BALTIMORE, MARYLAND — In what many experts are hailing as the discovery of the new millennium, scientists at John Hopkins Hospital have found that the leading cause of death among males and females between the ages of 0 and 120 is Loss of Life (LoL). The stunning results of the 20-year research has put the condition ahead of heart diseases, all types of cancer and even famine or war, as the world’s No.1 killer.
“Well, I wouldn’t put LoL at the top of the list of leading causes of death,” said Dr Robert Nebaum, the project’s head researcher at the Press conference announcing the discovery. “That would simply group LoL together with the rest of the causes of death such as heart ailments, cancer, road accidents, gun-related fatalities and whatever else, and that wouldn’t be accurate.
“The truth is, LoL encompasses ALL those ailments, accidents and diseases — all of them merely lead to the onset of LoL, so we’re talking about something far bigger here.”
The research, conducted at the hospital and at a cost of over US$50 million, involved extensive interviews with critical patients and their family members, and covered the journey of each patient as they are admitted to the hospital, until their demise.
“It’s amazing. The results from our research have blown away many misconceptions about what the No.1 killer of the human race is,” said Dr Martha Friedman, a senior researcher who conducted much of the interviews. “We’ve been looking at the wrong places, and blamed the wrong things whenever death occurs. Men, women, old and young, white, black, brown or yellow — we thought diseases were it, you know, that’s the death of us, but as it turned out, Loss of Life has been behind all deaths since like, forever.”
“This discovery has thrown the medical fraternity upside down,” said Dr Nebaum. “All our beliefs about medicine, healthcare and the medical profession itself would have to be rethought.