Category Archives: National News

Najib launches 1Shudduplawei! initiative to control officials

PUTRAJAYA — Amidst the recent controversies involving his ministers, officials and elected representatives of his coalition, Prime Minister Dato’ Sri Mohd Najib Tun Razak today announced the 1Shudduplawei! programme, as a sustainable solution to stop people in his administration and political coalition shooting their mouths off and bringing him unbearable pain.

FRUSTRATED: Najib hopes the initiative will put a stop to the idiocy

FRUSTRATED: Najib hopes the initiative will put a stop to the idiocy

Speaking at a Press conference at Perdana Putra, Najib said that the initiative was mooted to counter the negative flak his government has received after a series of foot-in-mouth incidents involving members of his administration and political party.

“The moment I read what Bung wrote after Germany’s thrashing of Brazil, I screamed to my laptop ‘Dammit, Bung! What the hell is wrong with you?? SHUDDUP LA WEI!!’,” said Najib, referring to Kinabatangan MP Datuk Bung Moktar’s twitter post praising Hitler in his distasteful celebration of Germany’s semi-final win over Brazil in the World Cup. His gaffe was also covered by international media such as CNN.

NOT FUNNY: Bung Moktar's tweet, which German Ambassador to Malaysia found offensive and 'intolerable'

NOT FUNNY: Bung Moktar’s tweet, which many found offensive and ‘intolerable’

“As if the Ku Nan Soup Kitchen mess was not enough lah, right?” he continued, clearly flustered by the unnecessary stress caused by the unwanted attention. “You know how many sleepless nights I had to endure thanks to these clowns? I work very, very hard to get people’s buy-in, going on nationwide roadshows to explain to the rakyat all my national transformation policies and how they and their children will benefit. I go around the world trying to convince world leaders to engage Malaysia in business and collaborations.

“And all it takes to undo all that is an idiotic, callous and irresponsible statement in 140 characters or less!” he added, referring to Twitter’s 140-character limit.

“So today, I say that is ENOUGH,” Najib pronounced. “The idiocy ends HERE, NO FURTHER!”

The 1Shudduplawei! initiative involves active censuring and censoring of government officials who cross the line, via demerit systems, pay-cuts, demotions and if need be, whipping at the backside or shoving off an airplane mid-flight.

“Frankly I am very tired of cleaning these people’s mess,” said Najib. “I have far better ways to spend my time.

“This programme will hopefully deter anybody in my team from shooting their mouths off and making voters or investors upset,” said the PM. “I am discussing with my scientific and medical advisors on possible methods of censoring, and words like ‘superglue lips’, ‘penectomy’ as well as ‘lobotomy’ are being thrown around. We’ll see the logistics.

“And I’ve already got a few other 1Malaysia-themed brands to label these methods,” he said, smiling and showing a brief flash of joy. “I’ve got ‘1Wallop’ for the time I get to personally plant a tight, nuclear-level slap on the offender’s face, ‘1Terajang’ for when I get really agitated and kick them off a plane or the top floor of KLCC, ‘1Potong’ for when I either cut their salary, their manhood, or cut them from my administration or party, and the scariest of all, ‘1Leter’, when I send them for a nice sounding by my better half. Ha, siap la diaorang…”

Najib said that the programme will come into effect after Hari Raya, when he will have more energy and can be less restrained to kick people’s butt.

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Selangor denies water has heavy metals; only pop rock, R&B

SHAH ALAM — The Selangor state government has slammed a news report by the New Straits Times yesterday which claimed that water from unused mining pools being channeled into the state’s water supply contained unsafe levels of toxic heavy metals.

LOUD LIQUID: Selangor has denied the presence of heavy metals in its water supply

LOUD LIQUID: Selangor has denied the presence of heavy metals in its water supply

According to the front page report by the NST, an independent analysis of water samples taken from these mining ponds showed high content of hard metal, which it stated was above safe limits and hazardous to health.

In a press conference here today, state Youth, Sports, Infrastructure and Public Amenities committee chairman Dr Ahmad Yunus Hairi said the daily’s allegation was incorrect, as tests done by the Selangor Water Management Board (LUAS) showed no traces of heavy metals, but instead only had pleasant levels of pop rock, rhythm & blues and hints of reggae.

“We vehemently dispute NST’s erroneous report of the presence of heavy metals or any other types of corrosive music genres in our water supply,” said Dr Ahmad furiously. “We are here to deny their claim of traces of Slayer, Black Sabbath, Motorhead and Megadeth in the water — we find it laughable and irresponsible. Do they even know what heavy metal sounds like?”

Dr Ahmad said that repeated tests done by independent water experts and music producers commissioned by LUAS have confirmed that water from the unused mining pools being pumped into Sungai Selangor only contained music genres safe for families.

“Tell me something, would you consider Pixie Lott songs ‘heavy metal’? Or One Direction? Our comprehensive tests, involving over 200 samples taken at different times of day, locations and depths have only uncovered music that are too safe even to get PG-13 rating,” he said, as LUAS Director Tuan Md Khairi Selamat nodded in agreement. “If these so-called investigative journalists and editors are NST feel that Taylor Swift or John Legend is hard metal and dangerous for consumers, then I don’t know what else to say.”

HARDLY HEAVY: Dr Ahmad (left) and Tuan Md Khairi showing the test results done by LUAS

HARDLY HEAVY: Dr Ahmad (left) and Tuan Md Khairi showing the test results done by LUAS

 

“Luas, together with the Selangor State Health Department have been conducting sampling on all alternative water sources since 2011,” said Khairi. “Analysis on alternative water samples was conducted by the Malaysian Chemistry Department and Jabatan Kebudayaan Selangor, and we found the water in the mining pools to be safe for consumption.”

After giving an impromptu humming performance of John Legend’s ‘All Of Me’, Dr Ahmad said that other than pop rock and R&B, negligible traces of reggae had been found, but it was ‘not a cause for concern’.

“Yes, I do agree that reggae is often associated with the use of weed, but science has never proven that there is a direct correlation between the music genre and the consumption of the narcotic,” he said, pointing to a chart showing a small picture of Bob Marley. “Besides — without alluding to any opinions whether my own or that of the state government — limited legalised use of marijuana is being experimented in parts of the US and Europe, so I wouldn’t say that science has conclusively found the plant dangerous to health.

“So we hereby challenge our critics, especially the New Straits Times, to prove us wrong,” he said. “We’re giving them 48 hours to bring us the evidence, or make a formal apology and correction.

“In fact, let’s do a music showdown — we’ll bring our music experts from our Jabatan Kebudayaan, and you bring your entertainment editors and music critics, we’ll see who’s right, and who’ll drink the humble water.”

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Lazy-ass parasite reprimanded by mom for celebrating Labour Day

IPOH, PERAK — Area man Kudin bin Kulopdin, 33, was severely reprimanded by his mother today for celebrating Labour Day, despite not doing anything remotely productive his entire life and feeding off other people to sustain his being, despite being of sound mind and having perfect health as well as fully functioning limbs.

Speaking from her home, Joyah binti Manjamon, 55, said that she felt thoroughly offended when her only child, who’s lived at her home since birth, casually wished her “Happy Labour Day” at the breakfast table while pouring milk over his bowl of Choco Pops.

“I suddenly felt a sharp pain at the bottom of my gut and a burst of rage in my chest when he uttered those words,” said Joyah, who works two jobs supporting herself and her useless piece of oxygen-sucking fat & meatbag, also known as her son. “I mean, for 33 long years, Kudin’s only participation in any form of ‘labour’ has been his own birth. He hardly deserves to even utter any celebratory wish during Labour Day, a sacred holiday to honour those who actually work to make a living. The child-man still thinks showering is hard work.”

HARD AT WORK: Kudin filling his time productively

HARD AT WORK: Kudin filling his time productively

Joyah pointed to the pile of comic books and boxes of bootleg Playstation games strewn around Kudin’s room and said, “This is Kudin’s contribution to the family, and to the world. Taking my hard-earned money and spending it on the nation’s economy via comic books, video games, branded clothings and fast food. He eats so much fast food I think he bleeds tomato sauce. Thank goodness he inherited my ex-husband’s skinny genes, or else I’ve got to also worry about his weight issues.

Joyah said that she blamed the man-boy’s father for turning him into such a lazy, entitled slob.

“We had issues conceiving, so when we got him, his father used to pamper him like a golden child, giving him anything he asked for and doing virtually everything for him,” Joyah reminisced painfully. “The old man used to tell me to wash the boy’s school shoes, do his homework and clean up after him all the way through high school. I was still spoonfeeding him lunch when he was 15! A few years ago his father even gave him a supplementary credit card, even though I tried to stop him. Of course he max-ed it out in a couple of weeks; by the time his father realised his error, the damage was done — and the old prick skipped town, leaving me to deal with this piece of crap of a human being who seems to be allergic to any form of physical activity other than those that please him. The other day I told him to take out the garbage as I was leaving for work, and when I got back I found the trashcan covered with a blanket. Serves me right for saying ‘I don’t want to see this garbage bag here when I get back’.”

Kudin, defending his actions — or his inactions — said that he merely is a product of his environment and upbringing.

“In the argument between Nature versus Nurture, I’m a proponent of the latter,” he said, sifting through the large pile of clothes, a mixture of dirty laundry and freshly clean ones, for his favourite Spongebob T-shirt. “You could say that I’m like this by choice, but I can tell you that I’m a victim of my circumstances. I’m simply unable to be an active participant in society or be gainfully employed because I was conditioned to be so,” said Kudin, adding that he believes it to be a medical condition, but was too lazy to Google any sort of scientific evidence to back his opinion.

He also said that his laziness has its plus points. “You might say I’m a burden to my mom and the country and that’s a bad thing, but I beg to differ,” he iterates, while checking his teeth in the mirror to see if he needed to brush them today. “Imagine my mom’s day without me around to give her purpose — she’d be bored and sad. I fill that vacuum in her heart and give her things to do to fill up her days. And as for the country — what would our welfare industry and social sector be without me providing the need to fill? And me not having a job only means some other people can take that job — am I not being self-sacrificing here?” adding that his ‘Happy Labour Day’ wish to his mom was sincere and felt slighted that it was misinterpreted.

Joyah admitted that she has been considering kicking the parasite out of the house or other options of liberating herself from her spawn. “Frankly I don’t know how long I can do this. I do love him, despite him being less useful than a lump of cowdung. But I’ve got my limits and at 55, I still have a chance to enjoy myself, traveling the world and discovering new things.

“I’ve been thinking of selling him on e-Bay, but I’ve been told you can’t do that, so see lah how.”

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Obama temporarily barred from Air Force One due to durian-breath

KUALA LUMPUR — US President Barack Obama, on-route to the Philippines after completing a 3-day visit to Malaysia, was denied entry into the presidential plane Air Force One by the Secret Service after his durian-tainted breath triggered the aircraft’s hazardous gas sensors.

Mr Obama, who had just enjoyed a large serving of the thorny fruit known for its pungent, strong smell yet delicious taste, was stopped by his own security personnel at the aircraft door and asked to return to his armoured limousine and taken to a nearby airport VIP lounge where he could ‘decontaminate’ his mouth.

A Secret Service spokeswoman said that this drastic measure was unusual, but needed to be taken for the safety of the entire plane, as the Asian fruit’s overwhelming smell, quoted by some as ‘reeking of garbage stink’, could overcome the other personnel and endanger the flight.

STRONG STOMACH: Obama being escorted away from Air Force One

STRONG STOMACH: Obama being escorted away from Air Force One

“We are truly sorry to do this to the Commander-in-Chief, but we have strict rules about toxic smells on our flights,” said the spokesperson who declined to be named. “Our job is to ensure the security of the president, but if he poses a danger to himself by consuming such thing, we have to make a stand.

“We can’t have our pilots or other staff suffocating just because Mr Obama says ‘Hi’ to them, unleashing the smell of hell unto them. Heck, I don’t think even our delicate electronic instruments could withstand such a rancid scent. A couple of his security details had to be taken to the emergency room just now when he flashed his grin at the crowd before we left the hotel,” she said.

“So, unless POTUS is willing to spend the entire flight to Manila wearing a biohazard suit, we simply cannot allow him on the plane. No way.”

NOT FOR EVERYONE: The 'musang king' durian

NOT FOR EVERYONE: The ‘musang king’ durian

Met at the lounge, Mr Obama said that he could not resist having a go at the durians he saw by the side of the road as his entourage drove by, as ‘it brought back happy memories of his growing up years in Indonesia’.

“I was just enjoying the ride, Skyping to Michelle and the kids when I saw it — a huge, beautiful pile of Musang King durian being sold by an old Chinese fellow,” said Obama, in between chewing spearmint gum and gargling Listerine vigorously. “Suddenly my head was filled with all those sweet times I spent with my buddies in my mom’s village just outside Jakarta in 1967. Jumping into rivers buck naked and picking fresh mangoes and rambutans at Farmer Wak Djomo’s orchard. His durians were just divine. Golly, I LOVE Malaysia!

“I’m sorry if I caused a few hours of delay, but look, I’m the Chief. I just had to get me some.”

The entourage made the impromptu pit stop where the president spent about half an hour eating 3 durians before continuing on his journey. The flight to Manila is expected to resume in six hours, after getting clearance from Hazmat personnel.

The durian seller, Mr Denny Lim, 67, said that while he was initially surprised by the VIP visit to his fruit stall, he felt honoured and glad to see a durian lover rediscovering his roots.

“At first I thought I was in trouble with polis one,” said Mr Lim. “The big black cars passed by with polis bike and all, then they all stopped and reversed. These big, big white men came and surrounded me, and then this black man came, bought 2 durians, squatted beside me and started opening them. He looked like he hadn’t had durians for years, so I kesian and gave him one free. I think okay lor, we must treat tourist very nice-nice one. Visit Malaysia Year what.

“But he paid with US dollars, I said I got no change in US dollar, so he told me to keep the 100 dollars,” said Mr Lim smiling.

While Mr Lim is happy with the president’s durian indulgence, it is said that some others may not be as pleased. According to some other unverified sources, the order to quarantine the president came all the way from Washington DC — the First Lady herself.

“She was on video chat with him when he made the decision to make the durian pit stop,” said the source. “He didn’t tell her why he had to drop her call all of a sudden, but she saw his face, and she knew. She had seen it before when the First Couple visited an Asian store in Texas last year and chanced upon a pack of frozen durians.

“She made the call to the Secret Service with specific instructions to ‘not let POTUS in the plane until he gets rid of that wretched breath’, and between offending the president or pissing off his wife, we knew the better option.”

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Scientists reclassify rempits as brainless organisms

KUALA LUMPUR — Leading zoologists in Malaysia have reached a consensus to reclassify the Mat Rempit as a new species, following extensive studies that found no trace of any brain matter in their heads, other than small clumps of ganglia that control their basic motor and reproductive functions.

NEW SPECIES: The rempitus moronicus is now in the same group as other brainless animals such as the sponge, jellyfish and clams

NEW SPECIES: The rempitus moronicus is now in the same group as other brainless animals such as the sponge, jellyfish and clams

Speaking at a biology conference in University of Malaya today, chairman of the Malaysian Association of Zoological Sciences Datuk Dr Ismail Masaran said that the mat rempit, or new scientific name rempitus moronicus, are in the same group as the sponge (the porifera phylum), the starfish (echinoderms), jellyfish (cnidarians) and common shellfish such as molluscs and clams.

“It is truly an exciting day for us,” said Dr Ismail as he revealed key findings from the studies. “After decades of miscategorisation that caused so much confusion in the zoological community, finally we have a more complete and clear understanding of this beautiful creature. Our discovery of the rempit’s brainlessness has provided much needed explanation for this species’ idiotic behaviour on the road and complete disregard for personal safety as well as that of other road users.”

Explaining the multi-university team’s RM7 million research that began four years ago, Dr Ismail said that the results were much more than they had anticipated. “Initially we wanted to know why the rempit — then erroneously treated as part of the homo sapien family — displayed many behaviours which were unnatural to human beings, such as performing unnecessarily dangerous stunts, aversion to safety tools like helmets as well as violent allergy to good manners and common sensibilities. We were mystified by the way these beasts showed no interest in the preservation of their own lives and limbs.

“Our first hypothesis was focused on psychology; we thought there was something wrong with them psychologically. However, through 3D scans done on their heads, we found that the abnormality is actually physiological — they’re just different creatures altogether,” said Dr Ismail. “We wanted to observe the neurons firing when they’re exposed to different stimuli, but when we saw the scan, there was virtually nothing there but empty space. They’re apparently just built like that.”

Dr Ismail said that to know more, the team decided to conduct a physical examination.

“It was quite challenging to do a physical invasive examination,” said Dr Ismail. “Rempits are mostly nocturnal and are quite elusive creatures, so a good sample was hard to come by.

“Fortunately, we were able to secure some sample rempits — one male ‘Mat’ Rempit and one female ‘Minah’ rempit from hospitals in Selayang and Klang, so we cut them open. The first thing we noticed was how thick the skulls of these rempits are,” said Dr Ismail, as other researchers in the team nodded in agreement. “The skull wall was so thick there was hardly any room inside for a brain, even if the rempits wanted to have one. In a way, this explains why some of them are so relaxed about wearing safety helmets — other than the skull being so strong, there is really nothing valuable inside to protect.”

FULL YET EMPTY: Head scan of a rempit sample

FULL YET EMPTY: Head scan of a rempit sample

The lead researcher concluded that the newly discovered species’s lack of brains is both a curse and a blessing.

“On one hand, their inability to make intelligent decisions and tendency to risk their lives unnecessarily have made road accidents almost a natural, expected thing amongst the rempit community. It’s a cruel fate, but it’s nature’s way of controlling their population — by letting them kill themselves. But on the other hand, their lack of intellectual capabilities means they make their decisions based on impulse — and we all know what’s the strongest impulse for this kind of wild animal.

“Other than behaving like complete idiots on the road, they just end up doing nothing but breed. So I guess it evens out.”

Dr Ismail said that this new reclassification has had an impact in how authorities deal with the species.

“We shared our research with the authorities. As a result, the police has handed over the role of regulating these creatures to the Wildlife Department. The forest rangers will take care of the species welfare and habitat, as well as controlling their migration pattern. To maintain a balance in the ecosystem, their interaction with other species — especially with human beings — will have to be monitored, considering their destructive behaviour.

BETTER REGULATED: Thanks to the reclassification, now rempits are regulated by the Wildlife Dept, here shown directing a herd of rempit in their nightly migration

BETTER REGULATED: Thanks to the reclassification, now rempits are regulated by the Wildlife Dept, here shown directing a herd of rempit in their nightly migration

“Should their numbers be too high, I would recommend effective population control methods such as neutering and in extreme cases, culling.”

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Malaysia offers assistance to problem-plagued Sochi

KUALA LUMPUR — Malaysia has extended an offer to Sochi to help host the XXII Winter Olympic Games, in light of the Russian city’s apparent lack of readiness in organising the event as tweeted by unhappy global media representatives who arrived in their hotels only to find toilets, doors, power outlets and other basic amenities in sorry state.

malaysia_winter_olympicsSpeaking at Sri Perdana today, Prime Minister YAB Dato’ Sri Mohd Najib Razak said that the widely-known problems faced by the organisers prompted him to come up with the idea of holding the winter games in Malaysia, seeing how “we should always help our neighbours who are in trouble”.

“It broke my heart when I read all those mean tweets and unflattering pictures of construction materials in hotel rooms, yellow-coloured tap water and non-functioning toilet seats,” said Najib. “I know how hard it is to organise an event like this, and I asked myself, what can we do to help a nation in need?

“Suddenly I had an epiphany — if they’re not ready, we’ll do it for them!”

The PM pointed out that Malaysia has all the necessary facilities, infrastructure and weather conditions to run the winter olympics.

“We have so many hotels, all ready to accept the huge number of guests, seeing how it’s not peak period in our tourist calendar. Our airports are primed to receive all our visitors without problem,” said Najib, adding that while KLIA 2 may not be completely functional, “it’s no more ‘complete’ than the Sochi facilities, so it’s not a major step-down for the would-be passengers”.

“Fine, we have summer-based stadiums as opposed to the ice-based facilities in Sochi, but it’s nothing that a little adaptation to the tools cannot fix. How hard is it to change from skis to wheels?”

The PM said that for winter sport events that ‘really, really need’ ice or snow, there are available private facilities which can be used.

An artist's impression of an adapted bobsledding

An artist’s impression of an adapted bobsledding

“We have a few winter-based theme parks and arenas for that. The Winter Wonderland at i-City is a marvelous spot that can handle all the wintery stuff people from Canada, Russia, Europe and other icy-places want. The ice-skating rinks at Sunway Pyramid and Mutiara Damansara are also open for business, what more do you want?

“Plus, I don’t see why our world-famous water slides can’t handle the bobsled and luge events,” he added. “In fact, I think the sport will be much more interesting when the sleds end up in the pool of water, creating huge, gigantic splashes. So the points can be based not only on speed, but also on the size of the water splashes.”

Najib, telling the media that he’ll be contacting his counterpart in Moscow to discuss the relocation of the venue, medals as well as tools and officials, also said that those who worried about the stifling heat of Malaysia’s tropical climate need not fret.

“All our facilities are air-conditioned, or at least equipped with good fans and ice-cream stalls,” he said reassuringly. “And in case you don’t remember, the recent ‘cold draft’ that brought down the temperatures in some parts of Malaysia has not left us. You’d still need those nice, thick jackets to walk around in those chilly nights.

“We’re cool.”

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Bird expert: Kajang by-election winner could go extinct

KUALA LUMPUR — Winning the Kajang by-election could spell political doom for the victor, a leading ornithologist (expert on birds) said today.

According to Dr Bulleau Plëpha, head zoologist the Max Planck Institute for Ornithology, the signs are clearly showing that contesting in the Selangor state constituency was a bad idea, and even if one wins the fight, his career will not take flight.

Cautioning Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim (PKR) and anyone else planning to nominate themselves for the N25 ADUN seat, Dr Plëpha said his assessment was based on the fact that the shape of the Kajang constituency is too similar to the dodo bird (Raphus Cucullatus), an extinct flightless bird that was endemic to the island of Mauritius.

RISKY CONTEST: Kajang could spell political extinction to the victor

RISKY CONTEST: Kajang could spell political extinction to the victor

“The similarity just cannot be ignored,” said Dr Plëpha. “Look at them both … Kajang looks like a silhouette of the dodo, looking up to the sky reflecting on its own sad demise. This scientific deduction can only mean one thing — winning the N25 seat will not augur well for the victor’s political ambitions!”

Dr Plëpha added that the dodo’s lack of fear of humans was the reason it was so easy to be captured and killed. “Some people say it was intrepidness that caused the Raphus Cucullatus’ extinction. It had no issues with fraternising with other species which were their own predators. Fearlessness? I’d say it was foolishness!

“And likewise, trying to ‘win’ this dodo-inspired constituency would be an act of foolishness and political suicide!”

The Kajang state seat fell vacant following the resignation of incumbent assemblymen Lee Chin Cheh of PKR on Jan 27. The Election Commission has announced that it would meet on February 5 to discuss the nomination and polling dates. The state seat comprises 38,965 registered voters. At the last general election in May, 2013, the seat saw a voter turnout of 87.9% with 541 spoilt votes. It has 48% Malay voters, Chinese 41%, Indian 10% and others 1%. In the 2013 general election PKR’s Lee garnered 19,571 votes followed by Lee Ban Seng (Barisan Nasional-MCA) with 12,747 votes and Mohamad Ismail (Berjasa) 1,014 votes.

Dr Plëpha offered his advice to interested contenders: “Should you feel the need to contest in that dodo danger-zone, keep your expectations low. It’s not a thriving place for any bird or fowl, what with Kajang being famous for its chicken satay. Your political outlook may just be similar.”

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