcher at the University of Tobolsk’s geology department, the 260-foot hole, discovered recently by a cameraman on board a helicopter which passed over the formation, was a natural phenomenon that served as Earth’s avenue to excrete waste and excess gas.

“I’ve often said that Earth, as a living planet, is very similar to any other living organism,” said Dr Igunov, looking over his team of 8 geologists surveying the site. “And just like any animal, the planet also has to have a bunghole to enable her to pass gas and other waste products.”

Dr Igunov explained that the crater-like black hole was the ‘end of an intricate system of planetary intestines’.

“I would call it a ‘cavity’ instead of a cave, and this is one hole you wouldn’t want to explore or go splunking in. In mother Earth’s innards, you will find all the things you would normally find in any animal belly — food being processed and digested, toxic gas being spewed.. the usual stuff. The results of our study and indications from our sensitive geological equipment have confirmed that this isn’t a normal sinkhole or cave system. It is indeed, an arse,” said the researcher, who added that this was the first time in history that anyone has seen Earth’s butt.

Asked why the Earth-butt was located in the northern part of the planet and not the southern hemisphere which would more appropriately be considered the ‘bottom’, Dr Igunov said that due to the planet’s spheric shape and physical detachment to any other celestial body, the concept of ‘top’ or ‘bottom’ does not apply.

HOLE-Y DISCOVERY: Dr Igunov at the edge of the planet's endhole

HOLE-Y DISCOVERY: Dr Igunov at the edge of the planet’s endhole

“It’s silly to think that a ball has a top or bottom, is it not? We only consider ‘north’ to point upwards and ‘south’ to point downwards because somebody decided to do so a long time ago. It was a convention, not a fact,” Dr Igunov argued. “In fact, the position of our own ‘bottom’ is completely dependent on our body’s overall position and angle, correct? When we’re sleeping on our backs, our bottoms would be at the lowest point, however, if we were to flip over, then our butts would be at the highest point, would it not?

“So who are we to say that the planet’s butt cannot be ‘up’ here in the north of Siberia?”

Dr Igunov additionally dismissed claims that the giant hole had extraterrestrial origins.

“For goodness sake, this is science, not some fantasy! While as a scientist, I cannot deny the possibility of the existence of otherworldly beings, I can safely say that this giant hole here is nothing but Earth’s private backside part. I don’t understand why it’s so hard to accept that. If you were to hear about animals and humans not having a bunghole to expel their waste products, it would be very strange. Why can’t the planet have one too?”

The researcher also took the opportunity to warn would-be tourists to stay away from the hole.

“Look, ‘Yamal’ in Siberian language means ‘End of the World’, so that explains the hole’s function, and kind of serves as a warning to anyone foolish enough to want to dive in. So far, our sensors have not detected any impending discharges anytime soon, but believe me, everyone farts and poops. You wouldn’t want to be here when that happens.

“Now please, we don’t have much time, let my team and I continue with our anal-ysis,” he said, laughing at his own scientist-toilet joke.

 

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Selangor denies water has heavy metals; only pop rock, R&B

SHAH ALAM — The Selangor state government has slammed a news report by the New Straits Times yesterday which claimed that water from unused mining pools being channeled into the state’s water supply contained unsafe levels of toxic heavy metals.

LOUD LIQUID: Selangor has denied the presence of heavy metals in its water supply

LOUD LIQUID: Selangor has denied the presence of heavy metals in its water supply

According to the front page report by the NST, an independent analysis of water samples taken from these mining ponds showed high content of hard metal, which it stated was above safe limits and hazardous to health.

In a press conference here today, state Youth, Sports, Infrastructure and Public Amenities committee chairman Dr Ahmad Yunus Hairi said the daily’s allegation was incorrect, as tests done by the Selangor Water Management Board (LUAS) showed no traces of heavy metals, but instead only had pleasant levels of pop rock, rhythm & blues and hints of reggae.

“We vehemently dispute NST’s erroneous report of the presence of heavy metals or any other types of corrosive music genres in our water supply,” said Dr Ahmad furiously. “We are here to deny their claim of traces of Slayer, Black Sabbath, Motorhead and Megadeth in the water — we find it laughable and irresponsible. Do they even know what heavy metal sounds like?”

Dr Ahmad said that repeated tests done by independent water experts and music producers commissioned by LUAS have confirmed that water from the unused mining pools being pumped into Sungai Selangor only contained music genres safe for families.

“Tell me something, would you consider Pixie Lott songs ‘heavy metal’? Or One Direction? Our comprehensive tests, involving over 200 samples taken at different times of day, locations and depths have only uncovered music that are too safe even to get PG-13 rating,” he said, as LUAS Director Tuan Md Khairi Selamat nodded in agreement. “If these so-called investigative journalists and editors are NST feel that Taylor Swift or John Legend is hard metal and dangerous for consumers, then I don’t know what else to say.”

HARDLY HEAVY: Dr Ahmad (left) and Tuan Md Khairi showing the test results done by LUAS

HARDLY HEAVY: Dr Ahmad (left) and Tuan Md Khairi showing the test results done by LUAS

 

“Luas, together with the Selangor State Health Department have been conducting sampling on all alternative water sources since 2011,” said Khairi. “Analysis on alternative water samples was conducted by the Malaysian Chemistry Department and Jabatan Kebudayaan Selangor, and we found the water in the mining pools to be safe for consumption.”

After giving an impromptu humming performance of John Legend’s ‘All Of Me’, Dr Ahmad said that other than pop rock and R&B, negligible traces of reggae had been found, but it was ‘not a cause for concern’.

“Yes, I do agree that reggae is often associated with the use of weed, but science has never proven that there is a direct correlation between the music genre and the consumption of the narcotic,” he said, pointing to a chart showing a small picture of Bob Marley. “Besides — without alluding to any opinions whether my own or that of the state government — limited legalised use of marijuana is being experimented in parts of the US and Europe, so I wouldn’t say that science has conclusively found the plant dangerous to health.

“So we hereby challenge our critics, especially the New Straits Times, to prove us wrong,” he said. “We’re giving them 48 hours to bring us the evidence, or make a formal apology and correction.

“In fact, let’s do a music showdown — we’ll bring our music experts from our Jabatan Kebudayaan, and you bring your entertainment editors and music critics, we’ll see who’s right, and who’ll drink the humble water.”

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Scientists reclassify rempits as brainless organisms

KUALA LUMPUR — Leading zoologists in Malaysia have reached a consensus to reclassify the Mat Rempit as a new species, following extensive studies that found no trace of any brain matter in their heads, other than small clumps of ganglia that control their basic motor and reproductive functions.

NEW SPECIES: The rempitus moronicus is now in the same group as other brainless animals such as the sponge, jellyfish and clams

NEW SPECIES: The rempitus moronicus is now in the same group as other brainless animals such as the sponge, jellyfish and clams

Speaking at a biology conference in University of Malaya today, chairman of the Malaysian Association of Zoological Sciences Datuk Dr Ismail Masaran said that the mat rempit, or new scientific name rempitus moronicus, are in the same group as the sponge (the porifera phylum), the starfish (echinoderms), jellyfish (cnidarians) and common shellfish such as molluscs and clams.

“It is truly an exciting day for us,” said Dr Ismail as he revealed key findings from the studies. “After decades of miscategorisation that caused so much confusion in the zoological community, finally we have a more complete and clear understanding of this beautiful creature. Our discovery of the rempit’s brainlessness has provided much needed explanation for this species’ idiotic behaviour on the road and complete disregard for personal safety as well as that of other road users.”

Explaining the multi-university team’s RM7 million research that began four years ago, Dr Ismail said that the results were much more than they had anticipated. “Initially we wanted to know why the rempit — then erroneously treated as part of the homo sapien family — displayed many behaviours which were unnatural to human beings, such as performing unnecessarily dangerous stunts, aversion to safety tools like helmets as well as violent allergy to good manners and common sensibilities. We were mystified by the way these beasts showed no interest in the preservation of their own lives and limbs.

“Our first hypothesis was focused on psychology; we thought there was something wrong with them psychologically. However, through 3D scans done on their heads, we found that the abnormality is actually physiological — they’re just different creatures altogether,” said Dr Ismail. “We wanted to observe the neurons firing when they’re exposed to different stimuli, but when we saw the scan, there was virtually nothing there but empty space. They’re apparently just built like that.”

Dr Ismail said that to know more, the team decided to conduct a physical examination.

“It was quite challenging to do a physical invasive examination,” said Dr Ismail. “Rempits are mostly nocturnal and are quite elusive creatures, so a good sample was hard to come by.

“Fortunately, we were able to secure some sample rempits — one male ‘Mat’ Rempit and one female ‘Minah’ rempit from hospitals in Selayang and Klang, so we cut them open. The first thing we noticed was how thick the skulls of these rempits are,” said Dr Ismail, as other researchers in the team nodded in agreement. “The skull wall was so thick there was hardly any room inside for a brain, even if the rempits wanted to have one. In a way, this explains why some of them are so relaxed about wearing safety helmets — other than the skull being so strong, there is really nothing valuable inside to protect.”

FULL YET EMPTY: Head scan of a rempit sample

FULL YET EMPTY: Head scan of a rempit sample

The lead researcher concluded that the newly discovered species’s lack of brains is both a curse and a blessing.

“On one hand, their inability to make intelligent decisions and tendency to risk their lives unnecessarily have made road accidents almost a natural, expected thing amongst the rempit community. It’s a cruel fate, but it’s nature’s way of controlling their population — by letting them kill themselves. But on the other hand, their lack of intellectual capabilities means they make their decisions based on impulse — and we all know what’s the strongest impulse for this kind of wild animal.

“Other than behaving like complete idiots on the road, they just end up doing nothing but breed. So I guess it evens out.”

Dr Ismail said that this new reclassification has had an impact in how authorities deal with the species.

“We shared our research with the authorities. As a result, the police has handed over the role of regulating these creatures to the Wildlife Department. The forest rangers will take care of the species welfare and habitat, as well as controlling their migration pattern. To maintain a balance in the ecosystem, their interaction with other species — especially with human beings — will have to be monitored, considering their destructive behaviour.

BETTER REGULATED: Thanks to the reclassification, now rempits are regulated by the Wildlife Dept, here shown directing a herd of rempit in their nightly migration

BETTER REGULATED: Thanks to the reclassification, now rempits are regulated by the Wildlife Dept, here shown directing a herd of rempit in their nightly migration

“Should their numbers be too high, I would recommend effective population control methods such as neutering and in extreme cases, culling.”

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Bird expert: Kajang by-election winner could go extinct

KUALA LUMPUR — Winning the Kajang by-election could spell political doom for the victor, a leading ornithologist (expert on birds) said today.

According to Dr Bulleau Plëpha, head zoologist the Max Planck Institute for Ornithology, the signs are clearly showing that contesting in the Selangor state constituency was a bad idea, and even if one wins the fight, his career will not take flight.

Cautioning Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim (PKR) and anyone else planning to nominate themselves for the N25 ADUN seat, Dr Plëpha said his assessment was based on the fact that the shape of the Kajang constituency is too similar to the dodo bird (Raphus Cucullatus), an extinct flightless bird that was endemic to the island of Mauritius.

RISKY CONTEST: Kajang could spell political extinction to the victor

RISKY CONTEST: Kajang could spell political extinction to the victor

“The similarity just cannot be ignored,” said Dr Plëpha. “Look at them both … Kajang looks like a silhouette of the dodo, looking up to the sky reflecting on its own sad demise. This scientific deduction can only mean one thing — winning the N25 seat will not augur well for the victor’s political ambitions!”

Dr Plëpha added that the dodo’s lack of fear of humans was the reason it was so easy to be captured and killed. “Some people say it was intrepidness that caused the Raphus Cucullatus’ extinction. It had no issues with fraternising with other species which were their own predators. Fearlessness? I’d say it was foolishness!

“And likewise, trying to ‘win’ this dodo-inspired constituency would be an act of foolishness and political suicide!”

The Kajang state seat fell vacant following the resignation of incumbent assemblymen Lee Chin Cheh of PKR on Jan 27. The Election Commission has announced that it would meet on February 5 to discuss the nomination and polling dates. The state seat comprises 38,965 registered voters. At the last general election in May, 2013, the seat saw a voter turnout of 87.9% with 541 spoilt votes. It has 48% Malay voters, Chinese 41%, Indian 10% and others 1%. In the 2013 general election PKR’s Lee garnered 19,571 votes followed by Lee Ban Seng (Barisan Nasional-MCA) with 12,747 votes and Mohamad Ismail (Berjasa) 1,014 votes.

Dr Plëpha offered his advice to interested contenders: “Should you feel the need to contest in that dodo danger-zone, keep your expectations low. It’s not a thriving place for any bird or fowl, what with Kajang being famous for its chicken satay. Your political outlook may just be similar.”

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Haze blamed on too much bullshit

KUALA LUMPUR — Scientists have confirmed that the thick haze engulfing parts of the Klang Valley is caused by the massive amount of lies, empty promises and misrepresentations generated by different parties in society.

NAUSEATING: The bullshit-caused haze enveloping the city

“It’s really all BS,” said Prof. Kamisah Mat Bahrom, lead researcher at Universiti Malaya’s Institut Penyelidikan Alam Sekitar dan Pencemaran. “The plumes of toxic, nauseating smoke that permeate every crevice in the city are a direct result — nay, direct product — of the crap coming out of people’s mouths, especially politicians and the media from all sides, plus quick-rich scheme con artists.

“For years, we were under the impression that the haze is caused by the dry spell exacerbated by ‘hot spots’ of open burning in Indonesia,” said Prof Kamisah. “In actuality, while the fires do contribute to the smoke we breathe every day, most of it is just filthy, unadulterated hot air coming from dishonest mouths and mouthpieces. If you think about it, it’s quite disgusting, not to mention downright unhygienic.”

She continued, “From empty election promises, slander and exaggerated descriptions by politicians, from one-sided media reporting from all sides of the many divides, the obvious bullshit spewed by individuals with fancy titles selling alternative medicines, ingenious solutions to virtually any problem and the moronic stuff said by some so-called celebrities in the rags, it’s amazing how Malaysians have tolerated such crap for such a long time. Bullshit should be a national heritage.”

Prof. Kamisah said that the findings were derived from a project initiated in 2004 that measured and analysed the almost annual occurrence afflicting Klang Valley and at times, the whole country.

“Our team, working with the some international environmental bodies, placed sensors all over Malaysia to collect the polluted air, to merely confirm our hypothesis that the haze is caused by irresponsible open burning. However, beginning 2006, while the satellite images showed that the hot spots around the region did contribute to the smog, we noticed that the samples did not resemble any type of smoke typically originating from forest or agricultural land clearing fires. That was when we expanded our research to find the root cause.”

The researcher said that after 6 years scouring the data, the team reached their conclusion.

“We were, of course, surprised by our findings,” said Prof. Kamisah. “While we’ve all been used to listening to bullshit, horsecrap and hot air coming out of politicians, con artists and the different media, we didn’t think it would be anything that would affect our health. But the research says it all, bullshit kills!” she said angrily, showing the reams of data and charts validating her claim.

“Sadly we cannot reduce the amount or quality of bullshit the country produces every day,” she continued, looking forlorn. “However, our team recommends a two-prong approach to tackling the situation — Protect and Repurpose.

PROTECT: Our young must be educated to filter the dirty bullcrap, validate the information and form their own truths and opinions

“By ‘Protect’, we need to somehow inculcate in our population, especially the young, that they shouldn’t believe everything they hear, see or read. In addition to proper face masks to filter the polluted air, they need to be educated to sift the truths, half-truths and the complete bull dung when dealing with the daily load of ‘news’, ‘advice’ and ‘opinions’ by people especially public figures. They need to be critical and analytical, so that they’re not easily swayed and used like some herd of cows,” said the researcher animatedly.

“And secondly, since we cannot reduce the production of bullshit-induced haze, my team suggests that we use it as an alternative and sustainable energy source. I mean, our nation produces at least 750 million tonnes of bullshit annually, it’d be a waste and even irresponsible to let it dissipate back to nature.”

Prof. Kamisah then showed an artist’s rendition of the “BS reactor”, a large vacuum suction connected to a series of underground facilities that could process the BS-haze and turn it into electrical energy.

REPURPOSE: The team’s proposed BS-haze vacuum hole connected to underground energy reactors

“Our international partners and our institute have put together a grand plan to build 30 such vacuum holes all around the city. We believe that at full mobilisation, the new BS-haze energy could not only contribute significantly to our energy needs and reduce our reliance on coal-based power plants, it can even be exported to our neighbours, creating wealth for our country.

“It may not be ‘clean energy’, what with the dirty lies and horse shit. But it is green, abundant, and absolutely safe. This will be Malaysia’s legacy to mother earth.”

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Anwar: PR to field lab-grown perfect candidates for GE13

KELANA JAYA — Opposition leader Dato’ Seri Anwar Ibrahim today announced that Pakatan Rakyat will be fielding their ultimate weapon against the Barisan Nasional incumbents in their fight for Putrajaya — perfect election candidates with the necessary physical features, principles and values expected by all voters in each constituency.

THE BEST INGREDIENTS: Pakatan will field the perfect candidates for GE13

Speaking at a Press conference at the Parti Keadilan Rakyat headquarters, Anwar said that the candidates, grown in secret labs in the past five years, were designed to ‘be everything to everyone’, solving the ultimate challenge faced by politicians of not being able to make every single voter happy.

“We’ve learned from 2008 that we can’t just pick any Tom, Dick and Harry to run for us. The candidates, codenamed PERWARAK for ‘Perfect Wakil Rakyats’, will obliterate BN and end their reign of domination,” declared Anwar, as his lieutenants nodded confidently. “We harnessed the DNAs from our best specimens, cultivated the seeds in petri dishes five years ago and the clones were accelerated into adulthood via our patented GenoXcell™ technology, all ready for the 13th General Elections.

“The 1,000 units — 500 males and 500 females — have matured, and each of them is now in the process of being programmed with the expected knowledge, skillset and political outlook appropriate to the locality he or she will represent. The BN fools are mere natural humans with countless imperfections — they are no match for our flawless candidates!” said the enthusiastic former Deputy Prime Minister, met by the joyous roar of his supporters.

Anwar said that the PERWARAKs embodied the best of Malaysia, and have been shaped to appeal to each voter in their appearance and substance. “The candidates, model XT-43, which are a much improved version of our XT-35 model we tested at one of the by-elections in 2010, were designed to encapsulate the best facial and physical features of the Malays, Chinese, Indians and other races within the country. We even threw in some Scandinavian, African and Latin features in, just to perfect the blend and make them ‘glocal’,” he said, while handing out some mugshots of the candidates. “Perfectly beautiful, aren’t they?”

PERFECTION-PROGRAMMED: The facial construction software for the XT-43 is able to create the ideal candidate for each constituency

Anwar pointed out that the features can be tailor-made to please the individual constituency. “For example, in a really urban area where young, trendy voters expect to be represented by one of their own, our candidate can be made to look vibrant, young, tanned and metrosexual. Even the hair can be programmed to be slightly brownish, or mauve, to have that slight hint of modernity. In constituencies with high concentration of more aged population or conservative voters, our candidate will be programmed to be older, perhaps more pudgy to give the impression of ‘experienced’ and ‘trustworthy’. His hair can be slightly thinner and splashed with some silver highlights,” said Anwar, jokingly gesturing towards his own crop, to the delight of those present. “The point is, everything will be programmed pre-election, so it will be completely natural.”

As for the personality, character and skillset of each PERWARAK, Anwar said that the candidates have been fitted with some common core directives and software, in addition to the unique, localised programming. “Yes, candidates in Kelantan will be speaking in Kelate, and the ones sent to Terengganu will be all Ganu Kita,” joked the charismatic leader. “However, each candidate is hard-wired to be honest, passionate, caring, loyal and completely dedicated to the needs of the Rakyat. Of course, they’re also pre-programmed to be loyal to the Pakatan Rakyat coalition,” he said, sternly. “We wouldn’t want any party-hopping now, do we?”

To stress his point, Anwar said that the PERWARAKs have been designed to abhor corruption and bribery. “Their basic Operating System does not recognise the value of greed and self-glory. So BN can forget about buying them over. They’re completely bribe-proof. In fact, each candidate have been fixed with a self-destruct device which would be enabled if they even consider being a turncoat.

“But don’t worry, the self-destruct process is fully internal — they’re not going to blow up in public or something,” said Anwar, referring in jest to the XT-35 model whose head exploded in a crowded area, injuring five bystanders after thinking about changing camps in Perak two years ago. “This time, any ‘defective’ candidate will just have their internal organs disintegrate quietly, so the public is completely safe.

“And talking about safe, the candidates are also designed to not die without justification. We’ve had enough inconvenience of by-elections triggered by the deaths of MPs and ADUNs, so our PERWARAK batteries are perpetual-powered. They’ll last virtually forever, or until the next model comes out.”

When asked what would happen to all the ‘natural human’ candidates within Pakatan Rakyat when the PERWARAKs take their jobs, especially the Prime Minster position, Anwar said that these are sacrifices PR leaders are willing to make for the benefit of the rakyats. “We’ll take the back seat of the country’s administration and let the perfect YBs do the work. They have all the necessary qualities to do a great job, so we can depend on them. And if they don’t, we’ll just turn them off remotely.

“They may be sitting in the EXCOs and Parliament, but we’re still their boss. So they’re kinda like ‘Wakil kepada Wakil Rakyat’ (representatives to the representatives). It’s a win-win situation — the PERWARAKs will be running around solving the country’s problems, while we’ll run the country from the comfort of ur homes,” said Anwar. “We’re all about balance, so quality family time is very important to us.”

BN chairman Prime Minister YAB Dato’ Seri Mohd Najib Razak declined to comment on the latest development, however an unnamed source within the coalition confirmed that they were working on a technology to counter the PERWARAKs, including the use of high intensity Electro-Magnetic (EM) disruptor guns to crack through their firewall, disable their software and render them useless. “Yeah, they’ll still be the good looking, perfect glocal-global-whatever-featured specimens, but imagine them just standing there at the podium, unable to deliver their speeches, looking like complete idiots. That’ll be entertaining,” said the source.

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DRB-HICOM appoints Proton Inspira as Proton CEO

**SATIRE, PARODY, UNTRUE. Just a joke, folks**

SHAH ALAM — DRB-HICOM Bhd today announced the appointment of an artificial intelligence-enhanced Proton Inspira 2.0 as Proton Holdings Bhd’s new chief executive officer, following the investment conglomerate acquiring the carmaker a few weeks ago.

KHAMIL: Inspira knows the product more than anyone

At the announcement ceremony, DRB-HICOM group managing director Datuk Seri Mohd Khamil Jamil said that the parent company had made the perfect choice in putting the fate of the national automaker in the hands of a car they had built.

“DRB-HICOM has always maintained that we cannot afford to appoint just about anybody, especially those not from the auto industry. We’d want the new Proton CEO to really know the product. And who would know cars better than a car?” said Khamil at the Press conference, as the Inspira, serial number 3765-210-0444-IQ57 looked on, its red ‘Knight Rider’-inspired sensor light swooshing calmly on its grille.

“Throughout Proton’s almost 3 decades of operation, humans have called the shots,” Khamil continued. “And as the company enters a crucial chapter, where the stakes are higher and global competition is getting stiff, we cannot afford to risk human error. Inspira here will be able to make logical, objective and heartless decisions that would benefit the company and the cars it produces, free from emotions or political pressure,” said Khamil, as the new CEO scanned the faces of all the journalists in the conference hall, the supercomputer under the hood buzzing menacingly. “This is a car business, and it’s best to leave the hard decisions to those in the business.”

Khamil then proceeded to explain to the reporters the characters of the new CEO.

INSPIRING CHOICE: New CEO Inspira at the event

“The CEO started as an ordinary production car, of course. It was assembled just like any other Inspiras out there,” said Khamil. “But we picked the best one from the assembly line, and added on a few things that would make it functional in the boardroom as well as the highway.

“The AI is top of the line. Developed right here in the Proton Centre of Excellence by local programmers, the neural network sits in a Cray-XK7 supercomputer with multiple-core processors,” said Khamil, proudly showing the processor-infused engine bay. “We spared no expense. We wanted the very best leader for Proton, one who could carry the weight of the nation’s expectations.”

Responding to a reporter’s question about appointing a non-Malaysian as head of a Government-linked company, what with the Inspira model originating as a Mitsubishi Lancer GT, Khamil said that the Inspira was only ‘inspired’ by the Japanese automaker’s model, not an exact copy. “To say that the Inspira is Japanese is like calling a Malaysian who graduated from Harvard University an American! That would be very silly,” he retorted, to the laughter from the audience. “We are proud of the CEO’s Malaysian heritage and spirit, and have no doubt about its loyalty.”

Additionally, Khamil would not confirm or deny rumours of DRB-HICOM appointing other cars from Proton’s model lineup in the management.

“Let’s start small, ladies and gentlemen,” he said. “As it is, we’ll be the first company in the world that has a non-human as CEO. While we celebrate our innovative step today, we should take baby steps into the next phase. Our expectations are high, but who knows, if the Inspira performs well, we’ll be seeing the Satria Neo as COO, Saga as CFO and Exora in charge of marketing?” said Khamil, as the current human being management team looked on nervously.

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World finds out 11:11:11 11-11-11 just a bunch of dumb numbers

WORLD — Roughly 7 billion people around planet Earth today realised that despite the hype and sentimental bullshit, 11:11:11 11-11-11, the stylised expression of 11:11:11am, 11 November 2011, is just a stupid point in time, with no significance whatsoever to anything important. To the disappointment of the world’s population, the moment came and went without anything remotely remarkable happening.

The Moment, captured in perpetuality without any significance

“Shit, man. I was hoping something big happened,” said Mbutu Kwambe, a 35-year-old trader in Zimbabwe’s capital city, Harare. “I waited outside, with my laptop and TV on, to see if any alien would appear to take over the planet or if Armageddon would happen. Zilch. What a waste of good numbers.”

Li Shan, 47 from Shanghai agreed. “I took the day off from my accounting job to fully immerse myself in the moment. I mean, this supposedly significant number only happens every hundred years or something. It’s bigger than the eclipse of the sun, or even the near-miss of some potentially harmful comet! But what the hell, man. My poop this morning was more eventful.”

At the United Nations headquarters, leaders of the world voiced their dissatisfaction that none of the UN members did anything big to ensure that the moment would be celebrated next year onwards.

“From fuck’s sake, do I have to do everything around here?” said UN secretary general Ban Ki-Moon in disgust at a special session to address The Moment, right after the moment came and went. “Where are all the fireworks? The man-made disasters? Some significant event we’d be able to tie to The Moment and celebrate year after year? How come nobody invaded anybody? Or bombed the hell out of some city? We can’t just depend on North Korea to be the bad guy and do some newsworthy shit all the time!”

However, there were some small consolations for the World. Everywhere across the globe, couples were getting married, girlfriends were proposed to and wedding vows were remade at the precise moment the digital clock displayed the 1’s. Hopes were abound that perhaps, the digits would magically make the unions more significant and stronger than regular ones.

“My new husband and I officially became a family at 11:11:11 11-11-11!” said Regina Lim, a beaming bride from Kuala Lumpur, as the groom Ronald Chan looked on in mild amusement. “I know that being married at The Moment will ensure our happiness and longevity of our marriage. It’s such a magical and romantic moment!”

Mr Chan, when met privately later however said, “Sheesh, it’s such a pain. I mean, it’s Friday late morning — who the heck marries on a weekday? But she wanted it, so, being the doormat that I am, I let her have it.”

Asked whether he believed the significance of the Moment as much as his new wife, he said, “I don’t know. She’s so bossy and I’ve got a short temper. I want kids, she doesn’t. So as you can see, we’ve got some serious compatibility issues yet to be resolved. We’d be lucky to survive the next year.”

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James Cameron to produce 3D glasses for real world

HOLLYWOOD — After the immense success of his groundbreaking 3D sci-fi film Avatar, director James Cameron is currently working with cinematic 3D technology developer Dolby3D to bring that technology into the real world, to enable regular people to enjoy their real life surroundings in complete stereoscopic 3D, complete with 360-degree Dolby Surround Sound™.

Avatar was both an epic story and a technological leap,” said Cameron at the event announcing the collaboration. “While fans watched it for the story, I don’t have any doubt that the amazing and ultra-realistic 3-dimensional rendering of Pandora and its inhabitants contributed to the film’s success,” he continued, referring to the movie’s US$2 billion box office collection worldwide.

“People are definitely warming up to the idea of watching their movies and TV series in 3D,” he said enthusiastically. “And now we’re pushing the boundry even more.

CAMERON: Revolutionising reality itself

“Rather than settle with viewing movies and TV programmes in 3D, we thought, why not expand the viewing pleasure of 3D to the real world, where most people spend their waking hours?”

Cameron explained that, upon wearing the Really-Real-Reality™ 3D glasses (R3D3™), priced at US$499 for the battery-powered model and US$759 for the rechargeable model, wearers would be able to enjoy both 3-dimensional vision and complete, digital surround sound, as they look at their real world surroundings.

“From trees, buildings, objects and even other living things around the wearer, he would be able to see them in complete and ultra real 3D, just like in Avatar, as if he could reach out and touch them,” said Cameron. “I personally tried it on during testing, I was blown away. I saw a real car zooming towards me when I was crossing the intersection, and seeing it in 3D, I instinctly avoided it, as if it was really going to hit me! I couldn’t believe that our technology could produce something like this, a simple device that brings the realness of my movie, to reality. These things are amazing!”

Cameron, however, cautioned that the first experience wearing the R3D3 glasses could be difficult for some people.

“As with any new device or technology that alters human perception and connection with reality, the R3D3 glasses may cause nausea for certain people, expecially those with a pre-existing travel-sickness condition. In some cases, the wearer may not experience the 3D perception in their real surrounding, but would only percieve 2D, or even 1D.

“However, tests have found that the unpleasant experience is only temporary. In a couple of days, customers with those difficuties would be able to enjoy their real surrounding in complete 3D. But nevertheless, we’ve set up a team of support staff and a Hotline email, www.R3D3experience.com,  to cater to these teething and adaptation issues,” said Cameron confidently.

“Get ready to really experience the real world!”

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Scientists say everything online is true

THE INTERNET: Confirmed as 100% factually correct

FRANKFURT — A group of scientists from various universities in Europe has announced today that everything ever written, posted or uploaded on the internet is one hundred per cent true.

Speaking at a Press conference, University of West Frankfurt head of research Professor Eli Lansing said that the group of 30 scientists, specialising in communications, criminology, psychology, new media technology, physics and several other mildly related disciplines, had completed their exhaustive 8-year study on the contents found on the world wide web last February.

“Frankly we were quite surprised at the results,” said Prof Lansing, as his colleagues nodded in agreement. “Initially when we were commissioned to delve into the extremely vast universe that is cyberspace to find out the level of truthfulness in its contents, our mutual hypothesis was that most of the stuff written online were utter lies, or at least true stories generously embellished with inaccuracies and exaggeration.

PROF LANSING: Advocates trusting the net completely

“But after concluding our study, comprising interviews with online participants, excruciatingly complex supercomputer algorithms and detailed counterchecks with the world’s historical records and libraries, we found that virtually — nay, absolutely – all facts contained on the internet are indeed, true,” said Prof Lansing, matter-of-factly.

“Collectively, we are now advocating accepting everything there is on the net to be undeniable facts,” he continued. “We implore everyone on the planet to abandon and disregard all offline information such as reference journals, encyclopaedias and other such fictitious records, and get your stories online, where no one lies.

“In fact, we won’t be publishing our results in the conventional scientific journals, which everyone knows contain numerous errors and illogical assumptions. We will only publish our findings purely online, specifically, on our newly registered blog, www.theinternetisthetruth.blogspot.com. We want to only tell the truth, and online’s the only way for people to know that we’re not being dishonest.

“We urge everyone to no longer waste any time and effort to check the validity of any hearsay, rumour or story that is found online, because if it is from the net, then it’s naturally the truth,” said Prof Lansing. “Why bother cross-checking with other sources or grow suspicious? When science has proven beyond any reasonable doubt that no one can lie online?

“So, the next time you get a spam mail saying that you’ve inherited 32 billion dollars from a dead banker’s widow in Zimbabwe, you’d better respond immediately or risk losing the money. Imagine your life changing for the better as a billionaire! Or the next time you get a preachy chain email saying that if you don’t forward it to ten people, you’d suffer great misfortune, you’d better hit that forward button quick. Wouldn’t want to die horribly or go bankrupt simply because you’re too suspicious of well-meaning emails. Nobody wants to hurt anyone online, it’s completely safe.

“In fact, we hereby declare the term ‘internet hoax’ non-existent, as the very term is a fallacy. There is no such thing as untrue online content.

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