Loss of Life main cause of death among males, females

BALTIMORE, MARYLAND — In what many experts are hailing as the discovery of the new millennium, scientists at John Hopkins Hospital have found that the leading cause of death among males and females between the ages of 0 and 120 is Loss of Life (LoL). The stunning results of the 20-year research has put the condition ahead of heart diseases, all types of cancer and even famine or war, as the world’s No.1 killer.

LoL identified as leading cause of death

“Well, I wouldn’t put LoL at the top of the list of leading causes of death,” said Dr Robert Nebaum, the project’s head researcher at the Press conference announcing the discovery. “That would simply group LoL together with the rest of the causes of death such as heart ailments, cancer, road accidents, gun-related fatalities and whatever else, and that wouldn’t be accurate.

“The truth is, LoL encompasses ALL those ailments, accidents and diseases — all of them merely lead to the onset of LoL, so we’re talking about something far bigger here.”

The research, conducted at the hospital and at a cost of over US$50 million, involved extensive interviews with critical patients and their family members, and covered the journey of each patient as they are admitted to the hospital, until their demise.

“It’s amazing. The results from our research have blown away many misconceptions about what the No.1 killer of the human race is,” said Dr Martha Friedman, a senior researcher who conducted much of the interviews. “We’ve been looking at the wrong places, and blamed the wrong things whenever death occurs. Men, women, old and young, white, black, brown or yellow — we thought diseases were it, you know, that’s the death of us, but as it turned out, Loss of Life has been behind all deaths since like, forever.”

Dr Nebaum with a research participant

“This discovery has thrown the medical fraternity upside down,” said Dr Nebaum. “All our beliefs about medicine, healthcare and the medical profession itself would have to be rethought.

“Now, instead of focusing on the minor, secondary causes of death like we used to, we can channel all our resources to fighting Loss of Life in our efforts to minimise death.”

The researchers admit that while their discovery was as phenomenal and important as when DNA codes were unravelled or when antibiotics were discovered, their work had only begun, and they’ve only unearthed the tip of a much bigger find.

“We’ve only just begun exploring this new territory,” said Dr Nebaum. “Yes, we’ve managed to steer the medical world to te right direction, but there’s so much more we need to understand.

“Our next step, after knowing for sure that Loss of Life causes death, is to find out where it goes. I mean, when something is lost, it’s got to go somewhere else, right? So that’s the trick — find out where life goes after we lose it, and maybe find a way to get it back,” he said enthusiastically.

“I tell you, if we get the answer to that question, it’ll be a Nobel Prize for sure.”

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