KUALA LUMPUR — Prime Minister Dato’ Sri Mohd Najib Razak today announced in Budget 2014 taxation for moronic statements and actions by public figures, politicians and celebrities.
The Unnecessarily Stupid Tax (UST), to be introduced progressively along with Government Service Tax (GST), would cover obviously dumbass, illogically hilarious and mindblowingly crass or insensitive statements uttered in public, with different tax rates for public servants, celebrities and politicians, who are expected to contribute the bulk of the UST tax collection.
“Let’s be honest, our public figures are well known to have foot-in-mouth disease,” said Najib midway through his Budget tabling in Parliament. “From completely moronic and sweeping generalisations to gigantically insensitive remarks, we’ve seen it all. Every single day the rakyat is served with endless syok-sendiri announcements, surreal and intelligence-insulting statements and hollow promises that compete with actual news about real tragedies and happenings. It’s very depressing, and it’s eating up our collective energy. I have friends who tell me they feel like jumping off buildings when they listen or read the kind of sorry-ass crud coming out of some public figure mouths.
“Seriously, ‘middle-class group’ defined by a Merc, bungalow and 3 million freakin’ bucks in savings?” asked the PM animatedly, as some Mercedes-driving MPs squirmed in discomfort. “How detached from reality can we be?
“How can the rakyat believe we care about them when they complain something’s expensive, and we tell them to stop buying it? I mean, luxury items is one thing, but chicken, fish, sugar and other essential grocery items?
“And how much more nauseating loads of excrement can we take from celebrities airing their dirty laundry in public and asking people to respect their privacy, all in the same breath? WHO THE FRANKFURTER CARES IF YOU’RE ‘TEMAN TAPI MESRA’?” screamed the PM, heaving in anger.
“We need to put a stop to things like this, and I can think of no better way than to punish those responsible by taking their money,” said Najib, regaining his composure, much to the relief of those present. “From January onwards, anyone caught saying something that’s unworthy of anyone with an IQ higher than 50 will be visited by some friendly people from LHDN. And the police. And maybe even some commandos in balaclavas, just for kicks. They’ll take money, bank accounts, property, hell — even the clothes on your back if you piss everyone enough with your crap-trap.
“Public figures, such as politicians and especially politicians on MY side, must be educated to watch what they say. No more shooting from the hilt, no more arrogance, no more berating people like you own the freaking world. Cukup lah. I dream of a day when our papers feature intelligent people whose brains work faster than their mouths.”